Archive for February 25th, 2008
Continue Reading February 25th, 2008
We’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: The NFL Combine has always creeped us out. Call us old-fashioned, but we just can’t muster the appropriate interest in recruiting and draft prospect stories. We like to see a guy show up on our team and then see how he fits in. We know: We’re a geezer.
This is not to mention, of course, the ongoing gay subtext that goes along with every combine, the spectacle of a bunch of tubby middle-aged men watching 21-year-olds prance around in their underwear. And the gays have noticed. From OutSports:
The [NFL Network], owned by the league, has wall-to-wall coverage of the annual flesh fest known as the NFL Combine, a place where players who hope to be selected in the April draft show what they’ve got for the assembled coaches, scouts and personnel men. And I mean show all almost all they got. The lift weights, run sprints and strip down to their underwear to be weighed and have their body fat percentage measured.
We would like to remind everyone that the NFL Draft Combine is yet another vivid reminder that the NFL does not measure success by heart, or guts, or grit. They measure it, simply, by meat.
The NFL’s Homoerotic Rite [OutSports]
Continue Reading February 25th, 2008
According to Babel Fish, this is the Japanese word for steroids: ステロイド. Wouldn’t it be somewhat hilarious if some jokester printed that on Barry Bonds’ jersey this year? Because that’s where Bonds is likely headed, according to his agent. Jeff Boras, who has been shopping around his client in spring training to no avail, has said that Barry will play in Japan if need be.
“He’s not retiring,” Bonds’ agent, Jeff Borris, told Metro yesterday. “He intends to play somewhere. If a door doesn’t open for Barry in the major leagues, as unbelievable as that possibility sounds, then Japan certainly is an option.”
That possibility becomes more and more believable each day. Hmm, does Barry realize that any home runs he hits over there won’t count here?
And then of course there’s always the Long Beach Armada.
Blackballed Bonds Has Eye On Japan [Metro Times]
Barry Bonds To Play Ball In Japan? [Larry Brown Sports]
Continue Reading February 25th, 2008
For the third consecutive season, we are proud to introduce the Deadspin Baseball Season Previews. Yes, baseball is awfully close now; it’s spring training, after all.
Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.
Today: The Milwaukee Brewers. Your author is Dan Kois.
Dan Kois edits Vulture, New York magazine’s arts and culture blog. He maintains that the Brewers would have won it all last year if they’d only grown a few more mustaches. His words are after the jump.
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What’s going on? Ned Yost here. I’m the manager of the Milwaukee Fucking Brewers. You may remember us as the team that hadn’t made the playoffs for 25 years, and a lot of people thought we would make it last year, but we didn’t. We led the NL Central almost wire to wire, but blew it in the end. Why? Well, there’s a lot of reasons.
The fact is, it’s mostly our fans’ fault that we couldn’t pull the division out. Our team is young, and the fans put a lot of pressure on the players to do things they’re just not capable of doing. For instance, the fans really get on Derrick Turnbow over simple things like ever throwing strikes. As I’ve said before, I wish everyone would just leave the kid alone.
If it isn’t our fans’ fault, it’s definitely Bill Hall’s fault. All I asked that kid to do was switch from the infield to center field, then benched him twice when he was hitting poorly. Then platooned him. Then benched him for a month. You know what I always say: team MVP in 2006? I don’t give two fucks. What have you done for me lately, besides switching positions and playing hurt?
It if isn’t Bill Hall’s fault, it’s definitely the bullpen’s fault. All I did was demand they pitch three or more innings nearly every game, no matter what, and how did they repay me? By blowing a lead dozens of times over the course of the season, and completely falling apart by season’s end.
If it isn’t the bullpen’s fault, it’s definitely the umpires’ fault. They’re the ones who threw me out of games three times in the season’s final week. Oh, and Tony La Russa’s fault. He’s the one who had his pitcher bean Prince Fielder in a critical game, causing me to order a hit on Albert Pujols with us trailing in the eighth inning. How was I supposed to know that the pitcher I put in afterwards, Derrick Turnbow, would be unable to put the ball over the plate? I’d do it again if I had to. I’ll do anything for my players. Anything. Also, Derrick Turnbow is a fucking jerk for not throwing strikes.
At any rate, things look good for this season. We made some big-deal free agent signings — Mike Cameron and Eric Gagne. Sure, Cameron is missing the first 25 games of the season for popping greenies, and Gagne’s inclusion in the Mitchell Report explains why he has kind of sucked the past few years. We also traded our starting catcher for Guillermo Mota, who pitched terribly for the Mets last season once he finished his 50-game suspension for substance abuse. But I’m pleased with all three guys, and I’ll tell you why. We need some fucking tough guys on this team, and I when I think tough guys, I think drug abusers. Who was better than Paul Molitor on those early-80s Brewers teams I used to play on? Nobody, and that muhfucker was higher than a kite every day he took the field!
It’s clear that the fans and the management in Milwaukee have my back this year. Hardly anyone wrote articles blaming me for our collapse last year. The general manager gave me a vote of confidence by hiring Ted Simmons, a more experienced version of me — in fact, the guy who taught me everything I know — to be bench coach. And I’ve got a steady stock of Robert E. Lee quotes to get me through the season. The fact is, our bullpen could blow a hundred games this year and we’d still win the division. We still have math on our side.
Continue Reading February 25th, 2008
We will always hold a special place in our hearts for the four most prominent participants in the Vikings’ sex boat scandal from a few years ago: Daunte Culpepper, Fred Smoot, Moe Williams and, today’s featured star, Bryant McKinnie. Those guys have us so much enjoyment that we remain honored to have them enshrined in our Hall Of Fame.
Anyway, it appears Mr. McKinnie has himself in a little bit of trouble again. He was out brawlin’ in Miami. That’s where that happens.
Miami Police found McKinnie “in the middle of a large crowd, throwing punches and again yelling obscenities,” according to the police report. Police told McKinnie to stop. He refused and boarded a bus. The bus driver was ordered not to drive away.
We love the idea of an escape bus. Beats a boat, one supposes.
By the way, just because it still makes us giggle, here’s McKinnie’s section of the sex boat police report:
McKinnie is witnessed] pick up a naked woman, place her on the bar in the lounge and commence to perform oral sex on her. … At a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males receiving oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat.
Ah, 2005 …
Vikings’ McKinnie Arrested In Miami [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]
Continue Reading February 25th, 2008
Some awesome pictures of beaten-up old baseballs. [Design Observer]
Continue Reading February 25th, 2008
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who blah, blah, blah-diddy-blah. Who cares, right? When he’s not forcing you to read useless factoids about himself, he’s doing it to a completely different set of readers at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• Shaq has done the impossible. In only three short games, The Big Houdini has magically transformed the 2007-08 Phoenix Suns into…the 2007-08 Miami Heat. Less than 48 hours after scoring 85 points against the Celtics, the Suns - whose previously beautiful and free-flowing offense had been averaging about 110 PPG - scored only 86 in a 30-point home loss to the Detroit Pistons. “It’s embarrassing, it’s disappointing, it’s everything,” said a very depressed Steve Nash. “Why couldn’t we have had a Devean George to block this tra…I mean, it’s no big deal. We’ll get it together. We just need more practice. And, you know, a miracle.” The Pistons led by 11 points after one quarter and pushed the lead to a whole lot before settling for a 116-86 victory. Rasheed Wallace showed up to work and punched the Suns clock with 22 points (8-for-10) and 8 rebounds. Amare Stoudemire had 31 points for Phoenix, but he got mandangled on the boards (he had only 3).
• The trade worked! It worked! Holy cow, the trade worked! The Cleveland Cavaliers introduced their four new players last night - Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, Joe Smith and Delonte West - and the result was a 109-89 win over the Washington Generals Memphis Grizzlies. After the game, LeBron James, who led the Cavs with 25 points and 11 assists, was irrationally excited. With an emphasis on the “irrationally” part. “It was good to see all those guys play well,” James said. “It was exciting to be on the floor with them.” One can only assume that Bron Bron was either exaggerating or, uhm, exaggerating? I mean, I remember him pleading for Danny Ferry to go get Jason Kidd, but I don’t recall seeing names like “Wallace” and “Szczerbiak” on his mid-season wish list. But whatever. Wallace had a season-high 12 points and also shot what I’m guessing is a season-high 50 percent from the foul line (2-for-4) to go along with 10 rebounds. Szczerbiak shot slightly better than Larry Hughes (4-for-10). West played like a vintage Eric Snow (5 points, 2-for-12 shooting). And Joe Smith was actually pretty good for an old dude (14 points, 6-for-8, 6 rebounds). Not a bad start, but I’m going to go ahead and reserve judgement until the Cavs play somebody other than the Griz.
• Turn that frown upside down, Boston! After falling behind 32-16 at the end of the first quarter, it looked like the Celtics were headed to a fourth straight embarrassing loss on their West Coast road trip. But then Paul Pierce tapped into his inner Will Smith and said, “Aw, hell no!” The Truth went rat-a-tat-tat on his way to 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 5 assists in the Celtics’ 112-102 win over the Portland Trail Blazers. “Last game, the way I played was one of my top-five worst games of my career,” said Pierce, who probably needs to head over to basketball-reference.com and check his old game logs before making crazy statements like that. “I wanted to come out and focus better, and shots were there and I was able to knock them down.” He knocked them down, all right (12-for-14), and so did the rest of the Celtics (58 percent shooting as a team). The Blazers? Not so much. But that might be because All-Star Brandon Roy left the game after the third quarter because he aggravated a right ankle sprain.
• Yep, that’s why they traded for him. It looks like Jason Kidd has more or less adjusted to his new team. Kidd dished out a season-high 17 assists as the Mavericks notched a 99-83 win over the Washington Generals Minnesota Timberwolves. I’m telling you, Kidd is like spandex: He can make any ass look a little bit better. Case in point, Kidd hit Erick Dampier with a couple snazzy touch-passes inside, including one while he was falling out of bounds that led to a Dampier dunk. Man, I didn’t even know Dampier could dunk anymore. Kidd’s presence is also making life a lot easier on Dirk Nowitzki, who scored a game-high 29 points on 10-for-15 shooting. But before y’all down in Texas get too excited, remember that they were only playing the Timberwolves. Let’s not classify them as world beaters just yet.
• Whatcha gonna do when Andrea Bargnani runs wild on you?! Lose by 23 points, apparently, if you’re the Knicks. The Italian Stallion beat Team Dysfunction like a side of raw beef by scoring 25 points and hitting a career-high five three-pointers. “I tried to be more aggressive from the beginning,” said Bargnani. Fun fact: 100 percent of all NBA victories are accomplished by being “more aggressive.” That’s science. On the other end of the spectrum, Zach Randolph played, well, more like Andrea Bargnani usually plays by scoring only 7 points on 2-for-13 shooting. “It’s frustrating,” Randolph said. “I couldn’t buy a shot today.” Fun fact number two: A “twin towers” composed of two soft, defenseless seven-footers looks much better on paper than it does in action.
• Surprisingly enough, Larry Hughes was not the answer. Not against the Rockets, anyway, who beat the Bulls 110-97. Houston won their 12th straight game - and the 16th of their last 17 - behind Tracy McGrady’s 24 points and 8 assists. Chicago kept the game close through three quarters, but honestly, did you really expect them to bring Houston’s rocketship back down to earth? Ben Gordon sure didn’t. “We’ve got new guys in and there wasn’t much chemistry,” said Gordon, who had 5 points on 2-for-11 shooting. “Of course, we had old guys in and there wasn’t much chemistry then, either. Oh man, we are so screwed.”
• When a blowout just isn’t enough. Kobe Bryant is a fiery competitor who only wants to win…by 100. With his Lakers clinging desperately to a 31-point lead, Black Mamba flipped out after not getting a call while fighting for an offensive rebound. Referee Brian Forte hit Bryant with a technical and then ran away as fast as humanly possible - for an NBA official, anyway. But much like serial killer Jason Voorhees, Kobe stalked downcourt to unleash a little more righteous indignation, which amazingly enough didn’t convince Forte to change the original call or the first technical. Crazy, huh? Nope, it was technical foul number two and an early trip to the showers for the Kobester. Even without their leader, the Lakers managed to hold on for a dramatic 111-91 win over the 15-win Seattle SuperSonics. Phil Jackson, of course, couldn’t resist making a totally lame jab at the the official. “I told [Kobe], ‘You shouldn’t jump on junior. His dad might carry a grudge against you,’” Jackson said, referring to veteran official Joe Forte, Brian’s father. Note that Deadspin is in no way responsible if Jackson’s little witticism caused your funny bone to blow the hell up. Mickael Gelabale, whose name is composed of eight consonants and seven vowels, led Seattle with 21 points.
Continue Reading February 25th, 2008
Filed under: Culture, Nintendo Wii, Sports, Video
There was no saucy saunter down the red carpet, but Nintendo’s casual darling Wii Sports did manage to surprise gamers with a guest-spot at the 2008 Academy Awards. In one of the night’s many gags, host Jon Stewart gets caught off guard when the show returns from commercial break, to find him using one of the event’s gigantic projection screens to play a quick round of Wii Tennis.
The entire segment lasts only thirty seconds, but it’s chuckle-worthy, to be sure. Check out the video after the break.
[Thanks to everyone who sent this in]
Continue reading Wii Tennis makes surprise appearance at the Oscars
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