Basketbawful has a little TGIF for you. It comes disguised as a preview for tonight’s Lakers-Jazz game. But I promise it’ll make your mother love you again. If, well, you actually get off your sorry butt and buy her a card and some flowers. You’ve got two days. But read this first.
Utah versus L.A.: Game 3
Sweet home, Energy Solutions Arena. Say it with me, kids: The Utah Jazz were 37-4 at home this season (although only 2-1 in the playoffs). So obviously the Jazz are going to be relying on a little home cookin’ homecourt advantage in Game 3. Speaking of which…
Freethrows. The Lakers shot 89 in Games 1 and 2. The Jazz shot 46. I have a funny feeling that that ratio is going to flip-flop a bit.
Carlos Boozer. C’mon Booz…what’s wrong? You’ve been slumping for, well, the entire playoffs and the last seven games or so of the regular season. Is everything okay at home? Actually, you know what? I don’t care. Spank your inner moppet or whatever you need to do to get your head straight. Your team needs you.
The pick and roll. The Jazz live off it. The Lakers have stopped it. Dead. That’s at least part of the reason Carlos is sucking so badly. He’s not getting any easy baskets, and that’s probably affecting his confidence when he’s bombing from 15 feet.
General Obvious strikes again. Mr. Boozer can’t hit a jump shot, but he can watch game film. “Right now they’re packing the lane. That’s what I would if I was their team right now. Pack the lane and make us hit jump shots. We have to knock them down.” Well, he’s right about two things: The Jazz need to hit their jumpers, and the Lakers are a bunch of packers.
Block party. The Lakers have blocked 17 shots in two games. That’s, like, 8.5 blocks per game, which is a lot if you think about it. Although he wasn’t available for comment, I’m sure Carlos would say that the Jazz need to focus on the basket and avoid the Lakers’ meaty hands.
Grandpappy Obvious speaks. Jazz coach Jerry Sloan realizes that the Lakers will still play defense, even in Utah. “They’re going to defend us. They’re not going to drop off and say, ‘OK, we’re not going to defend you because we’re not in L.A.’” Wow. Thanks for that, Jerry. I’m just…wow.
King Subtle speaks. Ah, Phil Jackson. He loves him some sly volleys, doesn’t he? Earlier this week he offhandedly mentioned that the loud and boisterous nature of Utah’s home crowd can intimidate officials, making them miss a foul here or there (or everywhere). He claimed to have “amnesia” when asked about that comment, but he did offer that “They’re scrumming around. That’s much more decisive on their court.” True. Just like Kobe elbowing his way into the paint and Lamar Odom going over the back and Sasha Vujacic using two hands and a foot on defense is “much more decisive” at the Staples Center.
Deron Williams. He is the cheese to the Jazz’s macaroni. And he needs to be extra cheesy tonight if Utah is going to get a win. Memo to Deron: You’re being guarded by a 50-year-old man…take the ball to the hoop every time, okay?
Kobe Bryant. You’ve got your MVP, okay? Can you just, I don’t know, go away now?
Andrei Kirilenko. If Jerry Sloan had a time machine, don’t you think he’d use it to replace today’s Kirilenko with the AK47 of, say, 2004? You bet your big, throbbing brain he would. And you know what? I’d do the same thing.
Lamar Odom. He is quietly killing the Jazz with his rebounding and his defense on Boozer. Nobody benefits more from the presence of Pau Gasol than Odom, who is obviously at his best as the third option. My solution: Kill Pau Gasol. It may be the only way. I keed, I keed. (But not really.)
So Tom Brady wants his girlfriend to dress up as Wonder Woman? Who doesn’t? Just be thankful he didn’t say Aqua Boy. According to a gossip column in the Boston Globe, Gisele Bundchen revealed that Brady has a bit of a Wonder Woman fixation. Translation: If someone is thinking of making a Wonder Woman movie — ha! What a screwy notion! — she wants to be on the short list.
Of course, a movie Wonder Woman has already been cast recently, but that doesn’t leave Gisele out of the mix. Megan Gale will play WW in an upcoming Justice League of America movie, which is a whole separate deal. Here she is in a photo that is NSFW, comic book fans.
We know that the Hornets lost last night, and that the Lakers are sweeping through the playoffs, and that LeBron is kind of embarrassing himself a little bit. But all this playoff business only brings one thing to our mind: Heavens to Betsy, Chris Paul is freaking amazing.
This is not news to anyone who has been watching him all year … but the vast majority of people haven’t been watching him all year, including us. Screw this “LeBron/Kobe is the next MJ” business; Chris Paul is the next Chris Paul, and it’s pretty amazing.
Part of it is he’s so ordinary looking, so (forgive me, Chris) small. You look at Kevin Garnett and you know you’re looking at some extraordinary specimen even before you watch him play. Ditto LeBron and Kobe, whose ripped, long frames seem almost predictably tied to excellence. Paul is fit but not sculpted. He’s the shortest guy on the floor most of the time. He’s got this unassuming, slightly pigeon-toed walk and this young, seemingly guileless grin. And even though you know he’s capable of stealing Jason Kidd’s immortal soul, you’re still dumbfounded when he completely dominates a Western Conference semifinal game.
Neel touches on a point at the end that makes us sad; it’s almost too much, too gorgeous, too fast. Please don’t let Chris Paul be dating Star Jones in three years.
Michael Vick has now been in jail for about six months, and though he still has at least a year-and-a-half to go, he’s not immune to bad news from outside the prison. As if possibly had any money left, now the Canadians are after him.
A federal judge on Thursday ordered imprisoned quarterback Michael Vick to repay more than $2.4 million to a Canadian bank for defaulting on a loan.
The Royal Bank of Canada sued Vick in September, arguing his guilty plea to a federal dogfighting charge — and the resulting impact on his career — prevented him from repaying the loan.
This was the loan Vick took our for his restaurant, which didn’t work out well either. You know, Michael? Considering the debt and protests that await you when you get out of jail, you almost might be better of staying in there.
OK, it wasn’t quite THAT bad. But Papa John’s 23-cent pizza promotion in Northeast Ohio on Thursday did draw enormous crowds, and wasn’t completely peaceful. Aside from some stores running out of pizzas, there were shoving matches and verbal altercations as people waited in line for discount pies for as long as five hours.
At the University Heights Papa John’s, police said a few people tried to jump the line, but they were pulled out and those in line started cheering. A Newsnet5.com viewer e-mailed and said a fight broke out at the Springfield Township location on Waterloo Road in Summit County. Springfield police said a verbal altercation took place between two people in line. No one was hurt and no arrests were made, police said.
There was one serious casualty, as Papa John’s mascot Mr. Slice was found in a Toledo alley early this morning severely beaten and stripped of his toppings.
The promotion was hatched, of course, after a Papa John’s franchise in Washington, D.C., made T-shirts calling LeBron James a “crybaby” after James’ complaints about hard fouls during the Cavaliers’ playoff series with the Wizards. To counter the bad publicity, the company offered 23-cent large, one-topping pizzas at their Cleveland, Columbus, Toledo and Youngstown outlets. The company will also donate $10,000 to the Cavaliers Youth Fund.
Papa John’s first idea was to discount the pizzas according to LeBron’s playoff shooting percentage, but that would have hardly even been worth the trouble.
It’s not really a classic baseball brawl until a tubby Don Zimmer is thrown to the turf, but this’ll do. It happened on Thursday at Safeco Field: After the Rangers’ Kason Gabbard tossed a fourth-inning delivery at the Mariners’ Richie Sexson at face level, Sexson charged the mound and clocked Gabbard with his batting helmet. Benches emptied, and a pileup occurred near the mound. Then, as you’ve seen countless times in Zorro movies, Sexson crawled out from underneath the pile as everyone else continued fighting above. Here’s the video.
Of course all of this didn’t stop the Mariners’ scoreless streak from reaching 22 innings in a 5-0 loss. Texas used five pitchers in the shutout, and Ramon Vazquez had four hits, including a run-scoring double. Seattle starter Felix Hernandez had hit both Gerald Laird and Ian Kinsler with pitches earlier in the game.
I’ll tell you though, in my opinion Sexson deserves to get brushed back, and here’s why. There’s nothing lower than someone who taunts fans with the old ball-on-a-string trick.
• Another Webb Gem. It’s nice for Diamondbacks fielders to get an extra day off once a week. Brandon Webb is becoming completely monotonous and predictable, now 8-0 after eight starts. His first complete game of the season was an 8-3 win over the Phillies. He hit one batter, Eric Bruntlett, who was not aware that Thursday was Charge the Mound Day, and simply walked to first base.
• It Just Doesn’t Matter! It Just Doesn’t Matter! Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, Robinson Cano and Wilson Betemit all hit home runs as the Yankees beat the Indians 6-3. Yet the guys at Camp Mohawk still get all the women.
• Who Lives In A Pineapple Under The Sea? First the good news, Florida Marlins fans. You’re still in first, one game ahead of the Phillies. Now the bad news … a scorpion has just crawled into your pants! Also, you’re done playing the Brewers for this year. Matt Treanor had a three-run homer as Florida beat Milwaukee 7-2, completing a three-game sweep. This now frees the Brewers to head home to play the Cardinals, where a Mr. Will Leitch is waiting in the parking lot reviewing the Miller Park alcohol policy.
• Nobody Makes Me Bleed My Own Blood! Boston’s Josh Beckett beat Detroit’s Justin ZooVerlander in a battle of aces, 5-1, as the former recorded the 1,000th strikeout of his career (huzzah!). Kevin Youkilis had a two-run homer in the fifth and Jason Varitek a two-run single in the second. By the way, when your ace is 1-6, that usually spells big trouble.
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who could be replaced by an alien doppelganger any day now. It’s been nice knowing you. When he’s not trying to organize an underground resistance, he can be found practicing his “Nanu Nanu” at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
We are all witnesses…to an alien invasion! The Martians have struck again. This time, they kidnapped our King and replaced him with a near-to-exact duplicate. It looks like LeBron James. It rumbles through the paint like LeBron James. It probably even cries like LeBron James. They only thing our soon-to-be space overlords forgot was to turn the doppelganger’s basketball dial up to 11. I mean, are we really supposed to believe that The Chosen One suddenly forgot how to play basketball? Nice try, Zi’Zhizhipheq of Thooq. But we humans didn’t evolve from ocean sludge yesterday, you know. We’ll be sending Bruce Willis to kick your space butts now. Yippee ki-yay, you green bastards.
Okay, if we aren’t involved in a secret intergalactic war, can somebody tell me WTF is going on? LeBron followed up his worst-ever performance in Game 1 with a “better” performance that was almost equally dreadful: 6-for-24 from the field, 0-for-4 from beyond the arc, 5 rebounds, 6 assists and 7 turnovers. The good news: He did manage to score a game-high 21 points. The bad news: The Cavaliers didn’t even come close to winning this time, losing 89-73 to the Celtics.
Things actually started out great for the King and his mates, as the Cavs ran out to a 21-11 lead. Then it was the Boston reserves to the rescue. With Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce watching from the bench, guys like Leon Powe (11 points, 7 rebounds), Sam Cassell (9 points, 3 assists) and P.J. Brown stepped up and made a run to get the Celtics back into the game. And then there was James Posey (7 points, 6 rebounds, 3 steals), who’s numbers can’t quantify the killer defense he played on Space LeBron.
Oh, and Pierce (19 points, 6 rebounds), Allen (16 points) and KG (13 points, 12 boards) were okay, too.
Zydrunas Ilgauskas (19 points, 9-for-12, 5 rebounds) continues to be Cleveland’s best player, which might mean he got nabbed by the Green Menace as well. But Wally Szczerbiak (4-for-11) and Delonte West (1-for-5, 5 assists) seem like their old selves. So maybe I’m just overreacting.
FYI: Ben Wallace almost collapsed on his way to the bench less than four minutes into the game and had to be taken to the locker room. Big Ben said it was just dizziness caused by allergies. So yeah, he’s just allergic…to aliens!! Cavaliers spokesperson Tad Carper — nice name, huh? — said that Wallace will be re-evaluated when the team returns to Cleveland.
They ain’t dead yet, apparently. The Spurs used that age-old formula of Physical Defense + Hitting Shots to get back into their second-round series against the Hornets. And their 110-99 win signifies, if nothing else, that the defending champs won’t get swept out of the playoffs.
How’d San Antonio do it? Chris Paul has an idea: “They made a lot more shots.” So sayeth the Lord of Obvious.
Manu Ginobili, now a starter, scored 31 points — as I predicted, by the way — and Tony Parker added another 31 to go along with his 11 assists and annoying Frenchiness. Tim Duncan had 16 points and 13 boards, but he really didn’t get his groove back until the refs tagged Tyson Chandler (12 points, 8 rebounds) with a few quick third-quarter fouls that sent the big man directly to the bench without passing “Go” or collecting $200.
Paul (35 points, 9 assists) and David West (23 points, 12 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) went crazy-insane on the Spurs, but Bruce Bowen did everything but put Peja Stojakovic into a figure-four leg lock, holding the Bomber from Belgrade to only 8 points on 2-for-7 shooting. So, you know, that worked.
So remember, never underestimate the heart of a blah, blah, blah. Game 4 is on Sunday.
Fun fact: Jacque Vaughn and Robert Horry each collected one mario last night.
Basketbawful has a little TGIF for you. It comes disguised as a preview for tonight’s Lakers-Jazz game. But I promise it’ll make your mother love you again. If, well, you actually get off your sorry butt and buy her a card and some flowers. You’ve got two days. But read this first.
So Tom Brady wants his girlfriend to dress up as Wonder Woman? Who doesn’t? Just be thankful he didn’t say Aqua Boy. According to a gossip column 
We know that the Hornets lost last night, and that the Lakers are sweeping through the playoffs, and that LeBron is kind of embarrassing himself a little bit. But all this playoff business only brings one thing to our mind: Heavens to Betsy, 
Michael Vick has now been in jail for about six months, and though he still has at least a year-and-a-half to go, he’s not immune to bad news from outside the prison. As if possibly had any money left, now 
OK, it wasn’t quite THAT bad. But Papa John’s 23-cent pizza promotion in Northeast Ohio on Thursday did draw enormous crowds, and wasn’t completely peaceful. Aside from some stores running out of pizzas, there were shoving matches and verbal altercations as people waited in line for discount pies for as long as five hours.
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who could be replaced by an alien doppelganger any day now. It’s been nice knowing you. When he’s not trying to organize an underground resistance, he can be found practicing his “Nanu Nanu” at 
