Archive for March 13th, 2008
Continue Reading March 13th, 2008
This is a special NBA Closer extra from Basketbawful
The Minnesota Timberwolves recently unvieled a new team motto/marketing slogan for the remainder of the season: “Let’s Build It!” They even have a fancy blueprint along with a co-testimonial from Al Jefferson and Randy Foye. Of course, it’s just the motivational speaking equivalent of GM Kevin McHale and owner Glen Taylor dropping to their knees and begging fans to please, please, please not give up on the team (and maybe buy some season tickets), but you’ve gotta believe, right? Who’s with me?! Hello?
Even though most NBA teams already have a slogan for this season, there’s still time to come up with something new to rally the troops around. Here are some suggestions.
Eastern Conference
Atlanta Hawks: Let’s keep the Suns from getting a lottery pick!
Boston Celtics: We have the best record in the league. What, you need more than that?
Charlotte Bobcats: Buy the The Air Jordan XX3s, available wherever Air Jordans are sold!
Chicago Bulls: You want guards, we’ve got guards! Guards, guards, everywhere!
Cleveland Cavaliers: Crappy supporting players = more LeBron! No need to thank us.
Detroit Pistons: Wake us for the playoffs…so sleepy…
Indiana Pacers: No more arrests. We really, really promise this time!
Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade will be back next year. Until then, more shots for Ricky Davis!
Milwaukee Bucks: Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!
New Jersey Nets: Brooklyn or bust! Probably bust.
New York Knicks: Let’s blow this thing up! (Translation: Fire Isiah.)
Orlando Magic: Who cares if we win or lose? Have you seen Dwight Howard dunk?!
Philadelphia 76ers: City of Brotherly Love? Pfffft! Yeah, right!
Toronto Raptors: It’s time for the humans to face extinction. Reeeaaarrrh!
Washington Wizards: Better with without with Agent Zero!
Western Conference
Dallas Mavericks: No! More! Bloggers!
Denver Nuggets: See? One ball really was enough!
Golden State Warriors: Defense is just waiting to get back on offense!
Houston Rockets: It’s the Great Space Coaster, get on board, on the Great Space Coaster, We’ll explore!
Los Angeles Clippers: We’re sorry. So very sorry.
Los Angeles Lakers: Jack Kent Cooke’s balloons are back in the rafters, if you know what we mean (nudge nudge, wink wink).
Memphis Grizzlies: Brian, Darko, and Kwame - A foundation for the future. (Of course, it’s one of those post-apocalyptic, “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” futures, but still.)
New Orleans Hornets: We can’t believe you aren’t gonna give CP3 the MVP. Bitches.
Phoenix Suns: Let’s slow it down…okay, slow it down…wait for Shaq…
Portland Trail Blazers: “No playoffs” just means “Fewer games ’till The Greg Oden Era!”
Sacramento Kings: It’s Sacramento. What the hell else are you gonna do? Seriously?
San Antonio Spurs: We’re not older. We’re wiser.
Seattle SuperSonics: Reach inside our mystery grab bag! You never know what you’re gonna get! (And neither do we!)
Utah Jazz: Who needs excitment when you have the Jazz?!
Continue Reading March 13th, 2008
Our first 2008 chapter of Minor Enterprise is still a few weeks away, but there’s no reason we can’t get a jump on the Minor League Baseball promotional season with this bit of news: The Macon Music of the South Coast League will hold Eliot Spitzer Night on June 13th. I already have my tickets.
The team announced Wednesday that Luther Williams Field will play host to Eliot Spitzer night on June 13 in honor of the disgraced New York governor who announced his resignation Wednesday after allegations surfaced about his involvement in a prostitution ring. The plans call for an invitation extended to Spitzer to attend the game and throw out the first pitch. Other elements for the promotion include:
• The Music will give away a trip to New York and a one-night stay at the Mayflower Hotel.
• The ninth fan - or Client No. 9, as Spitzer was known in the prostitution ring - into the ballpark will receive a free Music prize pack.
• Fans with the name Eliot, Spitzer or Kristen, along with any fan from New York, will receive $1 off admission. Any fan who has ever resigned a position will also receive $1 off admission.
• The Music will play Frank Sinatra songs throughout the night.
• Wire taps will be placed around the stadium.
• Fans will be able to use ATMs in the ballpark available for cash withdrawals not to exceed $5,000 per hour.
• The 871st fan through the gates will receive a gift certificate for the team store.
Nowhere, however, do I see the five golden words I was longing for: “Certificate good for free prostitute.”
Eliot Spitzer Night Comes To Macon [Lion In Oil]
Minor Enterprise [Deadspin]
Macon Music Official Site
Continue Reading March 13th, 2008
For the third consecutive season, we are proud to introduce the Deadspin Baseball Season Previews. Yes, baseball is awfully close now; it’s spring training, after all.
Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.
Today: The Philadelphia Phillies. Your author is A.J. Daulerio and … Bill Conlin.
A.J. Daulerio will be the senior writer at Deadspin starting March 31. Bill Conlin covers the Phillies for the Philadelphia Daily News. Their words are after the jump.
For Christmas this year, I received that shirt you see in the right hand corner. It was a gift from my well-intentioned fiancée, who decided that she’d invest in something sports-oriented. It is a thoughtful gift, isn’t it? It is very well-made and its colors suggest the Phillies baby blues of the 70’s, replete with red and white racing stripes on the arms. And the number: 22. Why, that’s the number worn by Jay Loviglio in 1980. Then it was Bobby Dernier’s number for a while. Now? It’s mine. I’m sure my first reaction when I unwrapped the shirt was the way a parent reacts when their toddler gives them heartfelt, but completely useless presents like a shoe box full of grass or a broach made of bowtie pasta. My second reaction was pure bewilderment — when had I expressed my desire to start dressing like Jermaine Dupri?
Look, I’m a Phillies fan, but I’ve never been much of personalized jersey guy (except in unique circumstances, of course). It’s always bothered me that Philadelphia sports fans have this odd tendency to buy team jerseys, then put their own surnames on the back. You can get away with this if you’re a famous singer or a politician, but not a Jewish mortgage broker from Bryn Mawr. (Honestly, you’re not helping the cause if you take the Taxi Crab to Broad and Pattison then show up sporting a Flyers jersey with the “Schwartzenstein” on the back.)
And this isn’t even a jersey. It’s a button-down shirt that looks like a jersey. This is just awful.
But I wore this shirt-jersey (shirsey) to a New Year’s party this past year, fully expecting to get mercilessly ridiculed (or, actually, I was hopeful she would). But each time I forced people to comment on the shirt, even with a generous amount of ironic build-up, the reaction was oddly … positive.
“Seriously? Are you looking at this thing? Do you honestly think anyone can pull this off if they’re not a member of Boyz II Men?”
“It’s kind of awesome, actually.”
Granted, some of these guests were full-blown ape-fisted Phillies fans and by that point this was a few drinks into New Year’s Eve, but … come on. Not even a snicker?
The reason this wasn’t as big a joke? The Phillies were winners. They won the N.L. East. Remember? In dramatic, holy shitballs-fashion. So this New Jack shirsey was tolerable because it still served as a reminder of last year’s breathtaking fall.
And in order to look forward to this season, you have to look back. For many Phillies fans, the first time they heard a Harry Kalas homerun call hooks them. The first looong drive walk-off sticks to your insides for the rest of your life. But when you start to pick up the paper and read about the Phillies the first guy to leave that sort of mark was … Bill Conlin.
He’s the writer that pulled you into the wondrous haze of Phillies baseball. Each of his columns reeked of hot dogs and the late night post-game boozefest at the local crap tavern. He was there; he was part of it. Even if he wasn’t actually cooze-chasing with the players anymore, he still wrote like he did. At least you know he did at one point. It made the team more likable, more human — this was your team. He ripped the guys that needed it and doled out compliments only in small doses, because as poetic as his baseball beat could be, he absolutely wasn’t soft. When you’re young and first gaining an appreciation for both baseball and writing, Conlin was mesmerizing. He even made the ugliest of Phillies squads amusing. (Did Conlin just compare John Felske’s managerial style to some failed WW I general?) So at the start of what would most likely be another memorable Phillies season, it seemed only fitting to ask him if he’d help out. But would he?
That’s the thing about Conlin: even though he can be the grouchiest son of a bitch at times, the man’s not going to turn his back on a Phillies fan. Even a lowly pamphleteer.
He agreed to participate and share his thoughts on the upcoming season … and send along pictures of himself surfing.
AJD: So, is this Mets/Phillies rivalry the best one you’ve ever seen?
CONLIN: 1975-83 Phillies vs. Pirates was intense, combative and needed no help from the media. Those Pirates of “Fam-i-lee” fame played with “attitude” before the term became a buzzword. Mix a squad heavy with talented blacks and Latinos, add a little coke, sprinkle liberally with greenies, turn up the volume on the clubhouse sound system, put a permissive players manager like Chuck Tanner in charge and step back and watch the line drives fly. You know it was intense when a laid back guy like Mike Schmidt charged the mound and broke a knuckle on the bony head of Bruce “The Assassin” Kison. Phils were in awe of the Big Red Machine, who swept them in ‘76 and went downhill after they lost Pete Rose and their pitching collapsed. Once the Pirates were moved out of the East, the Mets should have become the natural rivalry, but until the Phillies got into their current almost-good rut, it seemed that whenever they were decent, the Mets were wretched and visa versa. Now it appears destined to become the real deal.
AJD: Does having a woman like Anna Benson (presumably) in this city cause a distraction in the clubhouse? Has there ever been a player on the Phillies who had an equally (potentially) distracting wife or girlfriend?
CONLIN: I don’t understand how a trophy wife would cause clubhouse problems unless she insists on sharing Benson’s locker. It becomes a problem if the other wives bitch about her at home. It becomes a real problem if she pullls a Mary Jane Johnstone and the club lets her fly charters with Kris. Mary Jane flew every charter with Jay, accompanied by two tiny toy poodles she carried in her handbag and her presence in the road hotels really put the club’s large number of chasers in deep stealth mode.
(Ed. Note. Mary Jane Johnstone was wife of Phillies former outfielder Jay Johnstone. Probably best known for his rain delay antics and his appearance as the first batter called out on strikes by Lt. Frank Drebin in “The Naked Gun.”)
AJD: Last year, Inquirer writer Sam Carchidi almost got the crap kicked out of him by Brett Myers? Did you ever come to blows with any of the players?
CONLIN: When I went on the beat in 1966, I was 32 years old and was still an active surfer, 6-1 and about 225. Ashburn once wrote in his Bulletin column that I was stronger than a lot of guys on the ballclub. I was never physically threatened by any player, although traveling sec Eddie Ferenz and I went a few no-decision rounds one night in Montreal during a Molson’s induced argument. Ferenz once cold-cocked reliever Dick Selma, knocking him onto the baggage carousel in Newark Airport. In 1986 I was inducted into the Ocean Rowing Hall of Fame. These photos were taken around 1970:
AJD: Last year I talked about how Burrell’s engagement might impact his play and brought up his alleged lady-killer past. Out of the guy’s you’ve covered, which Phillies player got the most ass?
CONLIN: Bo Belinsky without a close second. How can you match a stable that included Ann-Margret, Connie Stevens, Tina Louise, and Mamie Van Doren, And then the guy marries (and divorces) Playmate of the Year Jo Collins, then tree heiress Janie Weyerhaeuser. On a trip to LA in 1966, I took him surfing at a famous Orange County break called Cotton’s Point (Nixon later bought the Henry Cotton Estate the point was named after and turned it into the Western White House). To show his gratitude, Bo took me clubbing in Hollywood after the game. The details are classified. Here is Bo from that day. He was an ungainly but fearless surfer:
(Ed. Note: Bo Belinsky!)
AJD: Oh, what do you think of that shirt?
CONLIN: Nice enough to get you beat up at Shea…
Continue Reading March 13th, 2008
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who scraped out his eyes with a spoon after watching the Rockets’ 20th consecutive win. Fortunately, the government immediately replaced them with bionic implants, but now they expect him to fight crime. So when he isn’t using his now-better than 20/20 vision to battle the forces of evil, he can be found looking at basketball’s imperfections at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• I didn’t think I could hate my eyes this much. The Houston Rockets beat the Atlanta Hawks 83-75 and thus became one of only three teams - along with the 1970-71 Milwaukee Bucks and 1971-72 Los Angeles Lakers - to win 20 games in a row. I watched this brutal assault on the eyes, and let me tell you: It didn’t feel like a win. It felt like passing a gall stone. The game was played at the speed of paste. But don’t think for one second that means the teams had time to work the ball around for good looks: They both shot 33 percent from the field. After 24 minutes of “basketball,” the score was 33-32. It was 59-57 at the end of the third quarter. Tracy McGrady scored 28 points, Chucky Hayes grabbed 12 rebounds, Rafer Alston had a game-high 7 assists, and the Rockets used a 10-0 run in the final five minutes to establish their manly dominance. Said Houston coach Rick Adelman: “It may be the ugliest thing we’ve done, but it might have been the best one. We did enough to win.” I would like to append “against the Hawks” to the end of that last statement. Speaking of Atlanta, Joe Johnson led them in scoring (28) and Josh Smith led them in rebounding (a career-high 22). Fun fact: Here’s a short list of things that are at least as ugly as this game was: Kevin Costner’s The Postman, the nasty beast thing that Amy Winehouse has become, the Fiat Multipla, this dude, whatever this is, Chris Kaman, celebrities without makeup, and Sam the Dog.
• Mmmm…the Orlando Magic loves appetizers. And that’s pretty much what the Los Angeles Clippers are at this point. Of course, when the Clippers are served to you, there’s always the danger of a really bad aftertaste and maybe a bout of crippling diarrhea. Dwight Howard filled his tummy (22 points, 13 rebounds and - gak! - 7 turnovers), Rashard Lewis bogarted the last of the nachos (19 points and 9 rebounds), and Hedo Turkoglu noshed on some celery and carrots (17 points). The result was a 110-88 victory that left the Magic feeling hungry again, like, 20 minutes later. Fortunately, they get to snack on the Heat and Pacers later this week. Memo to Stan Van Gundy: Stock up on Beano. Corey Maggette led the Clippers with 22 points and a winning, toothy smile.
• Speaking of ugly. Some games should be canceled before they ever happen, and Knicks/Heat is definitely one of them. I mean, haven’t the fans suffered enough? The final score was New York 91, Miami 88, but trust me: There were no winners, only one loser and one bigger loser. Ricky Davis and Mark Blount combined for 35 shot attempts! If that doesn’t cause you physical pain, then you’ve obviously lost all feeling from the hair down. Now, Pat Riley, he cared about this game, and he suddenly cares about his team. “The last three games have all been losses. They’ve been hard-earned losses. People on talk shows ridicule them, call them names, people in the media, and they’re out there busting his tails.” Riles then jumped on a plane, abandoning his team so he could go scout college players. Quote of the night: Bobby Jones, signed by the Heat to a 10-day contract and playing for his fourth team since December 26, said: “One week, I’m in the NBA, staying at the Four Seasons. The next week, I’m in the D-League, sharing a hotel room with another dude.” Sharing a hotel room with another dude. Chilling.
• Yeah, yeah. I know the drill. LeBron James had 42 points, 11 rebounds, and 7 assists as the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Ne…wait, what? New Jersey won?! Whoa. That’s a new one. Richard Jefferson scored 24 points on 8-for-11 shooting, leading six players in double figures and helping the Nets eke out a 104-99 victory. Said Cleveland coach Mike Brown: “They kicked our behind. Right now, we don’t have any answers obviously for that team and it showed tonight, it showed the first two games. They got our number. They kick our behind and until we go and prove different, you’ve got to give them credit. Richard Jefferson, Vince (Carter), they’ve had a field day every time we’ve played them.” Sounds like this team could use a Bluto Blutarsky-style pep talk. Trade update: Ben Wallace, out with back spasms. Delonte West, 5 points (1-for-3), 5 turnovers. Joe Smith, 5 points (2-for-6), 7 rebounds. Wally Szczerbiak, 7 points (3-for-8), 4 rebounds, 5 assists. I’m just gonna let that sink in for a while.
• Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Juggernaut, bitch! (If you’re at all confused about that opening sentence, go here. You’ll be glad you did.) In case you’ve been too busy following the Western Conference Playoff race, then I should probably inform you that the Boston Celtics are looking pretty darn good right now. Last night’s prop was the Seattle SuperSonics. And yeah, it wasn’t even a contest. Paul Pierce had 14 points and 11 assists, Ray Allen went rat-a-tat-tat (18 points, 8-for-11 shooting), and Kevin Garnett added 18 and 6. And none of those guys played more than 25 minutes. Man, it’s good to be a Boston sports fan right now. Uh, except for that whole Super Bowl thing. Kevin Durant’s ROY campaign continued with 16 points, 3 rebounds, an assist, and 4 turnovers. (coughAl Horfordcough!)
• Okay. Is it just me? Or are the Pistons not playing all the well right now? They barely beat the Sonics at home, they got handled in Boston, New York pushed them hard, Chicago made them earn it, and now the Sixers walk into The Palace and beat them 83-82. What is it? What’s wrong? Are they losing focus? Waiting for the playoffs maybe? I mean, yeah, I know Philly has been playing pretty well, but they just got hammered by the Celtics the other day. Gah, I don’t get it. Andre Iguodala took scoring honors (22), Samuel Dalembert and Reggie Evans combined for 26 rebounds, and Rodney Carney chipped in with 16 off the bench in what could be a possible first round playoff preview. ‘Sheed came back from a gimpy left ankle to score 17 points for the Pistons, who also got 14 and 11 from Tony McDyess. Mr. Big Shot scored 15 but missed a big shot at the end of the game that could have won it.
• Yeah, I think they’re for real. I had a long email exchange with a buddy of mine yesterday in which we discussed and debated whether the Hornets were really one of the top teams in the Western Conference. His argument was: “Going 4-0 against the Suns doesn’t make them one of the best teams.” My argument was: “They’ve got the fourth best record in the West and they’ve beaten each of the top nine teams - excluding themselves - at least once. I say that makes them pretty good.” The argument ended with: “Let’s wait until they beat the crap out of a good team.” So…d’you suppose that a 100-75 pounding of the defending champs counts? I think it does. Chris Paul - who should really, really be a bigger factor in the MVP race - had 26 points and 17 assists, and David West returned from a sprained left ankle to score 29 and grab 10 rebounds for New Orleans. The Spurs received a 24-point, 11-rebound magic act from Timmy Duncan, and Tony Parker farted in the Hornets’ general direction with his 24 points. But most of the rest of the Spurs, Manu Ginobili excluded, looked very old, and very lame. Gregg Popovich is praying they can just make it to the playoffs without somebody blowing out a hip.
• All good things must come to an end. And so the Charlotte Bobcats’ franchise-best five-game winning streak was halted by the Dallas Mavericks last night, 118-93. But I’m sure no one in Charlotte will ever forget those five magical games in which the team scored at least 100 points each time. It’s a virtual certainty that no NBA team will ever eclipse the 1971-72 Lakers’ 33-game romp, and it’s almost as certain that no Bobcat team will ever win more than - or as many as - five games in a row. So congratulations, Charlotte. It was a nice run while it lasted. The Mavs got 26 points out of Herr Nowitzki, another 24 out of Josh Howard, and 8 assists from Jason Kidd. The ‘Cats were led by Raymond Felton’s 21 points, and Gerald “Maybe I Really Was The Problem” Wallace returned from a concussion to score 14 points off the bench.
Continue Reading March 13th, 2008
Filed under: Microsoft Xbox 360, Sports
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I’m a big fan of the Super Dodgeball games, and of the Kunio series in general. I played tons of dodgeball on the NES and GBA, and I’ve been watching the development of the DS game with more than enthusiasm. So when I first heard about the Xbox Live Arcade Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball, I was very curious about a non-Technos take on the sport; what would Blazing Lizard do to distinguish their game from what seems like the final word in dodgeball games? Besides filling it full of Internet memes, of course.
Surprisingly, Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball has very little in common with Technos’ masterpiece. Aside from the fact that pudgy characters throw balls at each other, the two games play almost totally differently. They might as well represent two totally different sports.
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Continue reading EIEIO 08: Hands-on with Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball
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