Archive for April 11th, 2008
Continue Reading April 11th, 2008
Tonight, we assume you are being good Americans and going out on the town to spend, therefore fortifying our flagging economy. However, if you are one of those recluses who spend your Friday night at home getting stoned and watching Animal Planet — and by “Animal Planet,” we mean “reruns of Mad Money,” we encourage you to flip the Tivo to NBC, for the Miss USA Pageant. Why? Well, because you’re kind of creepy. But also: Because Shawne Merriman is one of the judges!.
No, really: Merriman will be sitting on the dais with:
“‘Days of Our Lives’ star Kristian Alfonso, Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard, Project Runway winner Christian Siriano, former *NSYNC member Joey Fatone, ‘activist’ Heather Mills and comedian Rob Schneider.
Remind us again why steroids are bad for you? We don’t see Rafael Palmeiro on that panel … but we suspect he’ll stop by, anyway.
Miss USA 2008 Odds [Vegas Watch]
Continue Reading April 11th, 2008
Didn’t Alex Smith attend college in Utah, where drunkenly attempting to eat girls’ faces is prohibited? (unless they’re one of your wives, that is). Hey, who cares! We’re in Mexico! Finally, my frequent visits to 49ersnews pay off.
Here’s a thought: What if Matt Leinart and Alex Smith played on the same team? They could carpool, and their drunken party photos could all be released at the same time. Also this photo is funny because I have that same exact hat.
Smith Tries To One-Up Leinart [49ersnews]
Continue Reading April 11th, 2008
Surprising no one, OJ Mayo announced yesterday that he’s leaving USC to enter the NBA Draft. Hard to blame the guy; most mock drafts have him going in the top five. (Love that video preview for the Mock Draft, ESPN!)
So the OJ Mayo era at USC ends with a first-round tournament loss to the other heralded freshman. You may remember the famous tale of Mayo calling coach Tim Floyd to inform he was coming to USC even though the two had never chatted. Many felt that it was a dangerous precedent, allowing the players to pretty much run amok in the name of big recruiting splashes.
And what did the Trojans gets out of it? A first-round playoff exit and, so far, four years of Lil Romeo. On scholarship. At least it’s better than what Indiana got out of Eric Gordon.
OJ Mayo’s End Of An Era [Rush The Court]
Continue Reading April 11th, 2008
You may remember, from Pat Jordan’s already famous story for us about trying to interview Jose Canseco, his lawyer “Rob,” a “a Cherokee Indian from North Carolina” who, after four years working for Jose, had yet to be paid. Well, Canseco might have just done Rob — whose real name is Robert Saunooke — a big favor: He just fired him.
Saunooke seems a bit bewildered by the firing … and more than a little relieved.
“What’s percolating is I don’t represent him anymore. I terminated my relationship with him,” said Saunooke. “Just moving on. It’s a number of things. Irreconcilable differences, disagreement on some issues. I just don’t need the hassle anymore.”
Here’s perhaps our favorite section on Canseco and Saunooke from the story:
Over the last few years, Rob has negotiated prospective deals for Jose worth almost $2 million. Rob got Taco Bell to ante up $25,000, plus residuals, for Jose to star in a TV commercial in which Jose would hold up a huge burrito and say, “This thing’s gotta be on something.” Jose demanded $50,000 instead and Taco Bell walked. Rob also got Jose an offer of $100,000 from GoldenPalace.com, which would require Jose simply to wear that company’s t-shirt and cap whenever he was on TV. Jose demanded $200,000 and Golden Palace walked. Then, Rob got Jose an offer of $75,000 from a reality TV show that wanted to film Jose in a wheelchair for thirty days. Jose demanded more, and the TV show vanished. Finally, Rob got Jose an offer of $500,000 for a movie based on his life, but Jose demanded $1.5 million and the offer vanished. “I told him, ‘You’re not Bill Clinton, Jose!’” said Rob.
Rob, we congratulate you on your return to the world of the sane.
Jose Canseco Parts Ways With His Longtime Agent [New York Daily News]
Chasing Jose, By Pat Jordan [Deadspin]
Continue Reading April 11th, 2008
What the fungus is going on here? About a month ago during spring training, The Dugout over at AOL asked Giants fans if they would rather have Rich Aurilia beat them senseless with construction site debris, or have Barry Bonds back for another season. I of course chose the former, and braced myself for the pummeling. But, could it be that the Giants are actually … decent? Magic Eight Ball says: “Better Not Tell You Now”. But a 5-1 win over the Cardinals on Thursday — their third win in a row — is a good sign, no?
Despite a rather comical semi-slide into third by Fred Lewis on a triple (the Giants had a triple!), all went well on Thursday for the home team. Kevin Correia became the latest starter to turn in a decent effort, going 7 2/3 innings and giving up five hits, taking a shutout into the eighth. Giants pitchers actually had a 19-inning scoreless streak going before Troy Glaus doubled home a run for the Cardinals in the ninth. Getting in on the fun have been Tim Lincecum (six innings, seven hits, seven strikeouts) and Jonathan “Dirty” Sanchez (six innings, three hits, 10 strikeouts). That’s going to be the recipe for any kind of success the Giants are going to have, because it sure ain’t going to come at the plate. Although, Lewis doubled, tripled and scored twice on Thursday. And before the game, he was fined $12 for wearing his black uniform belt with a blue suit a night earlier. That’s the type of shenanigans which did not occur when Bonds occupied his leather clubhouse Barcalounger. Proving that as far as team chemistry goes, the Giants are no longer Breaking Bad.
• Oops, Tigers Lose Again. Perhaps rendered overconfident by their dazzling one-game winning streak, Detroit resumed sucking on Thursday, 12-6 to the Red Sox. For those of you keeping score in your mother’s basement, the Tigers are now 1-8. Neo-third baseman Kevin Youkilis had two RBI and scored two runs and Sean Casey had two hits and two RBI for Boston. Hey, who’s excited about the big Yankees-Red Sox series this weekend? Anyone? Um, anyone?
• Bringing His A Game. Travis Buck, whom I believe was played by Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy, won it with a two-run double in the 12th as the Athletics beat the Blue Jays 3-2. Exciting! Buck had three hits and three RBI as Oakland swept the three-game series and won its seventh straight in Toronto. Buck had started the season 0-for-22.
• Marlin Lands Human. Your first-place Florida Marlins won on Thursday when left fielder Josh Willingham robbed the Nationals’ Nick Johnson of a game-tying homer in the ninth by leaping above the fence and pulling the ball back onto the field. It popped out of his glove and went for a run-scoring double, but Florida held on to win.
• Who Ordered The Code Red? Ex-Brewer Francisco Cordero was booed lustily by the Milwaukee crowd when he came on in relief in the ninth, then proceeded to put his four-year, $46 million contract into action by retiring Prince Fielder (pop out), Ryan Braun (strikeout) and Bill Hall (groundout) to end the game. Reds win, 4-1.
Continue Reading April 11th, 2008
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who would do anything for love, but he won’t do that. No, he won’t do that. When he’s not memorizing Meat Loaf lyrics, you can find him karaokeing them at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
Hey Warriors…what’s that on your face? I’ll tell you. It’s egg. And mud. And there’s a little destiny mixed in there too. Golden State had every chance to take the pole position in their race for the eighth and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. They were at home, their fans were waving “We Believe” posters, and they even finished the first stanza with a 15-point lead. Then it all went to hell. Starting in the second quarter, the Nuggets jumped all over them, led by Carmelo Anthony (25 points, 9 rebounds) and Allen Iverson (33 points, 9 assists, and three-point dagger to stop the Warriors’ final run). J.R. Smith also knocked in 24 off the bench.
Golden State got 29 from Monta Ellis and a triple-double from Baron Davis (20 points, 10 rebounds, 11 assists), but B-Dizzle (9-for-25) and Stephen Jackson (5-for-17) shot poorly, and that bricklaying killed their team. The win gives the Nuggets (48-31) a one-game lead over the Warriors (47-32) with three games left. And Denver has the tiebreaker. With the Nuggets defense, anything can happen, but it doesn’t look good for last year’s miracle team.
Who is that man and what has he done with Dirk Nowitzki?! It’s official: The space invasion is underway, and those green bastards have started with our foreign basketball players. I knew something was up when Rasho Nesterovic unexpectedly returned to life and started averaging 15 and 8. But a clutch Dirk Nowitzki?! All I can say is, you’d better get used to a daily dose of anal probing and learn how to speak Martian — at least the common phrases, like “Please don’t disintegrate me!” — because nobody’s walking away from the alienpocalypse. Nobody.
Mork from Ork … I mean, Dirk … .scored 32 points and hit a clutchtastic three with 0.9 seconds left to lift Dallas to a 97-94 victory over the Utah Jazz. The win — the Mavs’ second straight over a top-tier team — not only helped Dallas reach the 50-win marker, it also secured their playoff berth. Not bad, Lord Xenu. Not bad. Deron Williams had 18 points and 12 assists for the Jazz, and he banked in a game-tying three-pointer with a handful of ticks left on the clock before Nowitzki won it with nobody in his mug. Said Jason Terry: “How do you leave the MVP wide open?” Good question.
Memo to Dirk: I know you’re excited about hitting those game-winning shots. And we’re all excited for you. Really. But please, for the love of God, please stop popping your jersey when you do it. Securing a playoff seed does not give you the right to become an arrogant cocksmith, even if it’s in the Western Conference.
The Lakers swept the Clippers. Actually, they did more than just sweep them. They beat them with the broom and then shoved it up their … pick and roll. It’s the first time in five years that the Showtimers have swept the season series against their bizarro clones, and they won the four meetings by an average of 26 points. Who run Barter Town? The Lakers run Barter Town. Luke Walton presided over the 106-78 piledriver by scoring a team-high 18 points on 7-for-12 from the field, which made up for some foul shooting by Kobe (6-for-17) and Derek Fisher (3-for-10). Elton Brand scored 23 for the Clippers in his fifth game back from a left Achilles’ tendon explosion. Al Thornton had 22 and 10.
Continue Reading April 11th, 2008
We turned exactly 32-and-a-half yesterday, and that got us to thinking about how we should celebrate our 33rd birthday, because we are not one of those people who are bashful about birthdays. Karaoke party? Chevy’s fiesta? Ritualistic human sacrifice? We decided to just listen to Tampa Bay Devil Rays setup man (and onetime Cardinals savior) Al Reyes, and have someone tase the shit out of us on our special day.
That’s what Reyes did last night/this morning for his 38th, and it worked out right well for him.
Apparently Al was in Hyde Park Cafe when he fell against a ceramic pot. Thinking someone randomly pushed him, Al started “exchanging” words with a gentlemen. We don’t know what was said, but the guy ended up punching Al in the face. Police say Al “began to spit blood on the people in the area and began to swing his arms about.” The bar’s bouncers were trying to control Reyes, but Al wasn’t having any of it as he continued to spit blood and swing his arms around.
After not being able to calm him down Police tased him, knocking him to the floor, but that didn’t stop Reyes. He refused Police commands to stay down, got up, and was tased a second time. Reyes was eventually calmed down and treated for a cut on his nose. Al was charged with affray; Mora was charged with battery. Both were released on their own recognizance.
This is yet another example of the instigating, provoking nature of clay pottery. There you are, just minding your own business, and next thing you know, what started with a simple disagreement with a ceramic pot ends with you spitting blood and being tased by police. (Twice.) Happy 38th birthday, Al!
Happy Birthday Al Reyes/Don’t Tase Me Bro [Rays Anatomy]
