Continue Reading February 22nd, 2008
Finally, Barry Bonds has discovered an airtight defense for his upcoming trial on perjury and obstruction of justice charges. Typos! Yep, Bonds’ lawyers on Thursday contended that, because the government filed court papers on their client that had at least two typos, that Barry should walk free. Hey, it’s San Francisco; the region that gave the world The Twinkie Defense.
The typographical errors showed up in a recent filing by prosecutors wrongly accusing Bonds of flunking a drug test in 2001. They later admitted they instead meant 2000. Baseball’s home run king has pleaded not guilty to perjury and obstruction of justice charges alleging he lied when he told a federal grand jury he never knowingly used performance-enhancing drugs. He is asking a judge to dismiss the case, arguing the questions posed to him while under oath were ambiguous and confusing. In a filing last week opposing Bonds’ motion for dismissal, prosecutors twice referred to a drug test he failed in November 2001. They later said they meant to reference a November 2000 drug test that had previously been mentioned in the indictment.
JURY FOREMAN: “Your honor, we the jury find in accordance to the indictment that the accused, Barry Lamar Bonds, is galty … uh, I mean guilty! Damn!”
JUDGE: “Case dismissed! Mr. Bonds is free to go!”
It baffles me as to why no team would want want to sign Bonds. Who wouldn’t want to take on this horse and pony show? It’s the Typo Defense, folks!
As for the photo here, I found it while rooting around over at the blog Terrence Says. He says it’s real. The cat Barry is a bad mutha … shut yo mouth!
Bonds Seizes On Government Typos [SFGate]
Careful Of Those Governmental Typos [Deadspin]
Continue Reading February 22nd, 2008
For the third consecutive season, we are proud to introduce the Deadspin Baseball Season Previews. Yes, baseball is awfully close now; it’s spring training, after all.
Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.
Today: The Toronto Blue Jays. Your author is Neate Sager.
Neate Sager is Canadian and a big fan of beer barons at Out Of Left Field. His words are after the jump.His words are after the jump.
———————————-
How novel — the duty of writing the Jays preview has been offered to an actual Jays fan.
Will, are you absolutely sure there isn’t a Red Sox fan who can better tell Deadspinners all about my team? How about a Tigers fan? Please don’t take that as typical Canadian false modesty. It’s just seems best to check and make sure that Boston and Detroit fans did get first crack at it, since that’s what the Jays owners would want. Sorry about that, eh.
Long story short, news got out recently that Rogers Communications - the rat bastards who own the only team I ever grace with the editorial “we” - offered tickets for some early-season games to fans in Boston and Detroit before they went on sale in Canada. This slap in the face amounted to club president Paul Godfrey taking time out from his busy schedule of presumably getting his suckhole beard trimmed and popping a Viagra before he watches Fox News to say, “I’m Paul Godfrey. Go fuck yourself, Toronto.”
It’s a little hard to accept that the Jays would cozy up to a bunch of louts who lack the couth to handle our beer or treat the talent at the Canadian ballet with proper dignity. Bear in mind, a man who didn’t have all of his unresolved childhood issues mixed up with the Jays’ fortunes would be better able to laugh this off.
Sorry, but getting angry about this gets in the way of how the Blue Jays are best enjoyed. For the most part, following the Jays is the closest this Ontario country boy will ever get to a state of Zen. Staking so much in a team which finishes third in the AL East behind the Red Sox and Yankees every year goes a long way toward that whole mindful acceptance of the present thing.
It’s like this: Every February, the Jays open spring training down in Dunedin, Fla. The Canadian sports networks and newspapers start putting together their little preseason analysis pieces. Inevitably, they declare the playoffs are a long shot for the Jays - and I have to laugh like hell.
Come October, after the Jays are done after winning their 83 games, the playoffs start. A couple National League teams that the Jays would use to roll the infield with get a chance at playing in the World Series. Some place like Denver ends up looking like Lame City for having a packed ballpark full of October-only fans after having 20,000 empty seats all summer - and I have to laugh like hell.
Why? It’s because any true Jays fan has moved on from that shit. The MLB Playoffs on Fox doesn’t need a Canadian team to get ratings and our Canadian team’s followers don’t need the MLB Playoffs on Fox. Look at it this way. The whole history of baseball is a history of money. The Jays play in the same damn division as the Red Sox and Yankees, enough said. Their revenues are what they are. Aside from the NFL, Canadians only watch sports that rest of the world barely plays, since we’re sure to kick ass in those (that goes for hockey, curling and about a third of the Winter Olympics). Rogers, which in fairness, would have to do a lot worse to be as bad as Toronto’s other corporate sports owner, will only increase payroll enough to make it look like they care about winning. Do you see what we’re dealing with up here?
That means having to compromise. Let the other dumb bastards miss the point by acting like the playoffs is the be-all, end-all. If it happens, it happens. Right now, knowing there’s another slightly above average Blue Jays team taking shape down in the Florida sun is just enough to get through the last weeks of the Canadian winter.
Who knows, maybe the Jays can squeak into the playoffs with pitching and defence, supported by hitting that can’t be as bad as it was in 2007. Roy Halladay, Dustin McGowan and A.J. Burnett will pitch some dominant games. Alex Rios, the 27-year-old rightfielder whom female fans and fantasy baseball geeks adore equally, finally has some man-muscles and seems set for a breakout year. Backup shortstop John McDonald, aka McGlovin, will continue to inspire man-crushes across Southern Ontario among fans who are able to overlook his .279 on-base percentage.
We’ll be in the seats downing beers and cheering on Matt Stairs as he pushes his stubby 40-year-old legs around first base on his way to another double. You get the drift? Following the Jays is all about living for the moments you get while rocking a powder-blue throwback jersey until they’re mathematically eliminated sometime in September - and that’s why the team’s owners are garbage for not believing that’s enough.
They’ll probably finish third again, but I won’t lose any hair over it I wasn’t set to lose already. A semi-halfway honest effort for 162 games and not capitulating meekly to the Massholes is all it takes. When it’s over, there will always be our stronger beer, the Canadian ballet and deux-deux-deuxs over the counter. It’s great to be not that young and a Jays fan.
Continue Reading February 22nd, 2008
Because we attended school (occasionally) at the University of Illinois, most of our old friends are fans of the Chicago Bulls, and it’s difficult to overstate how excited they were when they initially signed Ben Wallace. It felt vindicating, the reward for waiting for the first post-Jordan star. That didn’t work out quite the way they had hoped. And now it’s over.
Now Wallace is part of the “save LeBron’s sanity” experiment in Cleveland, and the Bulls have Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden to show for it. Alas.
This is how it works in the NBA, we suppose. Shaq, Jason Kidd and Ben Wallace is exhausted and exhausting in Miami, New Jersey and Chicago; they’re flipped to become saviors in Phoenix, Dallas and Cleveland. If you’re not sure how you feel about an aging superstar … just wait.
Continue Reading February 22nd, 2008
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who really wishes that TNT didn’t schedule the Thursday night games so far in advance. When not falling asleep during Heat/Rockets games, he can be found blowing off steam at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• Flame on! After watching Manu Ginobili score 44 points and hit the game-winning jumper from the top of the key with 6.2 seconds left to beat the Timberwolves 100-99, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich was so excited he could barely yawn. “Manu is a top caliber player. He’s been on fire for a while now.” Well, domo arigato, Mr. Robo-vich. I guess winning four championships in nine years has kind of desensitized him to last-second regular season wins against crappy teams. It makes you wonder whether anything excites the guy anymore. Can you imagine him trying to coax a little somethin’ somethin’ out of his wife? “You are a top caliber wife. You have been very sexy for a while now.” Okay, thinking about Popovich having sex just took me to a very disturbing mental place. [/shudders] Okay. Anyway, Ginobili was kind enough to diagram the game-winning play for anybody who isn’t familiar with his moves. “I always like to get to the rim, but [Randy] Foye took over my left pretty good and my counter move is always step back right.” Take note, NBA defenders. Tim Duncan contributed 24 points and 14 rebounds for the Spurs, who recently got even older - and I didn’t think that was possible - by acquiring Kurt Thomas.
• And how exactly is a 9-42 team supposed to play? Watching the Heat play the Rockets was decidedly not fun, but even less enjoyable was listening to TNT announcers Dick Stockton, Mike Fratello, and Reggie Miller try desperately to sell the lousy game to their national audience.
“The Heat have cut the lead to 14! They’re very much in this one! They sure aren’t playing like a 9-41 team!” I was half expecting Mike Fratello to start begging, or maybe for Reggie Miller to promise a signed copy of I Love Being The Enemy to everybody who managed to sit through - and stay awake for - the entire game. The Heat got outscored 41-26 in the first quarter and were down by double digits for most of the game before eventually succumbing to a 112-100 loss, their 10th straight defeat. Said Shawn Marion: “We dug a hole that was too deep and it is hard to come back. We had to exert so much energy in the comeback and we ran out of gas.” Welcome to Miami, Shawn! Meanwhile, the Rockets described their 10th straight win as “bittersweet” due to the trades that sent locker room cancer Bonzi Wells and Mike James to New Orleans for Bobby Jackson and Kirk Snyder to Minnesota for Gerald Green. “We’ve lost a couple guys that were well-liked around here,” said Rafer Alston. “But hey, that means more shots for me, right? So it’s all good.” Tracy McGrady scored 23 points and 10 assists for Houston, who also got 21 points and 9 rebounds out of Ming the Merciless. Dwyane Wade, who just really wishes the season would end already, had 33 points and 11 assists for Miami.
• This was not what the schedule makers had in mind. Several months ago, it looked like this game was going to be a battle between the two leading Rookie of the Year candidates. Instead, it was former ROY Brandon Roy showing Kevin Durant how it’s done by going for 19 points, 5 assists, and a career-high 14 rebounds to help the Trail Blazers end their five-game losing streak with a 92-88 win over the SuperSonics. LeMarcus Aldridge helped the Blazer cause by dumping in 18 and 12, while the Sonics got 20 points out of Durant and a near triple-double out of Earl Watson (15 points, 8 rebounds, 9 assists). Said Seattle coach P.J. Carlesimo: “Our guys played really hard and really well, but just not hard enough.” I think he should just issue that statement every game.
• 1, 2, 3…pass the trash! Part of me wants to say, “I can’t believe the Bulls tricked the Cavaliers into taking on Ben Wallace’s contract.” The other part of me wants to say, “I can’t believe Chicago agreed to take Larry Hughes out of the Cleveland chum bucket.” But if you think about it, the Cavs get a defensive big man with championship experience. Who cares if he’s aging so fast he might be a pile of dust come playoff time? And the Bullies get a volume-shooter who’s hitting 37 percent from the field this season. But, you know, at least he’s taller than Ben Gordan.
