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Archive for May 22nd, 2008

Chris Cooley-ooley-ooley-o Is Making All Men Look Silly

Continue Reading May 22nd, 2008

Redskin Chris Cooley’s nuptials are happening this Friday, and what better way to express his joyfulness and show off his hot-ass soon-to-be wife than post a long, heartfelt story about his pending marriage at the House That Mottram Built.

Here’s a passage that every man headed to the altar should probably publish somewhere before the big day to earn some major lifetime leverage in the relationship:

While I can’t wait to put the ring on I’ve had some resoundingly bad conversations over the last couple of months. Golf may have an uncountable list of ethics, though bothering a complete stranger about getting married is not one of them. First of all, I’m excited for the big day, so please don’t feel sorry for me because marriage sucks for you. No, I’m not nervous, I don’t want any marriage advice, and yes Christy’s mom is still hot.

You bastard.

And greetings. It’s gonna be a fun day. Pull your monitors up nice and close, grab an icy beverage, and let’s rock the body that rocks the party as we kickstart this weekend of bloody hamburgers, flaccid hot dogs, and randomly hooking up with some spray-tanned vixen at the OD in Sea Isle City.

Hit me up with your tips and things or send me random photos of Hatfield hams at ajd@deadspin.com

The Cooley Zone: My Redskins cheerleader-turned-Redskins wife [Shutdown Corner]

Johnny Lawrence Can Still Sweep The Leg

Continue Reading May 22nd, 2008

It’s time for Minor Enterprise, which celebrates Minor League baseball and all else that is good and great about America. And now, please rise as William Hung sings his rendition of our National Anthem …

May 15 was Awesomely Rad ’80s Night with the Fresno Grizzlies, and by all accounts it did not disappoint. Front and center was Cobra Kai menace Johnny Lawrence (aka Billy Zabka), in the middle in this picture here, taken on Thursday with his new gang. Johnny really hasn’t changed all that much from the looks of this photo. Bobby; I want him out of commission! Looks like he could still grab your boom box at the beach and throw it violently into the sand.

Here’s a report on the festivities by Grizzlies director of media relations Paul Kennedy:

First of all, Billy was awesome, just an extremely cool guy. We had our best Thirsty Thursday crowd of the year, tons of people got into it and dressed up in 80’s outfits, and Zabka signed autographs for what seemed like forever. For the past three weeks, to hype the event, we’ve done an in-game contest where we bring someone on top of the dugout to answer trivia questions about Zabka. He was cool enough that we were able to do “Zabka on Zabka” last night and ask him trivia about himself, which the crowd loved.

Get him a body bag, yeah!

Taking a look at upcoming promotions and other swell stuff:

• Indiana Jones Night. Tonight, Ft. Myers Miracle (Class A Florida State League). One of many such promotions tonight around the minors, fans will, oh, I don’t know, maybe punch a Nazi. Got your tickets for the midnight showing of Crystal Skull?

• Internet Safety Night With Erik Estrada. Saturday, May 24. Potomac Nationals (Class A Carolina League). You’ll be pleased to know that Poncherello is now a spokesman for the Safe Surfin’ campaign, which educates youngsters on the dangers of surfing the Internet. Of course the fact that you’re here means that Ponch has already failed. They’re also giving away “Internet safety-themed literature,” which seems like an oxymoron.

• Soybean Night. Monday, May 26. Fargo-Moorhead Redhawks (Independent Northern League). The glory. The pageantry. (Plenty of seats still available).

• We Love The Drake. June 12. Ft. Myers Miracle (Class A Florida State League). Help the Miracle celebrate the TV sitcom Seinifeld, which left the air 10 years ago this month. Serenity now!

• The Modesto Nuts Reprise Great Baseball Movie Scenes. Members of the Modesto Nuts (Class A California League) reenact a scene from The Sandlot. That one guy has Squints pretty much nailed.

• Bobblehead Of The Moment. Pat Sajak Bobblehead Giveaway. Sunday, May 25. Bowie Baysox (Class AA Eastern League). I must have this item! Mr. Wheel of Fortune himself makes his first public appearance at Prince George’s Stadium, and will sign autographs. Pat Sajak will sign body parts!

Please send all minor league tips, including photos, game reports and promotions, to RickChand@GMail.com. Or, you can choose to solve the puzzle.