Basketbawful has broken out the highest quality Wiccan spell components - coffin nails, dead sea salt, glory water, graveyard dirt, and a very phallic ritual candle - to uncover the darkest mysteries of tonight’s NBA playoff game.
‘Sheed’s potty mouth. Rasheed got T’d up and T’d off in Game 5, leading to the following “expletive-laced tirade” during his postgame meltdown: “All that (expletive) calls they had out there, with Mike (Callahan) and Kenny (Mauer) you’ve all seen that (expletive). You saw them calls. The cats are flopping all over the floor and they’re calling that (expletive). That (expletive) ain’t basketball out there. It’s all (expletive) entertainment. You all should know that (expletive). It’s all (expletive) entertainment.” Yup. ‘Sheed is (expletive) awesome! Only one problem. He’s (expletive) one technical foul away from being (expletive) suspended for one game. Think he’ll be on his best behavior tonight? Heh…then you don’t know ‘Sheed.
Flip Saunders, millionaire babysitter. Don’t worry, Pistons fans. Flip’s gonna get ‘Sheed in line. “Usually when he gets this close in those types of situations, he knows to try to tone it down a little. I’ll talk to him.” Oh. You’ll talk to him. Well, okay then. Problem totally solved. (Note Flip’s use of the words “usually” and “try”…)
Ray Allen’s love story. His prodigal jump shot returned for Game 5, and Ray made sweet, sweet love to it: 29 points, 9-for-15 from the field, and 5-for-6 from that errogenous zone beyond the arc. The Celtics will need him to keep strokin’ it if they’re going to come through in Detroit.
Flip Saunders, drama queen. Flip is still flippin’ the you-know-what out about that bear-hug foul Paul Pierce committed against Chauncey Billups. “I told the referee when I was standing there, ‘We’ve got New England Patriots that are here. (Tedy) Bruschi had a tackle like that in the Super Bowl. So I don’t think that’s allowed in basketball.” In other news, Flip would also like the league to look into that foul Kevin McHale committed against Kurt Rambis in the 1984 NBA Finals. “Randy Macho Man Savage had a clothesline like that against Ricky Steamboat in Wrestlemania III. So I don’t think that’s allowed in basketball.”
Kevin Garnett. In game 5, KG scored 33 points (11-for-17) and hit the game-clinching freethrows, but, well, here’s what he did down the stretch: 6:48 - Turnover. 5:51 - Turnover. 5:08 - Missed jump shot. 4:04 - Two made freethrows. 3:32 - Two made freethrows. 2:38 - Missed jump shot. 0:18 - Missed jump shot. 0:03 - Two made freethrows. So basically, in clutch time, KG was 0-for-3 from outside and bobbled the ball away twice. He did add four important freethrows, as well as the two game-clinchers off the forced foul…but still. That wasn’t exactly a clutchtastic performance. Teams don’t usually win elimination games on the road when their best player can count his clutch playoff performances on one finger.
Doc Rivers farts in his critics’ general direction. Some people say Doc can’t coach. Others say that he is, in fact, the Forest Gump of NBA coaching. But that don’t bother him none. “I’ve always laughed at some of the criticism. I was joking with someone the other day, and I told them, just answer me this: ‘Why would someone listen to a guy that hasn’t played, hasn’t coached? Some of the guys have never even been reporters - they’re bloggers.’ Who’s the fool, me or the people listening.” Wow. I guess you can include Doc Rivers in the anti-blogger camp. I mean, what do we really know, anyway? I’m too busy drooling on myself and shitting my pants to really blalsdjlruouwoerfjs…
Chris Webber, still trying to remain relevant. Who cares what this guy thinks, right? The Associated Press, apparently. Somebody dredged the comments he made about Flip Saunders on TNT at halftime of Game 4 of the Sixers-Pistons series (”No disrespect to Flip, but it doesn’t matter what Flip says.”), and of course Webber chose to clarify his statements. “All I was saying was that the Pistons are the most veteran team besides San Antonio and both of those teams have leaders in the locker room. I like Flip and think he’s a good coach. I predicted the Pistons to win it all and you can’t do that with a bad coach.” Isn’t it funny how often pro athletes, even the washed-up ones, get misquoted?
Doc Rivers seeks his Captain’s bar in Obvious. So sayeth the Doctor: “We don’t want to go to a Game 7. We want to win this now if we can. They’re not going to let us win it. We’re going to have to come in and take it.” Wait, Doc. Are you sure about that? I mean, maybe they will let you win if you ask really nicely and promise to throw in some My Little Pony stickers. The worst they can do is say “no,” right?
Paul Pierce: Not tired, as far as he can tell. Here’s the Truth on maybe being tired: “The only thing on my mind is getting a win, getting a step closer to being in the NBA Finals. I don’t think fatigue is going to be a factor for the rest of this series. The guys physically for the most part are feeling good, and it’s all about mental toughness right now.” So…the Celtics must win using the power of their minds? Why does that worry me?
Rip Hamilton. The Phantom of Auburn Hills injured his right elbow in Game 5. The funny part of this particular ouchie is how it happened: By wrapping his arm around Ray Allen’s neck during a rebounding scrum. I guess sometimes injuries are Karmic. Anyway, he’ll play in Game 6, but it’ll be interesting to see whether his arm-flailing form is affected.
Kendrick Perkins. According to Flip Saunders, “Perkins is eating us up.” Need I say more?
The prediction. Detroit pulls out a close one before taking a nap in Game 7.
Q: Speaking of pride, what about this T-shirt you’ve been photographed wearing that says, “I [heart] to fart”?
BB: I LOVE to fart.
Q: What’s wrong with you?
BB: I’m honest. Have you ever farted?
Q: One or two times.
BB: And did it feel good?
Q: Always.
BB: Probably so. That’s why I wore it. I love to fart. I do. When the time is right, I do it. I’m not going to hide it.
Q: You’re so blunt about your love for flatulence.
BB: Yeah. Well, someone gave me the shirt because of my history of farting, so I wear it. I LOVE to fart. I think I still have it.
Q: What gets you really gassy?
BB: Anything. The air we’re breathing right now.
Q: Should I be ready for something?
BB: I have no trouble. It’s not one thing that I eat, it’s just passed down from my father. My father was a very good farter. I have a sister who’s very good at it, too. Probably better than I am.
Q: Women aren’t “supposed” to do that.
BB: Oh, I think times have changed — at least in the Blyleven family.
Also some great stuff in the interview about the infamous Twins-Yankees TV broadcast where he dropped two live F-bombs. Nice to hear from you again, Bert.
Vince Young should probably just take a vow of silence or hire a full-time transcriber to follow him around when he’s talking to the media, because it appears he’s having trouble translating his own words. Last week, Young apparently told NFL.com writer Thomas George that he was considering retirement, but this week, he says, well, something else:
“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I ain’t never said I was going to quit football. There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, but football is not hard to me. Football is easy. All you have to do is be coachable and use your God-given talent. If it was a thought at all it was just a passing thought for a second.'’
So, for the record, Vince Young did consider quitting football for exactly one second. Young, obviously frustrated, went on to tell the Tennessean reporter that he wishes he didn’t have to be in the spotlight so much and could be able to handle things like another NFL player: “He wished he could be like Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison, and just not talk to the media at all.”
The Darrent Williams murder appeared to be one that would go unsolved, wrapped up in the politics of gang warfare with witnesses keeping the most crucial of evidence to themselves for fear of retaliation. Although police had plenty of suspects, including the pissed off gang members who were at the club that night, there was no definitive trigger man for the incident in the early morning hours of Jan. 1, 2007 that ended with Williams taking a bullet in the neck and dying in the arms of wide receiver Javon Walker.
The Rocky Mountain News, thanks to a shady source willing to snitch in exchange for federal protection, intercepted a letter written by one Willie D. Clark, a 26-year-old gang member currently serving time for parole violations.
In the letter, Clark says Clark says he is worried someone who saw him shoot “D-Will” - a nickname for Williams - will start talking to police about the killing.
“(The person) seen me with the gun and shoot out the whip,” the letter states.
The Denver feds have done the handwriting analysis, corroborated with others on the veracity of the letter, and appear very confident that Willie D. Clark will be charged with murdering Darrent Williams. Finally.
A sad day, folks: The Israeli Baseball League has cancelled its 2008 season. We don’t want to point any fingers, but, uh, you know, the players were chosen by former Red Sox GM Dan Duquette. Might be a factor.
Of course, it also might have been the extreme financial mismanagement that caused to many American investors, including Yankees president Randy Levine and Bud Selig’s daughter, to bail out.
According to (league president Haim) Katz, the league’s problems stemmed largely from a number of Israeli creditors who, he said, had not been paid by the IBL. “2008 is not happening, 2009 we’re working on. Right now it’s [nearly] the first of June, and there’s no preparation. But there are many parties interested in reviving professional baseball [in Israel].”
You can find a history of the league right here. We picked a terrible day to buy a personalized Petach Tikva jersey.
By now, everyone’s seen the Mariah Carey first pitch video. (A friend said, “It would be difficult for someone to throw that pitch again even if they were trying.”) But FanIQ argues that it’s far from the worst one of all time.
The famous Cincinnati mayor Mark Mallory is still probably the worst, though his endless “jokey” PR campaign about it took a lot of the fun out of it. If we ever had to throw out a first pitch sometime, we’d be so nervous, we probably wouldn’t do much better. We wonder if celebrities can just start bringing a JUGGS machine out here. (Kinda looks like Mariah did.)
The controversy continues to rage: Should a grown man answer to the name of Chipper? My vote is no, unless you appeared in a ’60s sitcom starring Fred MacMurray, or are hitting over .400 in the major leagues. Here’s to Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves, who is hitting .420 as of Thursday night after the Braves beat the Brewers 8-1. Larry Wayne Jones Jr. was 2-for-4 with two walks, and following the game talked about being a shoo-in to make the NL All-Star roster for the first time since 2001. You’d think that would put him in a good mood, but no.
“Honestly it’s a shame that I’ve got to go out and hit .400 for two months to make an All-Star team,” Jones told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. “It’s kind of depressing to me because I’ve had — to me — what I think are some pretty good first halves, what I think is a pretty good career, and I haven’t made an All-Star team since ‘01. … But I’ll take it. Got to make a splash to get people’s attention? Got to make a splash.”
Mr. Jones is used to being the second choice. The franchise wanted to draft Todd Van Poppel in the worst way in the 1990 amateur draft, but Van Poppel refused to play in Atlanta, so went with Jones as Plan B. All they got in return was an infielder who trails only Mickey Mantle and Eddie Murray on the all-time switch hitters career home run list. Van Poppel of course went on to become part owner of the Denton Outlaws, where my strong suspicion is that he inhabits this costume.
It’s nice to see someone chase a hallowed milestone non-chemically, although Jones has a long way to go. The player to take .400 the farthest since Ted Williams did it was George Brett, who was at .400 on Sept. 19, 1980. Sports Illustrated has a rundown of serious assaults on .400 here, and Dugout Central examines the subject via Williams’ book, The Science of Hitting, here.
On Thursday, Mark Teixeira had a homer and four RBI and Jorge Campillo, who was playing for the Culiacan Tomato Growers in 2004 (where he still plays Winter League ball), earned the win and got his first major league hit, a single.
• Record Heat. Randy (No Lawn Trespassing) Johnson fanned nine to tie Roger Clemens for second place on the all-time strikeout list, but what’s more amazing is that the Giants swept the three-game series from the Diamondbacks. Randy Winn’s homer in the ninth provided a 4-3 victory. Johnson passed Clemens last year, as you may recall, but got injured, with Clemens then retaking second place.
• The Cult Of Jesse Litsch. Jesse Litsch won his fifth straight decision and extended his scoreless streak to 16 innings, and Rod Barajas had three doubles and three RBI to lead the Jays of Blue over the Athletics, 12-0.
• Simply The Best. Yes, these are the home fans of the best team in baseball. Nice going, God! Alfonso Soriano had a two-run single as the Cubs won their fourth straight, 8-4 over the Rockies, to put their record at 33-21, best in the majors.
• X Games. Jason Bay and Xavier Nady homered to lead the Pirates to a 7-2 win over the Reds, ending Cincinnati’s home winning streak at nine games.
• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Game. Kazuo Matsui, Houston Astros. From the land of Hello Kitty comes the second-base stylings of Kazuo Matsui, who makes this dive-and-twist to throw out the fleet Cesar Izturis of the Cardinals. Wizard Cat gives this play: Three wands.
So it’s Friday, time for the Best of Wizard Cat’s Mailbag!
• Dear Wizard Cat: I hope you know that your dabbling in the dark arts will only lead to eternity in cat hell. Repent now! — Joaquin Andujar and the Funky Bunch
• Dear Wizard Cat, I was recently friended by that friending whore josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris’s sack-dance for you. Do they make an ointment for that? — RachelRayIsTheDevil
• Wizard Cat, Can you please zap LaTroy Hawkins into some sort of small amphibian? Maybe, then, Joe Girardi will stop putting him into games. …Maybe. — Pennington Noodlearm
• Wizard Cat, I’m not one to go questioning your methodology, but since Willie Randolph still has a job, shouldn’t he automatically be named Wizard Cat Defensive Player of the Day? This is after all defensing the indefensible. Thanks, Jews For Purple Jesus
• Wizard Cat, As evidenced in the photo below, last night my puppy overtook DUAN and killed Nightmare Ant. Are you willing to co-rule the kingdom with him? — pr0FF3ss0r_j3rkwh3at
Basketbawful has broken out the highest quality Wiccan spell components - coffin nails, dead sea salt, glory water, graveyard dirt, and a very phallic ritual candle - to uncover the darkest mysteries of tonight’s NBA playoff game.
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The controversy continues to rage: Should a grown man answer to the name of Chipper? My vote is no, unless you appeared in a ’60s sitcom starring Fred MacMurray, or are hitting over .400 in the major leagues. Here’s to 
