Archive for May, 2008

NBA Playoffs: A Friday Night Viewer’s Guide

Continue Reading May 16th, 2008

Basketbawful is here to once again bring you a double-dose of your favorite things: Boobs and basketball. Actually, scratch the boobs part. And you’ll have to talk to Will’s mom about that.

Cleveland versus Boston: Game 6

The inevitable (?) explosion. Everybody is waiting for it: The LeBron James Eruption. I mean, he’s too good not to have at least one freaktastically amazing game in this series … right? A lot of people thought it would be Game 5. They were wrong. So why not Game 6? Seems as good a time as any.

The inevitable (?) implosion. If KG has a bad game because he starts bailing out and shooting fadeaways from 17 feet, we’ll be treated to a few more days of “This is why KG can’t win in the playoffs” stories…I can’t wait!!

The missing Boobie: Daniel Gibson won’t be available for Game 6 because he separated his left shoulder diving for a loose ball in the fourth quarter of Game 5 and needs at least a week to recover. Bummer for him and the Cavs, but it’s not like he was getting a lot of PT.

Oh, the drama. Despite the fact that Boobie has only had one good game in this series — and no great ones — LeBron is wigging out a little bit about his absence. “It’s something we didn’t want to happen. It’s kind of the tale of our season — a guy goes down in the heat of a playoff series. He’s very key to our team. It’s not good seeing a guy who is that key to your team in a suit.” The story of their season is a guy going down in the heat of a playoff series? Did I totally miss something or is LeBron a little crazy from the playoff heat?

Oh, the damn, dirty lies. More from the King: “We’re not looking for a spectacular game from anybody. We just want to continue to do what we’ve been doing in the two wins we’ve had at home — guys stepped up. We’re not looking for a guy to go out and score 30 points or anything like that.” I’m sure that’s exactly what Mike Brown is thinking. (coughBULLSHITcough!!)

The implant procedure. Speaking of the non-Coach of the Year, Brown hasn’t decided whether to use Damon Jones, Devin Brown, or Sasha Pavlovic in place of the Boobmeister. Decisions, decisions. In the immortal words of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, it’s like choosing which puddle of vomit to lick. But wouldn’t you just assume he’d go ahead and use the guy they paid good money to re-sign in the offseason? Or does that make too much sense?

Regrets. So many regrets. Zydrunas Ilgauskas has an interesting take on how and why the Cavaliers dropped Game 5. “We had them on their heels. (In the second half) It just seemed like we really weren’t into it. We came out a half-step slow.” Okay, so let me get this straight: The Cleveland players “weren’t really into” a crucial playoff game? Is he serious, or is this one of those language barrier things? I hope for his sake it’s the latter.

Doc Rivers wants…what, exactly? Rajon Rondo busted Cleveland in the chops in Game 5 by going off for 20 points and 13 assists, and he even nailed a couple triples. And Doc wants him to do, well, this: “If they’re going to leave him open, I want him to shoot it. But I don’t want him to look for it.” Sound advice. Say, how did this guy not win Coach of the Year? (P.S. I want Indiana Jones to find the Crystal Skull if it’s just sitting out in the open in front of him, but I don’t want him to look for it.)

The long and winding road. I hope you’re wearing ankle suspenders, because this is going to knock your socks the hell off: The Celtics haven’t won a road game in the playoffs yet. Did you know that?! But don’t worry, Celtics. Doc has the solution. “We’re just going to show up and play basketball.” Yup. That should totally work.

Utah versus L.A.: Game 6

Home cookin’. The home team in this series always seems to end up with 40+ free throws. Will the trend continue tonight? (My guess: Oh hell yes.)

Captain Obvious. Carlos Boozer, the current four-star General Obvious promoted Matt Harpring after he made the following statement: “If we lose, we go home. We certainly don’t want to lose on our home court the last game of the year. No way.” And that is something I never would have guessed, Matt.

Kobe’s back. Nobody quite knows how badly Mamba’s back is still hurting. But everybody knows this: It’s a good thing the Lakers aren’t playing the Spurs, or else Cheap Shot Rob would be painting a big red target on Mamba’s hindquarters.

The Wisdom of Zen. Phil Jackson has deep thoughts on how the Lakers can win Game 6: “The message is being under control. It’s about execution at this point. It’s about winning the game.” And that, my friends, is how you get into the Hall of Fame. Write that down.

Slurp, slurp, slurp. Lamar Odom on Kobe’s Game 5 performance: “Incredible, as always. Kobe made plays for us when he needed to.” But you know, despite the kind words, don’t you get the feeling that Lamar really doesn’t like Mamba?

The Jazz must empty their craw. Jerry Sloan doesn’t want his team thinking about the no-call in Game 5 when Pau Gasol climbed Mehmet Okur’s back like it was a stripper pole. “You can’t worry about that. If you keep that in your craw, then you’re going to be affected by it in the next game.” Good call, coach. I hate it when my craw gets all full.

You can’t press the Reset button, Carlos. Carlos Boozer on Utah’s missed opportunities in Game 5: “You watch the tape of the game, you wish you could jump in the screen and play it all over again. I thought we had the opportunity to take the lead a few times, and looking back on it, it’s definitely frustrating.” Then, General Obvious totally came through: “You put the pressure on the home team if you get the lead.” YES!

More General Obvious. Oh, Carlos was just warming up with that last comment. “We’ve got two left with them. We’ve got to win tomorrow night to have the second one.”

History is on, uh, who’s side exactly? According to the history books, the Jazz are 1-1 when hosting a Game 6 and trailing 3-2 in the last 10 years. NO, seriously. The victory came in the first round last year when the Jazz beat the Rockets in Utah. As for the loss, well, you know, I’ve just put the 1998 NBA Finals out of my mind, okay?

Jerry Sloan, master debater. Coach Sloan on the Jazz’s, er, chances. “If you like to play, what better position could you be in? They have to come and beat us, and we hope we don’t beat ourselves.” Uhm, yeah. I’m out.

Greg Oden Needs To Come Back Soon

Continue Reading May 16th, 2008


Greg Oden, honestly, you can’t back to the NBA fast enough. We’re not sure what’s going on with his hair here, but we still love it. We fully expect to run into Oden at, like, half the parties we go to.

Game Called On Account Of Jellyfish

Continue Reading May 16th, 2008

Enjoy it while you can, Marlins fans. Your team may have won two World Series titles and is currently in first place in the NL Central, but things have a way of evening out (Dontrelle Willis calls it karma). According to a study cited in the Orlando Sentinel, the polar ice caps are melting at such an alarming rate that South Florida may soon be underwater. And that tends to put a crimp in concession sales.

Perhaps you remember this somewhat controversial Sports Illustrated cover from March of last year. The story examined how the effects of global warming may be causing dramatic weather swings, thus changing winter sports, and resulting in more baseball rainouts. But even SI didn’t know how prescient the cover really was.

The same day the federal government added the polar bear to the endangered species list because of global warming, South Florida water managers agreed to take a yearlong look at how melting ice could raise sea levels that could claim the southern part of the state.

Coincidently, the district’s governing board on Wednesday met in Sebring, northwest of Lake Okeechobee, which Board Chairman Eric Buermann pointed out was once Florida’s southern tip. “It may be again,” Buermann said.

The SI article was controversial because, predictably, global warming naysayers did not want politics mixed with their NFL dogfighting news. Fine. But when the Marlins’ fan base is reduced to these three people, don’t come crying to me.

Study: Will Rising Ocean Submerge Part Of South Florida? [Orlando Sentinel]
Environmental Journalism At The Crossroads [Stanford News Service]

Boston Little League Crushes Rogue Parent, Keeps Nation Free For Democracy

Continue Reading May 16th, 2008

A seven-year-old Boston area Little Leaguer was benched for two games recently when his mother didn’t show up for her scheduled shift at the league snack bar. The Freetown Youth Athletic Association levied the penalty on the child due to his scofflaw mother, who claims that — get this — she had to work that day to feed her family.

Dave Brouillette, president of the Freetown Youth Athletic Association, said he doesn’t like benching the kids, but it has to be done because he can’t punish the parents. “Unfortunately, yeah, we are taking it out on the kid in the big scheme of things, but it is very difficult to punish a parent.”

And as we all know, someone MUST be punished. And since you are frail and somewhat defenseless my child, I’m afraid that it will have to be you. Carry on, Freetown Youth Athletic Association; you are helping to keep America on the right path. Because as we all know, a nation is only as strong as its ability to dispense Slim Jims.

Boy Benched After Mom Skips Concession Stand Shift [WBZTV.com]
Kid Benched When Mom Skips Concession Shift [SportsbyBrooks]

Jose Canseco Would Like To Tussle With Athletic-Types

Continue Reading May 16th, 2008

Per Radar, it appears Jose Canseco is about to embark on his latest money-making idea’r and this time it involves two of his favorite pastimes: 1) Mixed martial arts, and 2) Shameless hucksterism.

Here’s what will supposedly take place at the Atlantic City Surf’s minor league baseball stadium:

Canseco is seeking three people over 200 pounds to fight him in Atlantic City’s Surf Stadium on July 12. The three dudes will get $5,000 each for going three rounds (two minutes each). Promoters reportedly prefer athletic types or celebrities to hop into the ring, but any mook’ll do.

According to Hoffman Wolff, media relations mouthpiece of the Atlantic City Surf, there have been discussions with Jose Canseco’s people to make this happen, but the date is not official yet. Wolff says they would most likely hold the event on a Surf off day, but the specifics — who Jose will fight, time, cost — are still being hashed out. Most likely, Jose’s people will probably try to shake every single cent from concessions and ticket sales, so this “event” still might never happen.

If it does, I wonder if Pat Jordan counts as enough of a celebrity? That would be quite a battle.

Jose Canseco wants to whoop you [Radar]

Talking To Manny’s High Five Friend

Continue Reading May 16th, 2008

Whatever your thoughts about Manny Ramirez and the Boston Red Sox, you had to love Manny’s wild, patented “great catch, followed by high five, followed by doubling off a runner from first base” play from Wednesday. It was a signature Manny moment; insane, absurd, joyous. But what about the fan he high fived?

The Lost Ogle blog has an interview with Randy Dunning, the recipient of the famed five. The guy is as agog as you’d expect.

When it happened all I was thinking was, holy crap, heck yeah! You can see me point down to Manny after the catch. I think that was what got his attention and he saw the lone Sox fan in the midst of a bunch of Orioles fans. I had no idea he planned on jumping up the wall, but I figured he was going to do a Lambeau Leap, so I prepared to grab his arm and pull him up. As I reached out, he slapped my hand, dropped down and made a hell of a play. Thats why, I’m not sure I’d call it a high-five. Maybe more of a slap 4.

As exciting of a highlight as that is, we still kind of wish Dunning would have grabbed his arm and pulled him, regardless. Somehow we imagine Manny still finding a way to throw the runner out, while taking a moment to eat a hot dog.

A Lost Ogle Q & A: The Manny Ramirez High Five Guy [The Lost Ogle]

Jason Giambi And The Yankees Sing The Thong Song

Continue Reading May 16th, 2008

Remember how in Bull Durham, when Nuke LaLoosh wears a garter belt to help relax him on the mound? Well, apparently, Jason Giambi has a similar slumpbusting technique … though it’s perhaps one he shouldn’t share with the world.

Giambi told Portfolio magazine that when he’s slumping, he wears a thong. And that’s not the worst of it.

“I only put it on when I’m desperate to get out of a big slump,” he tells Portfolio.com. Over the years, the 37-year-old All-Star has left the “golden thong” in the lockers of slumping teammates Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, Robin Ventura, and Robinson Cano.



“All of them wore it and got hits,” he reports. “The thong works every time.”

Considering the Yankees are currently in last place, one wonders how much the thong is being passed around right now. We hope this is one of those one-size-fits-all type thongs; maybe they have a special “juice-sized” thong that they broke out a few years ago but can’t use as often now.

Jason Giambi Wears Thong When In Slump [New York Daily News]




The Problem With The Padres? Tight Booties

Continue Reading May 16th, 2008


What’s wrong with the Padres? With Thursday’s 4-0 loss to the Cubs, our Closest Team to Mexico is at 15-27, the worst record in the majors … that’s more horrible than Detroit, folks. The big reason seems to be the strikeouts-per-at-bats ratio, or as scientists call it, tight booties. Just listen to occasional Padres hitting instructor Tony Gwynn, who recalls former San Diego manager Dick Williams once saying that players sometimes fail because of “a tight butt.”

“I still use that line today. I just changed it up, but I tell the kids you can’t play with a tight booty. There’s nothing you can do in the game with a tight booty. You can’t run, you can’t pitch, you can’t hit, you can’t do anything.”

The Padres struck out 14 times on Thursday, (after whiffing 15 times the night before), creating a breeze in a place that doesn’t need the extra wind. The San Diego Union Tribune points out that that’s 29 strikeouts in a span of 54 outs and 20 hours. Chicago’s Ryan Dempster set a career high with 12 strikeouts Thursday (his previous high this season was seven). On Wednesday, Ted Lilly struck out 11 over six innings.

Over two games, 41 percent of the Padres who stepped into the batter’s box walked away without putting the ball in play. Not that they were working the count. Only three Padres drew walks over the course of 18 innings.

The Padres, who have been shut out four times this season, are last in the league in runs scored (140, 3.3 per game) and hitting (.233). Tadahito Iguchi struck out five times in the two games. Greg Maddux gave up 11 hits over 4 1/3 innings, leaving in the fifth following Derrek Lee’s two-run double. The Wrigley Field crowd gave the former Cub a standing ovation. Thanks to Gaslamp Ball for pointing out that Gwynn quote.

• Brandon Webb Is Probably A Robot. Or a Replicant, whatever they call things that look like us but are three times as powerful. Webb went 9-for-9 for the season, becoming the majors’ first nine-game winner in Arizona’s 8-5 triumph over Colorado. Of course it helps to have offensive support, as Stephen Drew had two doubles, a triple and a single. No one has won his first 10 starts since San Diego’s Andy Hawkins in 1985, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. Webb has won 11 straight starts dating to this past September. The Diamondbacks are 8-1 against the Rockies this season.

• Introducing Your Last-Place New York Yankees. I really didn’t mean to dwell on the negative today, but I’ve praised the Rays two or three times already this season, and the Yankees would have slipped silently into last place in the AL East had I not pointed it out. Scott Kazmir’s first start since agreeing to a $28.5 million contract extension was a winner, and Akinori Iwamura and Shawn Riggans each had homers as first-place Tampa Bay won 5-2. It may be time for George “Little Enos” Steinbrenner to give another pep talk.

• Gimme A Big Wet One. Top of the ninth, tie game. Catcher gives a target low and outside to the Astros’ Lance Berkman. Giants’ reliever Vinnie Chulk throws it inside at the belt. What happened? You freakin’ guess!

• The Dance, She Is Over. The Indians had to try really hard to break their scoreless innings streak, but they did it. Aaron Laffey gave up an unearned run on his own throwing error which ended the team’s streak of scoreless innings by starters at 44 1/3. Howevah, Cleveland won 4-2.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Play Of The Day. Wizard Cat is outraged at those fans who claim that Willie Harris’ diving catch in the bottom of the ninth may have been a trapped ball. The catch, which robbed the Mets’ Ryan Church of extra bases and probably saved the game for the Nationals, was clearly legal, and anyone who says otherwise will deal with a furious cat who is not above using your penis as a scratching post. Wizard Cat gives this catch: Six wands. And now it’s time for …

Wizard Cat’s mailbag! (Wizard Cat is a cat, and therefore cannot reply to email. He also cannot read. Email will not be read to him).

• You shouldn’t make fun of cats. — Cindy Lehr, Miramar, Calif.

• Are Wizard Cat’s abilities limited to rating individual defensive plays, or can it also provide general life advice? Because I’ve got this upstairs neighbour who is constantly vacuuming, and I’m at my wit’s end. — Gourmet Spud

• For a nominal fee, Wizard Cat will sneak into your neighbor’s home, claw-up their furniture and shit in their shoes. — Weed Against Speed

• Come back to mommy. I have new poems, and several new outfits for you to try. — Dee Mirich

• Wizard Cat: What do you think of the Jim Edmonds deal? — zebra66

Contact Wizard Cat at WizardCat@live.com

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