Basketbawful once again brings you the nightly NBA previews. And the Spurs’ championship formula. Basically, they…well, keep reading.
Cleveland versus Boston: Game 2
LeBron James. I’m not a betting man, but I’d be willing to bet my life’s savings - all $27.93 of it - that LeBron isn’t going to have the worst game of his career for the second straight game. In fact, I kind of expect a triple double.
Grammar. Said LeBron: “I can’t play no worse than I did (in Game 1).” But…doesn’t that mean…he actually can play worse? I’m just sayin’.
Contradictions. Although he presumably thinks he can’t possibly play any worse than he did in Game 1, the King won’t admit it was his worst-ever game. “No, nah, nah. It’s not the worst. At the end of the day we still had a chance to win the ball game. I wasn’t satisfied with the way I played but saying it’s my worst game, nah.” Memo to LeBron: Make up your mind. Either you can’t play no worse or you didn’t have your worst game. Pick one and go with it.
Defense. It rocked in Game 1. Both teams got after it. It was gritty. It was a 48-minute scrum. It was…the late 90s all over again. If you liked that sort of thing.
Offense. It sucked in Game 1. Look, kids, I know that both teams were going balls-out on defense, but come on. Dudes were just flat-out missing shots, too. Especially LeBron, who looked like he downed some dizzy pills before the game. According to Pierce: “Offensively, we were a terrible-looking group. We turned the ball over 23 times, shot 40 percent from the field. We did just about everything wrong you could do offensively.” Pretty much, yeah.
Doc Rivers versus Mike Brown. The chess game continues. Between two guys who probably should be playing Candyland. (See above.)
Commander Obvious. According to Paul Pierce: “(The Cavaliers) are going to try to do things to make it easier on LeBron.” Thanks, Paul. Carlos Boozer approves.
Kevin Garnett. He-who-should-be-MVP was The Man in Game 1. He even hit the go-ahead basket with 22 seconds left. But he knows the Celtics have to win the title or the questions will follow him forever. The mission continues tonight.
David Stern. You just know it’s killing him to have KG and the Celtics versus LeBron and the LeBrons in the second round. If he was human, he would probably be weeping right now instead of eating live babies. (I’m just kind of assuming on that last part.)
Zydrunas Ilgauskas. I expect another solid game from the Z-Man. Mostly because Kendrick Perkins has the footspeed and reaction time of molasses. Sorry. Frozen molasses.
Inner peace. LeBron isn’t gonna sweat a bad game. Or even two bad games. “If I have a bad game or I have a bad two games, it’s not like I’m soul-searching or anything like that.” Well, that’s a relief. I’d hate to think that the King was stressed out or anything.
San Antonio versus New Orleans: Game 3
Chris Paul. The kid turned 23 on Tuesday. Man…23, up 2-0 on the defending champs, and he probably should have been the MVP. Kind of puts your “accomplishments” in perspective, doesn’t it? Sucks, huh?
Colonol Obvious, Part I. Tony Parker knows just what the Spurs have to do to get back into this series. “It sounds, like, easy, but we just have to play better. They just outplayed us the first two games and now we’re playing at home and we have to make more shots and play better defense. We’re going to change stuff but at the end of the day it’s just basketball.” Again, Carlos Boozer approves.
Colonol Obvious, Part II. Parker must have been in a giving mood this week, because - like any good Frenchman - he freely surrendered the secret of San Antonio’s championship success: “Every year we won the championship, we got a lot of guys making shots.” Okay. Now Carlos Boozer is just amazed.
The respect card. Ooo, ooo, ooo! There it is! Byron Scott finally threw it down! “We’re not only playing the champions, we’re playing for respect, because we felt all season long like we really haven’t gotten it.” Hm, let’s see: Two All-Stars, a Coach of the Year award for you, and Chris Paul was the MVP runner-up. Yeah, Byron. You guys have been totally disrespected. Now go use it.
Tim Duncan versus Tyson Chandler. Who knew that the tall, lanky guy that got run out of Chicago by a mob of angry villagers would be playing Mr. Greatest Power Forward of All-Time to a standstill. In fact, Tyson might be a little be ahead. (That sound you just heard was the joint primal scream of John Paxson and Steve Kerr.)
Bruce Bowen. Rumor has it he’ll be guarding Peja Stojakovic after the way Peja lit the Spurs up in Game 2. So what’s he gonna use? Groin shot? Foot under foot? So many dirty tricks, so little time.
David West. Unstoppable in Game 1, stopped in Game 2. If Bowen does shut down/cripple Peja, West is going to have to step up because the Hornets don’t have a bench.
Manu Ginobili.He came in 10th in MVP voting this year, but not because of anything he’s done in this series. I’m calling it now: Tonight Manu goes off for 30 points, 7 rebounds, 8 assists, and 17 flops.
The witnesses and victims of the alleged crime are still being pieced together. According to some police sources, there are a lot of conflicting stories surfacing, some as a result of individuals hoping to shake down and cash-in on Harrison’s celebrity. But that’s expected as soon as a millionaire athlete caught with a gun in a not-so-nice neighborhood happens.
According to one source close to the story, more revelations about Harrison’s character and background — disturbing, American Gangster-like stuff — are also percolating as a result of this incident. Although Harrison has been deemed one of the consumate professionals in the NFL due to his quiet nature and workman-like approach to his game, it’s appearing more and more that Harrison mayhave a very dark side to his private nature that few people knew about.
I have heard many things about Marvin and I am shocked. I don’t want to get into it but it shocks me. I’ve heard too many things, I heard things which shocked me.
“I do know this. [Somebody he[Harrison] knows had $10,000 confiscated. He went back to the police station and said, that’s my money. . . . Two detectives have told me that. I don’t want to get into it any deeper. Doesn’t that present a lot of questions to you, too?
Now, as much as Eskin is a blustery asshole on air at times, he’s also not reckless and does his due dilligence when it comes to stories of this nature. Also, what Eskin said is consistent with some of the stories being corroborated by a few people close to the investigation.
The take-away: Next week prepare to hear some more things about Marvin Harrison that might erase most of the good-guy persona he’s cultivated in the NFL. According to one prominent national television reporter, if Harrison gets charged in this case, all of the dirty laundry that many people have been sifting through will be revealed.
Anbody who’s ever been a waiter in their life realizes that it can be a dreadfully demeaning job. Regardless of how much tip money you collect for five hours of work (most of which usually go back into the restaurant during the post-shift decompression time at the bar) there’s always a moment when you say to yourself, “This is why I should’ve never been an English major.”
The poor server who had the unfortunate experience of waiting on LeBron at Cleveland’s XO Prime Steaks during a recent late night pop-in probably had this thought. According to the Cleveland Scene, this is how it all went down:
LeBron pulls up in his Mercedes outside XO. People stop and try not to stare, but c’mon, it’s LeBron James. He enters the restaurant with a group of friends. On this special occasion, the King decides to dine late. He keeps his group there until around 3:45 a.m. During this time the waiter obsequiously pours drinks and fetches anything else His Greatness needs.
The final bill comes to $800. By the feudal laws of decorum, which stipulate that the affluent should administer a 20 percent gratuity, staffers figured they’d be pocketing an extra $160. But when they fetched the autographed bill after His Heinousness bolted back to Akron, their expectation turned to disbelief, then anger.
LeBron stiffed them with a meager $10 tip. This is what French nobles like to call your requisite Bourgeois Bitch-Slap. The waiter wouldn’t even take it, tired of being shat on by guys like LeBron.
It’d probably be in James’ best interest to now hire an official food taster if he plans on dining at anymore Cleveland restaurants in the near future.
Of course you all know the University of South Carolina Gamecock, pictured at left. But you may not be familiar with Blowie, the mascot of the Columbia Blowfish of the Coastal Plain League (the only costumed mascot who is deadly poisonous if not properly cooked). I’m not sure of the circumstances which brought them together, so all I can assume is that it was a part of God’s great plan. Gamecock and Blowie were meant to be together; it’s not unnatural or disgusting at all. Oh come on, look at the photo, it won’t bite. Stop being such a baby! Just try it this one time.
The CPL of course is a collegiate summer league, but operated as a professional minor league from 1937 to 1952. The CPL returned in 1997 to fill a void in summer baseball, and now features 14 teams from North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia. Among them are the Thomasville Hi-Toms, the Wilmington Sharks and the Wilson Tobs. But none of their mascots can equal the charm and brooding sex appeal of Blowie, seen in action below during a 2007 game.
Now, a trip to the land of minor league promotions:
• Prom Gone Wrong Night. Tonight, Stockton Ports (Class A California League). Featuring painful songs of heartache and rejection; awkward and embarrassing photos on the video board; parental chaperones … just like your prom, except that afterwards there might be sex. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]
• 80’s Hair Rock Night. Friday, May 9. West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). I always get my Hair Rock confused with my Glam Rock and my Glitter Rock. At any rate, there should be plenty of Mott The Hoople.
• Mascot/PA Announcer Tryouts. Saturday, May 10, Grand Prairie AirHogs (Independent American Association). “The Grand Prairie AirHogs have announced try-outs for various positions this coming Saturday. The team hopes to find its PA Announcer, Mascot, and National Anthem Singers all in one day. All are welcome. The auditions will take place at QuikTrip Park at Grand Prairie, located at 1600 Lone Star Parkway.” Also, it couldn’t hurt to bring your glove.
• Soybean Night. May 27, Fargo-Moorehead Redhawks (Independent Northern League). Not sure of the details here. All I know is that it’s sponsored by the North Dakota Soybean Council, and you know how crazy those guys can get.
• Figurine of the Moment. Ryan Howard Snow Globe Giveaway, Tonight, Reading Phillies (Class AA Eastern League). Howard, a Reading Phillies alumn, as you’ve always imagined him: In a Santa outfit, in a globe, surrounded by fake snow. It’ll be our merriest Christmas ever!
Remember when Dywane Wade was everybody’s favorite athlete? Humble, freakishly talented, good to his family, an All-American guy. So … what happened?
The Heat were the worst team in the NBA this year, and Wade’s buddy Shaq is gone. More to the point, though … Wade’s supposedly dating Star Jones (Star Jones! Seriously!) and having alleged groupies of his call into radio stations. Wade went from the superstar everyone can like to a beaten, injured spirit who’s showing up in gossip pages everywhere. (With Star Jones!) (!!)
We dunno; we supposed we’re just worried about the guy. That seemed to turn, like, really fast.
Now back in your starting lineup, sporting an 0-7 record and a 6.95 ERA, only the third starting pitcher since 1956 to go 0-6 before May … Barry Zito. Thank you. It was a good spot for Giants’ manager Bruce Bochy to bring Zito back from the bullpen. Wednesday’s opponent was the Pirates, featuring the pitching stylings of Phil Dumatrait, who came into the game with an 0-5 record in 17 career appearances. Surely Zito could win under those conditions. Pirates 3, Giants 1. Sigh.
Here’s the thing though: Zito didn’t suck (loud crash as you drop whatever that is that you were holding). He began with three scoreless innings, and finished with five innings pitched, giving up three hits, two earned runs and two walks, with five strikeouts. Xavier Nady had a two-run homer in the fourth; did you know he leads the NL in RBIs? Dumatrait, by the way, went 5 2/3 scoreless innings for the win, so congratulations to all of you who have him on your fantasy teams. *Crickets.* But Zito; light at the end of the tunnel. I know he can win a game if we all believe. Clap your hands if you believe!
• His Mob Name Is Joey Three Times. Remember this day, my friends, as the day that The Big Red Machine returned to Cincinnati. The Reds hit seven homers — three by Joey Votto — to claim a 9-0 win over the Cubs. The seven home runs broke the Reds’ team single-game record at Great American Ball Park, and it’s the most the Reds have hit in a game since setting the NL record with nine in Philadelphia on Sept. 4, 1999. Four of them came in the fourth off of Jon “Danger: Flammable Contents” Lieber.
• Bring Back The Sex Doll Shrine. Carlos Gomez hit for the cycle, which last happened to a Twins player a mere 22 years ago when Kirby Puckett did it. Livan Hernandez took a shutout into the ninth, and the Twins beat the White Sox 13-1. By the way, a friend of mine who saw the shrine said it was nothing bad, and that the only reason there was a controversy was because the Toronto media was determined to make make a big deal out of it. Beanball war! I hope the two teams harbor no ill feelings toward one another.
• Battle Of Unbeatens Results In One Being Beaten. Cleveland’s Cliff Lee — the anti-Zito — improved to 6-0 in six total starts, handing Chien-Ming Wang his first loss in a 3-0 decision over the Yankees. Fun fact I learned from a blog named CastroTurf: Lee (0.81 ERA) is working on a streak of 28 consecutive innings without giving up a walk, which is the longest streak in the majors.
• Your Eephus Pitch Update. Today’s victim of the eephus pitch is David Ortiz (actually Tuesday, I think). Enjoy.
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is about to take you to another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into the wondrous land of the NBA. Next stop, the Basketbawful zone. Enjoy!
That was just so Hollywood. Kobe Bryant got his perfect script. On the night he was presented his Lifetime Achievement Award MVP, his 34 points, 8 rebounds and 6 assists helped lead the Lakers to a 120-110 victory over the Utah Jazz in Game 2 of the teams’ second-round series. The only thing missing was Mamba slithering back to the locker room in slow motion while Chariots of Fire played in the background.
The Lakers continued to bake their bread at the line, and it was some real sour dough for the Jazz: L.A. shot 43 free throws compared to only 16 for Utah. And this discrepancy wasn’t lost on Jerry Sloan. “We’ve put them on the line 89 times (in two games). That’s way too many. That was the difference in the game, free throws.” Uh, yeah, you could say that. As General Obvious Carlos Boozer might say, “Them getting 27 more free throws than us really helped them a lot.”
Speaking of Carlos, his slump continued (10 points, 3-for-10) and he played only 24 minutes due to foul trouble in the first half. Deron Williams shook off a slow start to finish with 25 points and 10 assists, leading seven Jazz players in double figures. Paul Millsap added 17 points (7-for-13) and 10 boards, and he was the only reason Utah didn’t go down by 30 in the first half.
Derek Fisher twisted the knife in the Jazz fans’ back a little bit more with a 22-point, 7-for-10 game. Pau Gasol also had 20 points, and Lamar Odom continued to thrive in his “third option” role with 19 points and 16 rebounds.
Now the series moves to Utah, where I hear the Jazz play pretty well…
The return of the $110 Million Man. Rashard Lewis had kind of been sucking so far in this second-round series: Over the first two games, he had gone 15-for-41 from the field and 2-for-12 from three-point range. It’s like his bionic eye was really just an olive somebody shoved in there and his bionic arm had been replaced with a cheese log. Which might have actually happened in an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man. It was Return of the Deathprobe Part I, if I’m not mistaken.
Uh, anyway, Rashard got his superpowers back last night — 33 points, 11-for-15 shooting, 5-for-6 from The Land of Three — and the Magic ended their nine-game playoff jinx against the Pistons with a convincing 111-86 victory.
The win was made possible in part by hard practice and a healthy lifestyle, and also by the fact that Chauncey Billups strained his right hamstring and played only the first 3:49 of the first quarter. Detroit fell behind 30-16 in that opening stanza, and despite a little third quarter run, they were overwhelmed, much like I was while trying to think of an analogy with which to end this paragraph.
Pistons coach Flip Saunders said: “I’m concerned because (Billups is) our quarterback; he runs our team. You saw our first two games. He’s been a huge part of why we’ve been successful - that matchup has been huge for us.” No kidding. So is this the part where the MVP voters start recasting their ballots for Mr. Big Shot?
The Magic hit 54 percent of their shots as a team. Lewis got capable backup from Dwight Howard (20 points, 12 rebounds, 6 blocked shots), Hedo Turkoglu (18 points, team-high 6 assists), and Jameer “Thank God I didn’t have to play against Chauncey” Nelson (18 points, 7 rebounds). Rip Hamilton led the Pistons in both points (24) and turnovers (6), Tayshaun Prince added 22 points and 7 boards, and Rodney Stuckey did a poor man’s impersonation of Billups (19 points, 3 assists).
Fun fact(s): Steve Austin’s boss was named Oscar Goldman. And the Six Million Dollar Man toy line featured a bigfoot doll.
Basketbawful once again brings you the nightly NBA previews. And the Spurs’ championship formula. Basically, they…well, keep reading.
The muddled circumstances surrounding Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison’s invovement in a shooting last week are slowly coming together. The facts: it was 
Anbody who’s ever been a waiter in their life realizes that it can be a dreadfully demeaning job. Regardless of how much tip money you collect for five hours of work (most of which usually go back into the restaurant during the post-shift decompression time at the bar) there’s always a moment when you say to yourself, “This is why I should’ve never been an English major.” 
Remember when Dywane Wade was 
Now back in your starting lineup, sporting an 0-7 record and a 6.95 ERA, only the third starting pitcher since 1956 to go 0-6 before May … Barry Zito. Thank you. It was a good spot for Giants’ manager Bruce Bochy to bring Zito back from the bullpen. Wednesday’s opponent was the Pirates, featuring the pitching stylings of Phil Dumatrait, who came into the game with an 0-5 record in 17 career appearances. Surely Zito could win under those conditions. Pirates 3, Giants 1. Sigh. 
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is about to take you to another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into the wondrous land of the NBA. Next stop, the 
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