With all the mess of this steroid Congress business (hopefully) behind us, perhaps we look to the land of happy: Pitchers and catchers reported today!
Well, for a few teams anyway, including the Cubs, Orioles, Phillies, Mariners and Giants, they showed up. We’re sure every single person there desperately flushed their HGH stash right before reporting — why WOULDN’T we think that? You have left us no choice! — but that’s fine: It’s still pretty, with sunshine, and people playing catch. Welcome back. You can’t get here fast enough.
Who knows what one can take from the ridiculousness on display in the Clemens testimony today? As we suspected, no one comes out looking good, and we didn’t really learn anything either. One guy’s lying, one guy isn’t, we have a pretty solid idea which is which, and it ultimately doesn’t really matter. Roger Clemens’ name is going to be connected to steroids forever; it’ll be the reason he might not make it to the Hall of Fame (though we bet he sneaks in), and it will certainly be in his obituary. That was the case before today, and it’s the case now.
That’s not to say we couldn’t all take considerable enjoyment out of the whole thing. Yahoo has a compendium of enjoyable one-liners, including the soon-to-be-classic “Those little band-aids for his butt, if it bled.”
The real fun to be had, though, is from the political pundit folk, who actually watch C-SPAN all the time. They’ve gleefully awarded Clemens the Best Testimonial Trainwreck award for 2008. They call out this great pretzel quote, about Andy Pettitte:
“Once again, Mr. Congressman, I think [Pettitte] misremembers the conversation that we had. Andy and I’s relationship was close enough to know that if I would have known that he had done HGH, which I now know, if he was knowingly knowing that I had taken HGH, we would have talked about the subject. He’d have come to me to ask me about the effects of it.”
So, when’s that old-people-on-HGH television show coming out? We’re in.
With all this other steroid business going on today, we feel obliged to point out that John Rocker is not going to just be ignored. He’s hoppin’ mad about the “irresponsible dolts of the media.”
What I will attempt to do now is cut through the mind-numbing, irrelevant fluff the media loves to fill their airtime and articles with and give you the simple facts that I know and believe to be true, as I have lived them and can explain them much better than some pen jockey who has never spoken to me personally and lives 3000 miles away. Here are the facts using the simplest terms with the most convenient definitions:
Rocker is, in fact, quite simple in his explanations, we’ll give him that. And he picked a good day to draw all the attention to him on the matters of steroids. Nothing else going on steroid-wise today, nope.
Normally, we wouldn’t care too much about NERF N-Strike on the Wii, one of many titles in development following EA and Hasbro’s lucrative partnership. But our ears definitely perked up when we heard that the title will ship with a specially designed blaster controller, which will perform double-duty as a standard Wii gun peripheral, and as a functional, dart-firing NERF gun.
Shacknews provides an image of the sweet blaster, seen above. According to EA’s press release, the game will feature single and multiplayer gameplay focused around “NERF mayhem.” Honestly, we’re expecting a run-of-the-mill Wii mini-game shooting title, but we’re probably going to buy it anyway. After all, this run-of-the-mill Wii game comes with a NERF gun.
Mr. Mortensen, ESPN’s NFL reporter who isn’t a cranky old coot, has been on the air less and less in recent years. We always enjoyed him bickering with Bill Parcells, back when they were on NFL Countdown together. Mr. Mortensen certainly receives some credit for siring an actual, real live football player, and for being a former military man.
That is to say: He could definitely beat up Jim Gray.
Anyway, do you like the Chris Mortensen? Do you not like the Chris Mortensen? Let us know.
And by that, we mean, “Vote,” because it’s February, and it’s a slow sports month.
So, here’s pretty much what you’ve missed in the Roger Clemens testimony so far:
• Clemens said the conversation in which Andy Pettitte claims Clemens admitted to steroid use was actually about “a TV show in which three older people said they’d used HGH and improved their quality of life.” Oh, so like Cocoon?
• Rep. Elijah Cummings pretty much accusing Clemens of lying about everything.
• Clemens claiming his wife did HGH (for her SI photo shoot), but not him. Which is nice, and should go over well.
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who thinks most people are bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. When he’s not busy hating the whole goddamn world, he can be found discussing the best of the worst of professional basketball at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• Sweetheart, I find it amusing that you think you’re so much as a blip on my radar. The Celtics traveled to Conseco Field House to put their three-game winning streak up against the Pacers’ back-to-back wins. A battle of two hot teams, right? No, not really. The Pacers hung around - they’re pesky like that - but eventually succumbed to the inevitable 104-97 loss. Mr. The Truth went off for 28 points and 12 boards, and Rajon “People Better Stop Comparing Me To Matt Maloney” Rondo had 12 points, 7 rebounds, and 7 assists. The Pacers got 18 points out of Danny Granger and a smattering of points and stuff from a bunch of other losers I couldn’t care less about. Crappy “Franchise Player” update: Jermaine “The Drain” O’Neal missed his 12th straight game with a bad case of not wanting to play.
• Did you feel that you weren’t quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you were annoying enough. In fact, you’re the number one contender for the Middle Weight Annoyance crown. After going 0-for-8 through three quarters, Chauncy Billups scored 12 points on 5-for-8 shooting in the fourth, and the Pistons rallied for a 94-90 win over the Atlanta Hawks. And now he’s “Mr. Big Shot” again. “You know me man, you know me,” Billups said. “Late in games, if I have an opportunity, I’m going to take advantage of that, whether I’m hot or not. I always feel like that fourth quarter is a different game.” Yeah. I think this is as good a time as any to remind everybody that Billups came up several big shots short in consecutive playoff flops against the Heat and Cavaliers. I’m not sure “Meaningless Regular Season Game Against Sub-.500 Team” really belongs on anybody’s Big Shot resume. But maybe that’s just me. Anyway, Rasheed Wallace carried Detroit for most of the game, scoring 21 points and nabbing 5 steals before fouling out. Josh Smith had 30 points for the dirty birds, while Al Horford grabbed 16 rebounds.
• Oh my God. I care so little I almost passed out! A mid-winter night’s game between the Nets and Timberwolves in which the Player of the Game was Bostjan Nachbar…well, what can I say? Other than I’m about to set a new distance record for projectile vomiting. Vince Cater barely cared his way to 17 points and 10 assists, and Jason “There’s still time to trade me!” Kidd just missed his 100th career triple double with 9 points, 10 rebounds, and 9 assists. Sebastian Telfair was the Timberwolves’ top performer with 27 points and 7 assists.
• It smells like that odd combo of flopsweat, hopelessness, and feet. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007-08 Miami Heat! The firestarters got 29 points and 10 assists - both game highs - from Dwyane Wade, 23 points and 18 rebounds from Shawn Marion, 19 points from Dorell Wright, and 18 points and 13 boards from Mark Blount. And they still didn’t win. That’s eight straight losses, and 23 defeats in 24 sad tries. You know, if you’re still counting. The star of Denver’s 114-113 win was J.R. Smith, who hit a career-best eight threes and netted 28 points. He also had a little help from his friends: Kenyon Martin scored 24, Carmelo Anthony added 22, and Marcus Camby did a little heavylifting with 16 rebounds and 7 blocked shots. Before the game, Wade told the Miami crowd, “I know it’s been a tough year, but it won’t last forever.” But then Pookie missed a shot at the end of overtime that would have won the game. “Okay, then,” said Wade. “Maybe it really will last forever.”
• Oh sweet Jesus. I’m gagging and vomiting at the same time. I’m…I’m gavomiting! So much for Sacramento’s big playoff push, huh? The Kings suffered a 107-94 setback to the Paul Gasol-less Grizzlies. Yes, the same team that has to play Jason Collins, Brian Cardinal, and Kwame Brown all in the same game. What’s more, they got blitzkrieged by a career night from Hakim Warrick, who freaking exploded for 24 points and 13 rebounds. The Kings got 33 points out of Kevin Martin, 10 points and 13 rebounds out of Brad Miller, and I’m pretty sure Ron Artest actually skinned and ate a man during halftime, but none of that could prevent a loss to the league’s new worst team.
• If someone had asked me this morning “Is there any way that I could have less respect for you geniuses?” I would have said, “No! No, that’s not possible!” But, lo and behold, you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I’m…I’m fresh out of blue ribbons, so instead you’re gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass! Now go home. You’re not fit to work tonight. Ben Gordon and Luol Deng still aren’t playing. John Paxson missed out on trading for Kevin Garnett and (possibly) Kobe Bryant, fed Scott Skiles to the sharks, and then watched the Lakers land Pau Gasol for practically nothing. And now Ben “Giant Crippling Contract” Wallace shows up late to pregame warmups. I’d say the Bulls were rapidly approaching “blow it the hell up” mode, but none of the players that could have helped them, and whom they possibly could have gotten, are available anymore. With that as the backdrop, the Bulls fell on their faces at home - again - and lost 100-86 to the Hornets. Chris Paul returned to his first-half-of-the-season MVP form by going for 25 points and 15 assists. David West and Peja Stojakovic gave the buzzing bee-like things 27 a piece, and former Bull Tyson Chandler had 16 rebounds and 3 blocked shots. Andres Nocioni led the Bulls with 28 points and a handful of floor burns.
With all this other steroid business going on today, we feel obliged to point out that John Rocker is not going to just be ignored. He’s hoppin’ mad about the “irresponsible dolts of the media.”
Mr. Mortensen, ESPN’s NFL reporter who 
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who thinks most people are bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. When he’s not busy hating the whole goddamn world, he can be found discussing the best of the worst of professional basketball at 