All right, well, the season has supposedly started, though rain on Opening Day has to be some sort of cruel trick from God. So let’s wrap up the last division.
1. Detroit Tigers. We know the pitching is a bit of a mess, but man, we really just can’t get past that lineup.
2. Cleveland Indians. It’s amazing how they became the hot World Series pick right after Gammons started touting them.
3. Kansas City Royals. We always, ALWAYS overrate the Royals. This happens every year. We don’t
4. Chicago White Sox. How old do you think Jose Contreras really is? We’re going with 44.
5. Minnesota Twins. Remember when Joe Mauer was the next face of baseball?
That’s it, we’re done, predictions as always, awful.
The black Perez Hiltons over at Media Take Out unveiled some photos of Shaq and his post-divorce hook-up, who if memory serves me correct, looks alarmingly similar to Shaq’s ex-wife, Shaunie. (It seems Shaq has a thing for cinnamon-colored ladies with Legend of Billie Jean haircuts. )
Unfortunately, the commenters over at Media Take Out appear to be a little down on the gal. Most of the insults are directed toward her allegedly “dark, weed-smoking lips” which are very unbecoming of a woman wrapped in Shaq’s gargantuan embrace. One MTO troller offered this little home remedy tip, so that the next time this lady hits the town, she’ll be much more camera-ready:
she mos def needs some vitimin e oil for those lips. ancient secret for my other bud smokers. vitimin e oil with keep yo lips nice, pink and soft.
I’ve been to two new stadium opening days in my life — Safeco Field and Pac Bell (now AT&T) Park — but I wish I could have made it a third in D.C. on Sunday. There’s nothing like that new-stadium smell; even the restrooms are minty fresh. Following the jump, a few photos from the Nationals’ Opening Day, with guest appearances by our 16th President; a pretzel shaped as the letter W that actually looks like poop; and that mascot I hate more than any other, Screech the Eagle. Although on Sunday the costume was probably occupied by a Secret Service agent.
Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.
Today: The St. Louis Cardinals. Your author is Will Leitch.
Will Leitch is the editor of Deadspin and the author of three books, including God Save The Fan, released by HarperCollins in January. His words are after the jump.
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You know, all told, it’s not all that bad of a time to be a Cardinals fan. Sure, it’s probably gonna be a long year — unless you’re overly persuaded by the fastball stylings of Todd Wellemeyer — but we know that coming in. It’s not like we’re the Giants or anything; we clearly see that the Cardinals need to get younger, so this is a transitional year, purging the Rolens and Edmonds and giving kids like Brendan Ryan, Ryan Ludwick, Brian Barton and, yes, Rick Ankiel a chance. If the Cardinals finish .500, it will be a success, and no one will consider the year an unmitigated disaster of they don’t.
As a sports fan, I tend to only find myself truly passionate when I am attempting to head off failure. (It’s like this in life too; it’s really quite awful.) Don Denkinger in 1985 was awful. Losing to the Giants the year Darryl Kile and Jack Buck died was awful. Being swept by the Red Sox in four games — and having Drew Barrymore and Jimmy freaking Fallon run on our field directly afterwards, like they owned the place or something — that was awful.
This year? Nothing too awful can happen this year. When expectations are low, it’s difficult for the news to be too devastating. Barring an implosion of Albert Pujols’ aorta, nothing can go too wrong this year. We’re looking at positive increments forward, with the inevitable steps back easily shaken off.
Except: The Cubs.
The Cardinals-Cubs rivalry is every bit as storied as the Yankees-Red Sox, but, you know, a little nicer. Neither team’s fans are ever in danger of being throw off the balcony when they show up at the opposing team’s stadium, for example. But do not mistake this for passivity; Cardinals fans and Cubs fans revile each other teams with considerable fervor. May I remind you of my favorite Cubs memory:
October 2003. I was at my apartment in the Inwood neighborhood of Manhattan, listening to Cubs-Marlins Game 6 on the radio because I didn’t have cable. Cubs were up 3-0, bottom of the seventh. My phone rings. It’s my father. I know what he wants.
“Jesus, it looks like they’re really going to do this.”
“I know.”
“I don’t really know what to do with myself now. I don’t know if I’m ready to live in a world where the Cubs have made the World Series.”
“I know.”
Pause.
“Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve been listening to the game on the radio. But you know what? I think I should go downstairs and watch the end. I mean, I’ve hated them for so long, I feel like their history is kind of my history. In a weird way, I feel like I owe to them. I should watch them do this. They’ve earned it, I think.”
“You go ahead. I’m going to bed.
I put on some pants and went to the bar downstairs. The top of the eighth began. I ordered a cool, icy Budweiser, brewed in St. Louis, Missouri, and settled in, ready to begrudgingly salute the enemy.
So yeah: That’s probably my favorite Cubs moment.
I like to consider myself a reasonable nice person, but, jesus, that’s just mean. And that’s what I’m talking about. In a season in which the Cardinals have no real stakes, the only thing that can truly go wrong is the Cubs making/winning the World Series.
As you’ve all heard ad nauseum, this year marks the 100th year since the Cubs last won the World Series. In that time, the Cardinals have won 10 World Series. Obviously, that was not a number any Cardinals fan has to look up. We all take much pride in this number; in my home town of Mattoon, it’s about 65 percent Cardinals fans, 35 percent Cubs fans. We loved to remind that 35 percent of that number repeatedly.
But lo, the Cubs look far superior to the Cards this year — and it hurt my soul just to type that — which means that the only thing that can go wrong in 2008 is the Cubs winning the World Series. Imagine it. Lou Piniella on the cover of Time. The Cubs becoming America’s wild success story (we’re sure Chicagoan Obama, White Sox fan or no, would get some mileage out of it too). And someone would certainly drag poor Steve Bartman out for Matt Lauer too. The Cubs would be everywhere. It would be poetic and wonderful and all we dream of for our great game.
Opening Day remains one of our favorite days on Earth, and, clearly, this Rays coach agrees. Go Rays Go Rays GoRaysGoRaysGoRaysGoRays!
Anyway, kids, baseball is starting, in full force, like, right now. The first two games of the day are Toronto vs. the Yankees and Kansas City visited Detroit. (Easy there, Coach: The Rays don’t play at Camden until 3 p.m. ET.) Our Cardinals are at 4:15 p.m. ET … if it doesn’t freaking rain.
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who thinks you should go rent The Predator again. Immediately. Oh, and he also thinks you should read his stuff at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
So you cooked up a story and dropped the six of us in the meat grindah! Michael Finley’s shooting slump hit a low point last week when he went 0-for-7 against the Dallas Mavericks. Since then he’s gone 31-for-45 (68 percent), including last night’s 22-point, 9-for-13 shooting performance that put the Houston Rockets [Arnie voice] through the meat grindah! [/Arnie voice] What’s his secret? Said Finley: “Last night I made sure I got to bed early. Got up early. My wife cooked me breakfast. I was ready to go.” Huh. Well, that’s pretty simple. I’m going to have to start doing all that when I have pickup league. Although I guess it’ll be hard to get Finley’s wife to cook me breakfast. Anybody have her phone number?
Tony Parker also scored 22 for the Spurs (although I’m guessing he had to cook his wife breakfast and nice vice versa), and Timmy Duncan had a quiet 13-point, 6-rebound game (’cause on the seventh day he rested). Luis “I coulda been a Spur” Scola had 24 points and 7 rebounds for the Rockets, but Houston still got blown away 109-88. The fact that Tracy McGrady scored 13 points on 22 shots might have had a little something to do with that.
That’s a really nasty habit you got there. The Utah Jazz might reach 50 victories, win their division and thus take the fourth seed in the Western Conference playoffs, but they are one seriously bad road team. I’m talking about Smell-O-Vision level badness here. And yesterday’s 110-103 road loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves didn’t help things any. The Jazz were sloppy on offense (17 turnovers) and took a hands-off approach to defense (Minny shot 53 percent). Carlos Boozer had 25 points and 10 rebounds, and Deron Williams added 15 points and 13 assists, but they also combined for 8 turnovers. Meanwhile, All Jefferson (22 points, 8 rebounds) led six Timberwolves in double-figures as Minnesota improved to 2-0 at home against the Jazz this season. Danger Will Robinson: The Denver Nuggets have won five games in a row and are only two games in the loss column behind the Jazz for the division lead.
You’re one ugly motherfucker. I know this game was “important” because the Hawks are trying to hold onto the last playoff spot in the East and all that, but Atlanta’s 114-109 win over the New York Knicks still made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Partly because the dirty birds struggled to put away a bad team at home with a trip to the playoffs at stake, partly because the fact that a 33-win team (currently) making the post-season offends my basketball sensibilities, and partly because this wonderful era of Knicksuckery might very well be coming to an end after, oh, say, the next nine games. Bad times all around.
Joe “Big” Johnson lived up to his bird of prey reputation by scoring 25 points and dishing out 13 assists, Marvin Williams added another 27 points, and Al Horford contributed a sweet 18-point, 13-rebound game that should be used as Exhibit A in the Case of “Maybe Big Al Should Get Some Serious Rookie Of The Year Consideration.” Jamal Crawford gunned his way to 39 points for the Knicks, who also got 17 points and 10 rebounds out of David “Isiah should have gotten a lot more minutes out of me this year” Lee.
Goddamn jackpot! This is more than we ever thought we’d get! The New Orleans Hornets beat the Toronto Raptors 118-111 to win their 50th game of the season and hold on to the top spot in the Western Conference…for today at least. David West, who led the sting swarm with 32 points, said of winning 50: “It’s huge for us. I don’t know if many people expected us to be where we are.” Uh, David, nobody expected you to be where you are. Except maybe your mom, but that’s just how she is. I mean, she said you looked cute in that sailor outfit when you were five years old, yo know? CP-MVP added 20 points and 16 assists and Peja Stojakovic scored 25 points for New Orleans. Chris Bosh (21 points) was one of seven dinos in double-figures, but all that scoring doesn’t do much good when you can’t get a defensive stop (the Hornets shot 60 percent from the field).
I ain’t got time to bleed. Less than 24 hours after dropping a stink bomb in Detroit, King James dropped a Bron Bomb on the Philadelphia 76ers by going off for 26 points (11-for-18), 9 rebounds and 9 assists in the Cavaliers’ 91-88 win. LeBron also hit the go-ahead basket by - prepare to be shocked - cutting through the Philly defense like it was a mild cheddar cheese to hit a layup with 24 seconds left. Man, it would take a flaming moat filled with mutant grizzly bears to keep him out of the paint at the end of a game. Mr. MVP Runner-up To Be got a little backup from Delonte West (18 points, 11 assists) and Joe Smith (13 points, 8 rebounds). Andre Iguodala was the Sixers’ number-one guy (19 points, 5 rebounds, 4 assists) but he missed a three-pointer at the buzzer that would have tied the game. As for Philly, they really lived up to the Rocky analogy I made about them last week, if you consider that Rocky put up a really good fight before losing to Apollo Creed at the end. The only thing missing was that whole “victory of the human spirit” thing.
Come on! I’m here! Do it now! Kill me! The way this season has gone, the kindest thing any team can do is put the Miami Heat out of their misery, and that’s exactly what the Boston Celtics did in their 88-62 victory. Miami shot 28 percent from the field and hit only 17 field goals. For the record, that’s the fewest in a game in the NBA’s shot clock era, beating out the previous record of 18 set by the Chicago Bulls against the Heat on April 10, 1999. Talk about one seriously classic case of one-downsmanship. After the game, Paul Pierce gave the following frank and brutally honest assessment (with an emphasis on the “brutal” part): “Man, I’m going to tell you the truth. They got D-Leaguers out there, so I think we just handled our business.” Leon Powe led Boston in minutes (27), points (17), rebounds (13), and number of juniors included in name (1). Ricky Davis and Chris Quinn paced the Heat with 14 points each.
You set us up. It was bullshit, all of it. That’s my personal message to Clay Bennett, and I’m going to leave it at that. The SuperSonics suffered yet another blowout loss - this time a 120-107 homecourt setback to the Sacramento Kings - to solidify their standing as the worst team in the Western Conference. Yes, worse even than the Clippers, Grizzlies, and Timberwolves. The Sonics are currently 17-57 and they’ve lost 14 of their last 16 games. The team is now officially as depressing as the city’s weather. Quite an accomplishment. The Kings got 31 points out of Kevin martin plus 29 points and 12 rebounds out of the unusually quiet Ron Artest. The Sonics got at least 20 points out of Kevin Durant (25), Jeff Green (21), and Earl Watson (20).
He’s killing us one at a time. And the Dallas Mavericks’ playoff hopes are dying one game at at a time, too. Last night’s 114-104 loss to the Golden State Warriors created a three-way tie for seventh place in the Western Conference because the Mavs, Nuggets, and Warriors are all tied at 45-28. Now, if the playoffs started today - and don’t worry, they don’t - the Warriors wouldn’t get in because they’re 1-2 against Dallas and Denver so far this season. But Golden State will get another shot at both of those teams in their final nine games, and if they win both of those and the three teams finish the season with identical records, the Mavs will be on the outside looking in. You get all that? Yeah, I know, it’s confusing as hell.
Honestly, unless Dirk Nowitzki has a faster healing factor than Wolverine, my money is on the Nuggets and Warriors making it and the Mavericks completing their tragic fall from grace, followed by what I hope will be a complete and total meltdown by Mark Cuban. But enough of my dreams. Monta Ellis was the ultimate warrior with 30 points, Andris Biedrins notched 16 points and 14 rebounds, and Kelenna Azubuike knocked down a couple clutch shots at the end to help hold off the Mavs. Dallas got 36 points out of Josh Howard and another “almost” triple-double out of Jason Kidd (13 points, 9 rebounds, 14 assists).
If it bleeds, we can kill it. The Lakers finally stopped their own bleeding - but barely - with a 126-120 overtime victory over the Washington Wizards. Kobe Bryant (26 points, 13 assists) rediscovered that whole “get your teammates involved” thing and - surprise! - L.A. pulled out a much-needed homecourt victory. Sasha Vujacic added 20 points and Vlad Radmanovic scored 19 in a pretty complete team effort for the Lakers, who had seven players in double-digits. Caron Butler had a triple-double (17/12/12), DeShawn Stevenson and Nick Young each poured in 27, and the Wizards shot 56 percent from three-point range. Too bad the NBA doesn’t hand out awards for moral victories.
President Bush is never more likable, engaging or, frankly, informed as he is when he’s talking about baseball. He lights up, displaying a breadth of knowledge that, uh, we never sense when he’s discussing the Al-Anbar Province. He threw out the first pitch at the new Nationals Stadium last night and was, predictably, booed. We almost — almost — felt bad for him.
We’re not going to get too much into politics here, swear, but honestly, has a guy ever looked more sick of being President than Bush does? Ordinarily, when the President throws out the first pitch on Opening Day, he’ll pop by the booth to chat with the broadcasters for half an inning before being shuffled off to handle, you know, matters of the national interest. Bush talked to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan for an inning-and-a-half last night. And he didn’t look like he was in any particular hurry to leave after that either.
It kind of creeped us out, actually, that Dubya was so well-versed in the world of baseball; he even knew that Jeff Francoeur had been hit in the face with a pitch in spring training. As cool as we might think it is for our President to love the great game so much, we’re still not sure we feel comfortable with the commander-in-chief having that much free time.
The saddest part, really, was when Miller asked President Bush about steroids. The Prez sighed deeply. He knew this question was coming, but dammit, why does everyone have to be so negative all the time? I’m at the ballgame, people. Leave me be. President Bush didn’t want to talk about policy, or being President; he wanted to talk about baseball. This makes him a pretty cool guy … and it makes us extremely happy we only have 10 months until he’s no longer President.
Before we get into all the NCAA Tournament and Opening Day business, we thought we’d start your morning off with Matt Leinart doing his Matt Leinart thing. The Dirty has details of this whole evening, which included Nick Lachey, under-21 ladies and, of course, hot tubs.
Yes: This man is the future of the Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals. Clearly evolving into the team leader we’ve all been waiting for. Sheesh.
The black Perez Hiltons over at Media Take Out unveiled some photos of Shaq and his post-divorce hook-up, who if memory serves me correct, looks alarmingly similar to Shaq’s 
For the third consecutive season, we are proud to introduce the 
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who thinks you should go rent The Predator again. Immediately. Oh, and he also thinks you should read his stuff at 
President Bush is never more likable, engaging or, frankly, informed as he is when he’s talking about baseball. He lights up, displaying a breadth of knowledge that, uh, we never sense when he’s discussing the Al-Anbar Province. He threw out the first pitch at 
