Archive for February 5th, 2008
Continue Reading February 5th, 2008
So here’s a noble endeavor. Presumably inspired by the great Baseball Prospectus, it’s The Heckler’s Prospectus, which is a player-by-player guide for fans to help with ammunition on how to boo opposing players.
They start off with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
Figgins, Chone - Evidently pronounced “Shawn”, Figgins’ first name is a glory to behold. Rhyming it with “cone” (as it should be, since this is America, goddamnit!) is a good start, but getting a little creative with it can’t hurt. How about “che-hone-ay”? Or perhaps “see honey”, but in the tone of an effeminate pimp.
Kendrick, Howie - Any “Howie” heckles begin and end with references to the great Howie Mandel and his well-publicized bout with OCD. As such, make sure to wear plastic gloves when taunting. Also, if you remove the “r” from his last name (maybe sending it over to Casey one entry down) it spells “Kendick”. That’s pretty funny.
They’ll be going team by team. We have an instant bookmark.
The Heckler’s Prospectus
Continue Reading February 5th, 2008
Every two weeks, the gents at Free Darko will be taking a look at the deranged ecosystem that is the National Basketball Association in their own indelible fashion. Here’s this week’s entry, from Bethlehem Shoals.
Enjoy.
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Kobe Bryant and Kevin Garnett have a lot in common. Both were drafted right out of high school. Both are almost pathologically competitive. And both have the kind of star quality that makes a silly little ball game actually seem weighty. You could look into their eyes and feel your own existence dwindle by comparison.
But oh, the differences. Garnett has no ring; Kobe’s got three. If you asked two-hundred NBA fans who they’d most like to see get themselves a championship, most of them would answer KG. Bryant, on the other hand, must constantly face questions as to whether or not he actually deserves his three-peat, or if they belong mostly to Shaq. Garnett is unflinchingly honest, so real it scalds. He inspires profound feelings of respect and adulation; yours truly would gladly follow him into the mouth of a live volcano. Kobe? Introspective, guarded, and makes even those who worship him a little uncomfortable.
Going into this season, both were at a crucial junctures in their careers. Garnett teamed with Pierce and Allen in Beantown so he might not die ring-less. Kobe, now in his prime as a player, needed another of his own to inject himself back into the G.O.A.T. discussion. This season, Andrew Bynum came into his own, giving Bryant an exceptional big man to work with. And with this week’s acquisition of Pau Gasol, the Lakers now have the talent to take a solid shot at the ultimate prize.
However, a trade isn’t only about whether or not a franchise takes flight. Trades transform teams and jumpstart legacies, but they also change the meanings of those involved.
That’s why it’s with great pain and a heavy heart that I admit: The Celtics have diminished Garnett in my eyes. Not as a player, or a warrior, or anything real like that. I mean that when I watch him, there’s no aura, none of that mystique that makes me want to howl at the moon. One time a few years back, I saw this Inside Stuff segment where KG took an at-risk youth on a London vacation for the hell of it. It stayed with me for months.
Now, Garnett’s just a fiery veteran on a very good team. I no longer feel like he’s got the power to make the world end, or at least lives each second like the end is near. He’s been normalized, and frankly, that’s not the stuff myths are made of. He’s gone from a regional god, the identity of a franchise whose very font seemed ripped from their star’s consciousness, to a professional athlete capable of moving on.
It doesn’t help that I hate the city of Boston, the Irish, kelly-green, Tommy Heinsohn, and most every Celtic ever (no, Len Bias doesn’t count as one). I wanted badly to feel that KG and crew were pimping this noble city, which would’ve given me no small amount of satisfaction. And yet here we are, nearing the halfway mark, and when I look at Garnett, I see a Celtic. He’s embraced a lot of things that I–and plenty of others who once fed off of his energy–can’t stand. Kevin Garnett may well get his title this season, but he’d be just as stoked about restoring the Celtics to glory. And that bums me out. While “sell-out” is a little strong, KG’s now the company man.
Conversely, with this Gasol trade, Bryant suddenly finds himself on one of the West’s premier buzz teams–and likely, one of its more fashionable postseason picks. Overnight, the Lakers went from “winning with Kobe” to “&(A*S()U)DHJWOIQHD%#^%@HWQ”. Shanoff quoted me as saying that the Lakers are the new Suns, a team of exciting, bizarre players thrown together to achieve a dream. It’s just as likely that they’re the new Anthony/Iverson Nuggets, whose reputations preceded them coming together. Either way, they’ll be must-see in a way the Celtics can only dream of.
Since Shaq’s departure, the Lakers have been Kobe, dull and dull. Even Lamar Odom’s been reduced to only intermittent breakthroughs. Best case, this dulled Bryant’s luster; worst case, he was somewhat to blame. But then, with Bynum’s emergence as one of the league’s most exciting young bigs, already Kobe seemed less rote. Bringing in Gasol, who is harder than people think and can pass more than anyone knows, allows Odom to move to his natural three. All of sudden, this is one of the most intriguing front-courts known to man, plus Kobe Bryant.
I have no idea how good this team will be. But I also have zero idea what these players will look like together, or how it could be any less than enthralling. Garnett willed himself into a new situation; Bryant’s team finally got him a vet, without giving up the future star they’d been reluctant to give up. Now, for the first time in years, we can truly say that Kobe Bryant is novel, unpredictable and part of a real basketball madhouse. This trade’s instantly helped Kobe’s championship chances, but it’s also made him relevant in a way he wasn’t before, and that KG always was.
If the Celtics and Lakers do somehow meet in the Finals, everyone will harp on history repeating itself. But they’ll be missing the real story: That Garnett got there by giving up his revolutionary stripes, while Kobe got over being a “student of the game” and ended up joining the fun house. Two different paths to the top, and not the ones anyone would’ve predicted.
Continue Reading February 5th, 2008
By now, you’ve probably seen it, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t point it out anyway: Here’s Don Mattingly’s wife who was causing all the trouble over the weekend.
Mugshots are notoriously unflattering, but … heavens.
Continue Reading February 5th, 2008
Tons of people headed to lower Manhattan today to cheer on a team from New Jersey. It’s nice to see Eli so nattily dressed. That guy’s gonna get cool yet!
We’ve always been annoyed by the phrase “Canyon of Heroes.” Strahan looks happy, though. And honestly: That middle guy, man, those kickers come in all shapes and sizes.
Continue Reading February 5th, 2008
Because we are Americans, and this is what we like to call a “democracy,” you all should get out and vote today. We have some friends who, if they live in states that have closed primaries, don’t vote because they “don’t like to be labeled.” Hey, who likes to be labeled? We want to vote.
If you feel so inclined, you can vote for the candidates based on their baseball team choices. To sum up:
Obama: Chicago White Sox.
Romney: Boston Red Sox.
McCain: Arizona Diamondbacks.
Clinton: Oh, who the heck knows anymore?
The whole election has been just as much fun as anything in sports over the last month, other than that Super Bowl of course. We’ll be up way too late into the night watching results. Most important: Go out there and vote. And, hell, if freaking Perez Hilton can do it, so can we: Go out there and vote Obama.
Presidential Candidates and Baseball - Super Tuesday Update [Home Run Derby]
Continue Reading February 5th, 2008
So, if there were ever a day for the Knicks to finally get fed up with Isiah Thomas and end this madness, today would seem like a good one.
The Knicks lost their sixth in a row last night, by nine to the freaking Clippers. The whole world’s coming to an end over there. Frankly, with all the other news going on in the world today, it would be the ideal time to fire Isiah; people might not even notice.
In case you needed a reminder of how bad it is over at MSG, here’s a firsthand report of what it was like at the Garden last night. These are described as “the only times there were noise.”
#9: A between quarters race where two munchkins had to put on a pair of shorts, jersey and t-shirt before hitting a layup.
#5: A slightly more emphatic round of boos following a third quarter where the Knicks were outscored 28-14.
#3: A fat guy carrying a sign with the numbers 18-1 written in black marker makes his way around the arena.
We can’t pile on the Knicks anymore, other than to point out again that today’s the ideal day to fire Isiah, so we will note what a Boston fan told us about the growing “18-1″ chant: “It’s the worst, because it’s like the ‘1918′ chant, but there’s absolutely no way to make it stop.” That’s true. Ouch.
Welcome To The World’s Most Silent Arena [The Legend Of Cecilio Guante]
Continue Reading February 5th, 2008
You might have thought Sen. Arlen Specter was going after NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and the New England Patriots because he’s an Eagles fan. (And because he is, generally, rather cranky.) Turns out he might have some ulterior motives.
You know that nasty fight still going on between the NFL and Comcast, over that whole NFL Network thing? Well, Guess who Specter’s top campaign contributor is. That would be Comcast.
So let’s review. Last week, Specter announced on radio and then in print that he may hold public hearings — on the taxpayer’s dime — to find out why the NFL destroyed the videotapes at the center of the so-called “Spygate” scandal, in which the Patriots were fined and stripped of their No. 1 draft pick for breaking league rules about videotaping the New York Jets’ sidelines and signals during a game. His announcement stirred up an embarassing story line for the NFL at the peak of its premier week, the Super Bowl where New England tried unsuccessfully to complete an unprecedented 19-0 season.
But what is the point, other than the above-mentioned embarrassment of the NFL and its commissioner Roger Goodell? True, destroying the tape wasn’t the smartest PR move by the PR-savvy NFL, but the tape would show…what? That the Pats spied on the Jets?…that’s already been acknowledged by everyone involved, which is why New England was hit with a fairly severe punishment by league standards. Meanwhile, Specter’s No. 2 donor and the lobbying client of his No. 1 donor, Comcast, is still at odds with the NFL.
Ugh: We can’t believe we just defended the NFL for something involving the NFL Network. We need a shower.
Arlen’s Tangled Comcastic Mess: It’s Worse Than You Think [Attytood]
Continue Reading February 5th, 2008
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is in no way related to Kevin McHale and has taken the necessary legal steps to ensure that it stays that way. When he’s not admiring this Rik Smits wallpaper, he can be found country line dancing at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• At least he’s in Barkley’s Fave Five now. You might be tempted to think that nobody in the sports world could possibly feel any worse right now than the New England Patriots and their fans. Well, here are two words that can totally prove you wrong: Dwyane Wade. Pookie’s team suffered their largest defeat of the season - and that’s really saying something - a 114-82 home loss to the Toronto Raptors. The Heat were strung up, stuffed with sorrow and beaten like a woeful piñata. The mighty dinos, who shot almost 60 percent as a team, got 24 points from former National Honor Society Member Chris Bosh and 22 from the formerly deceased Andrea Bargnani. Dorrell Wright led the Heat with 17 points and 8 rebounds, while Wade had 12 points, 4 assists, and countless regrets. Mr. T, the internationally renowned pity expert, had this to say after the game: “I’ve pitied me a lot of fools over the years. But damn, I really pity these fools.”
• Flush! What better way for New Yorkers to sober up after the Giants’ improbable Super Bowl victory than to watch the lowly Knicks drop a home game to the equally lowly Clippers? The only thing harder to look at than the game was Chris Kaman, who returned after missing four games with a case of the butt-uglies. “They’re a struggling team just like we are,” said Kaman. “It’s like a toilet bowl game or a dust bowl game. Two bottom teams fighting.” So … I guess that would make Los Angeles the soiled toilet paper and New York the large, steamy deuce? Anyway, the Clippers had seven players in double figures, led by Cory Maggette’s 19 and Kaman’s 15 (to go along with his 9 boards). The Knicks got 19 points and two measly rebounds out of Eddy Curry, plus another 18 points from Jamal Crawford.
• Holy flyswatters, Batman! Remember in the old Superfriends cartoon how Batman had, like, everything in his utility belt? Bat-boomarangs, Bat-lasers, Bat-grenades, Bat-handcuffs, Bat-anal lube, Bat-pictures of Robin naked … if it existed, it was in that belt. Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if Batman kept an extra Josh Smith in one of those little yellow pouches, because J-Smoove did it all last night: 19 points, 6 rebounds, 9 assists, 9 [!!] blocked shots, and four steals. As an afterthought, the Hawks beat the Sixers 96-91. The Hawks also got 21 points from Josh “The Other Josh” Childress and 18 from Joe “Mama” Johnson. Meanwhile, Andre “Please, God, please let them trade me” Miller had 29 for Philadelphia.
• Better than the third-best team in the East! After consecutive embarrassing losses to the top two teams in the Eastern Conference, the Dallas Mavericks suddenly remembered how to play basketball, beating the Orlando Magic 107-98 behind Josh Howard’s 28 points. Dirk Nowitzki, free from Rasheed Wallace’s cutting words, went for 20, 9, and 5. Dwight Howard showed off his manliness with 28 points (but only 7 boards), and Hedo Turkoglu’s first career triple double - 13 points, 13 rebounds, 12 assists - was wasted in the loss.
• Phoenix discovers winning formula. Leandro Barbosa scored 30 points and Raja Bell hit seven three-pointers as Phoenix sprinted to a 118-104 win over the Charlotte Bobcats. The Suns are now undefeated when both of those things happen. Sometimes winning is just that easy. Jason Richardson led the ‘Cats with 25 points, and Emeka Okafor chipped in with 18 points and 13 rebounds.
• I got yer All-Star right here, bitches. Chris Paul might be an All-Star, a leading candidate for the mid-season MVP award that doesn’t exist, and all kinds of awesome, but Deron Williams used him, abused him, and flat-out humiliated him in Utah’s 110-88 victory over the New Orleans Hornets. Williams had 29 points and 11 assists, both game highs, while Chris Paul disappointed with 6 points (3-for-11), 6 assists, and 5 turnovers. Kyle Korver contributed 20 points and six three-pointers to the Jazz cause, while Carlos Boozer chipped in 19 points and 17 boards. Jannero Pargo (24 points) was the Hornets’ best player. Yes, Jannero Pargo.
• He is, like, so clutch. Forget all those first-round exits and post-game cry-fests. Tracy McGrady totally willed his Houston Rockets to a 92-86 victory over…the second-worst team in the league. Impressive. T-Mac had 26 points, 6 rebounds, 7 assists, and won the game with two huge hoops in the final 70 seconds. Yao Ming scored 16 points, grabbed 5 rebounds, and played no defense whatsoever. Not coincidentally, Al Jefferson kept the T-Wolves in the game with his 33 points and 16 rebounds. Now, speaking of clutch…
• Portland didn’t have The Answer. Because he’s, like, on the Nuggets. Allen Iverson scored 19 of his 25 points in the second half and hit the game-winning shot with less than a second left in overtime as the Nuggets downed the Blazers 105-103. Denver was without Marcus Camby, but Carmelo Anthony was back and picking up the slack - hey, that rhymed! - with 28 points and 15 rebounds. Brandon Roy led the Trailblazers with 26, but he missed a three-pointer at the buzzer that would have won the game.
