Archive for February 3rd, 2008
Continue Reading February 3rd, 2008
OK, we could watch football for the next 20 years, and we’re not sure we’d ever see a play as amazing and improbable and insane and ridiculous and surreal and let’s-face-it-gang batshit crazy as watching Eli Manning escape that sack and David Tyree make that catch. And then Manning finds Plaxico … and … well, what can else can you say but: Holy shit. Eli Manning, guys: Eli Freaking Manning.
Jesus: We need to sit down.
(We’re just going to revel in Eli Manning — Eli Manning! — becoming an immortal in the span of 15 minutes for the rest of the night, but those looking for their Patriots schadenfreude will find it after the jump.)
Continue Reading February 3rd, 2008
Ten total points in this game. Ten. Farking TEN POINTS. But it’s close, and when it comes to neutral fans, a close game is all one can ask for at this stage of the game. Follow the season’s final 15 minutes after the jump.
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Holy hammered Jesus on a Triscuit. The Patriots lost. The Patriots lost. Someone put up prop bets on how long until Supermike gets his 4th bannination from the comments.
0:01 — The officials try to clear the field so they can run one final play. Bill Belichick already left the field. Unless Eli Manning accidentally kicks a field goal the other way, we can just about wrap this game up as the most exciting Super Bowl since the Rams-Titans showdown.
0:10 — They just flashed a glimpse of a New York Giants Super Bowl Champions hat. That’s a jinx if I ever saw it.
0:10 — The pass goes all the way downfield to a double covered Moss, but Webster bats the ball away. 4th down and 20. How in the world can they win this now? Can they even get to within field goal range in 10 seconds and call a timeout?
0:21 — Brady gets rumpused by Jay Alford for the sack. Is rumpused a word? Fuck it, it’s the final seconds of the Super Bowl. It sounds right. I don’t have time to fact check.
0:25 — Brady’s first pass is heaved over everyone. Nobody touches it.
0:29 — Maroney’s return puts the ball at the 26. The Patriots have all three timeouts. All they need is a field goal.
Mercury Morris is totally open to giving Plaxico Burress and Eli Manning simultaneous handjobs.
17 
14
0:35 — !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
0:39 — Steve Smith was open on the flat, and Manning finds him. He goes down the sideline. That’s a first down.
0:45 — Tyree came remarkably close to hauling in his second consecutive circus catch. It drops harmlessly to the ground.
0:51 — Oh, but he doesn’t elude that. The Giants invoke their final timeout.
1:02 — H-h-h-h-h-how in the galactic constellation did Eli Manning not be pushed down by any of four Patriots defenders? Manning stood on his feet, and actually had time to step up and launch a ball down the field to David Tyree. What an incredible play. The fact it happened is way more frightening than Donkey Lips’ nipples.
1:15 — Whoa. Asante Samuel lets the ball go right by him.
1:20 — Manning scrambles, but Adalius Thomas catches him.
1:32 — Jacobs forcibly punches through the line for just enough forward progress. The clock stops as if to go for a measurement, but the idea is quickly shot down. In the meantime … no, nothing happened in the meantime, because the clock was stopped. Another gift for the Giants.
1:40 — On 4th and inches, the refs will call for a measurement. It’s clearly fourth down, so consider this a little stocking stuffer for New York. What decision is there, Joe Buck? Punt with inches to go 58 minutes into the game?
I … I think I just saw Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts dance with jumper cables on his nipples. What’s the superlative of Nightmare Fuel?
1:59 — A couple of incompletions pedal the game down to the two-minute warning. I think I see where this is going.
2:39 — Now the Giants team and fans put all their faith into Manning, but first, let’s see if Domenik Hixon can find the rest of his limbs after Raymond Ventrone lambasted him on the kickoff return. Youch.
10 14
2:42 — Wait for it … wait for it … Brady to Moss. Inevitabilicious.
2:45 — A pass up the middle to Welker gets broken up. Speaking of broken up, there’s another Giants defender on the ground, refusing to part with it. They have to be down to their sixth-string safety by now.
2:49 — On first and goal, Brady faked the ball twice, enabling Moss to free himself from the clutches of the defender, but Brady just up ‘n misses him.
Even though they’re all tired by now, let’s move forward and meet … THE GIANTS DEFENSIVE LINE
Name/Position: Michael Strahan, Left Defensive End
College: Texas Southern
Ht./Wt.: 6′5″, 255 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Recording so many sacks in his career would make Strahan a natural to endorse White Castle hamburgers. But that’s not his first choice.
Name/Position: Barry Cofield, Left Defensive Tackle
College: Northwestern
Ht./Wt.: 6′4″, 306 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: In fourth grade, Cofield did a book report on a VCR manual. He got a C-plus on it, which was bumped up to an A-minus because half of the report was written in Spanish.
Name/Position: Fred Robbins, Right Defensive Tackle
College: Wake Forest
Ht./Wt.: 6′4″, 317 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Fred Robbins is known for his charitable contributions to Pensacola, Florida. Giving back to his community something they desperately need, once a year he convinces someone under the age of 60 years old to move there.
Name/Position: Osi Umenyiora, Right Defensive End
College: Troy State
Ht./Wt.: 6′3″, 261 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Umenyiora starred in his high school production of Gulliver’s Travels, but he didn’t need to try out. The director felt he was a perfect fit for Gulliver because his name is an anagram for “You Are So Mini.”
3:22 — Another first down. Faulk grabs this one.
4:01 — Moss was open, granted, but he’s always open when he jumps up in the air. Another first down for New England, and the Pats are inside the 20.
4:53 — Welker nabs his 11th catch. He’s over 100 yards on the game. That airhorn is starting to run out of juice. Fortunately Fox Sports also shipped me a kit to refill the horn with more, um, whatever the hell is in airhorns. Loudness, I suppose.
6:04 — The Patriots offense is beginning to make plays and avoid what the football analysts call “getting knocked the fuck around.” First down throws to Randy Moss and Welker put N’England on the right side of the 50-yard line.
If you need a game MVP right now, Justin Tuck of the Giants has two sacks and a forced fumble. He’s got to be the clubhouse leader.
8:02 — The third down pass to Toomer wasn’t awesome enough. Here comes Feagles to punt.
8:24 — Eli Manning shows some kind of elusiveness and mobility — Peyton definitely didn’t teach him that — but badly overthrows Burress, who was ridiculously open.
9:30 — On third down, Tom Brady eludes the sack, but the pass eludes everyone’s hands. Switch sides.
Coke — Much like the unexpected lead by the Giants, Coca-Cola shocks the world by firing away late in the fourth quarter after a drought of commercial genius with two separate spots with unlikely tandems: Underdog/Stewie and Carville/Frist. I’d vote for an Underdog/Stewie presidential ticket, even if Underdog is weak on immigration. Combining the two:
10 7
11:05 — Let it be known, that if anyone laid money on the prop bet of “two scoreless quarters followed by a touchdown caught by David Tyree,” you’re officially a rich man.
12:11 — Another first down thanks to the functional legs and hands of Steve Smith.
14:44 — Huge play from Eli Manning to Kevin Boss, who gets behind everyone. Because Kevin Boss is a tight end, he’s eventually caught, ending the long pass play at 45 yards.
It’s good that people wait until this, the fourth quarter, to text message the NFL to tell them who the MVP should be. Because the game is pretty much decided by now.
Continue Reading February 3rd, 2008
Tom Brady had moments of happiness between moments of being crunched into the ground. The slim 7-3 lead is not safe by any means, the way this thing’s going. Let’s see what happens in the third quarter, shall we?
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11:00 — On the punt, Bill Belichick challenged that the Giants didn’t get their 12th player off the field in time. Mike Carey looked at the call and indeed, Chase Blackburn’s footsies were in the field of play. What’s odd is that during the commercials, NFL’s Game Center tried to preempt the call and said in its play-by-play that the review was upheld. Whoopsie. First down Patriots.
Vitamin Water — It’s not believable. No, not when Shaq jockeyed a horse. But when one of his competitors slapped him on the leg, he didn’t get hurt.
Salesgenie — It’s a perfect storm of zeroness. Animals. A product I don’t need. And racism. That’s the second time Salesgenie used a funny accent to sell their … sales? It’s amazing Carlos Mencia wasn’t even anywhere near this animation, but it sure felt like it.
Cars.com — Shrunken heads. That’ll do.
11:27 — Kevin Faulk gets a reception. Silence. And it’s short of the first down. New England goes to the punt yard.
12:05 — I know there were plays in between this Wes Welker reception and the last one, but since I’m multitasking and all, Fox Sports sent me an airhorn that goes off by itself every time Welker gets a reception.
14:47 — WES WELKER IS TOUCHING THE BALL! Pardon me while I swoon feverishly.
Halftime Thoughts
Tom Petty looked scared shitless on the stage. He sounded fine, that is to say, for Tom Petty standards. So let’s thank Bridgestone for spreading the much needed Tom Petty awareness to the nation. I will now download the songs he sang so I can… oh, wait, I already have all of those.
Continue Reading February 3rd, 2008
Well, that was fast. Let’s do another quarter, just like the other one. The score is Giants 3, Patriots 0, and I’ll go out on a limb that because the game isn’t being played in the 1940s, the lead and score won’t hold.
(Getty Images Photo)
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0:00 — ‘n that’s all she wrote for the half. Quite a lack of scoring, I’d say, but it’s still been exciting, because we’ve seen the Patriots offense be six varieties of inconsistent.
0:05 — N’yawk gets one last really-really-long pass to see if they can score six.
0:15 — FUMBLEFUMLEFBLRMFLIDKMYBFFJILL (Giants recover)
0:22 — Randy Moss waltzes into the Giants side of the field, with the ball in his loving arms. First down.
0:28 — Brady swings it forward to Kevin Faulk, and they get another first down, but with less than a half-minute to go, they still have more than half the field to advance, or at least 30 more yards for a field goal.
0:59 — Timeout, New England. And I finally caught a glimpse of Bill Belichick. Nice to see him breaking out the Patriots alternate soccer jersey uniform for such an occasion. Why isn’t the name of a cell phone company plastered on the abdomen?
1:26 — New England’s drive deep in Bahhhston territory begins shaky, but Brady found Stallworth for a long 3rd down conversion. Doesn’t look like the Giants will get the ball back this half.
Doritos — Man in an animal suit. Half-assing the animal motif.
Pepsi — Groin injuries to Justin Timberlake. Second-for-second, best block of commercials so far.
T-Mobile — It’s nice to see some closure on the national nightmare of Dwyane Wade getting inside Charles Barkley’s five. The other four numbers, by the way, are all for pizza.
Planters — My ex-girlfriend didn’t look like that, but she did smell like peanuts, which is why it didn’t work out. Wait .. not peanuts. Penis. I get those confused.
1:54 — And now they have to punt. Two-minute warning.
2:21 — If you wanted to know what the opposite of antiquing is, it was what ever Adalius Thomas did to Eli Manning. The ball was dropped, and the Giants recovered but they blatantly pushed the ball forward, resulting in a penalty. Still, they kept the ball, but it set up 3rd and 18.
Now let’s meet … THE GIANTS OFFENSIVE LINE
Name/Position: David Diehl, Left Tackle
College: Illinois
Ht./Wt.: 6′5″, 276 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: When David’s parents decided to have him, they actually said “Let’s make a Diehl.” This meant that Mr. Diehl, during the act of procreation, was not able to pick Door #2.
Name/Position: Rich Seubert, Left Guard
College: Western Illinois
Ht./Wt.: 6′3″, 310 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: You might remember Seubert as the guy who tried to catch the pass on the botched field goal in 2002 when the Giants played the 49ers in the NFC playoffs, but was dragged down by Chike Okeafor and no pass interference was called. What you didn’t know was that Seubert was carrying an hors d’oeuvres platter, so he was in no position to catch the ball in the first place.
Name/Position: Shaun O’Hara, Center
College: Rutgers
Ht./Wt.: 6′3″, 303 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: O’Hara almost got into criminal trouble when allegations surfaced that he was the mastermind behind a boar fighting ring, but no charges were filed once federal investigators discovered O’Hara didn’t use live boars, but rather boar statues, and banged them together with his own hands, making sound effects as his friends wagered bets.
Name/Position: Chris Snee, Right Guard
College: Boston College
Ht./Wt.: 6′3″, 217 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Snee happens to be married to Tom Coughlin’s daughter Katie and have a child together. Even though the baby was born on the expected date, Tom Coughlin docked the newborn baby a day’s pay.
Name/Position: Kareem McKenzie, Right Tackle
College: Penn State
Ht./Wt.: 6′6″, 327 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: McKenzie suffered a drought in his career when he was all about John Lennon’s song “Give Peace A Chance,” and rather than block linemen with his hands, he would first attempt to negotiate with blitzers.
5:53 — Ahmad Bradshaw performs the heftiest run so far — 13 yards and a first down.
Bud Light — It’s everyone’s favorite comedian! I wonder what we should rate this one… hmm… does anybody know?
(I really wasn’t sure I’d even use this one.)
7:11 — After one really painful sack, Brady suffers another painful sack. Chris Kaman would know a thing or two about those. There goes the punt.
Life Water — I have had it with these goddamn animals. The one Super Bowl there’s no team animal mascot, and they overcompensate with every other commercial featuring critters.
CareerBuilder.com — For a second there when the girl’s heart jumped out of her sweater, I thought it was an ad for breast implants.
8:35 — Giants punt, because they ran out of downs.
9:19 — FUMBLEFUMBLEFUMBNLYMBLFNUMLFF++++++++NO CARRIER+++++++ (Giants keep possession)
Garmin — If a GPS is good enough for Napoleon, that must mean it’s Waterlooproof.
Movie: Leatherheads — Normally a movie with George Clooney in it is my sign that I’ll eventually see it on video.
Some Really Quiet Car — Ill-tempered badgers are normally the key to my heart, but the animal overkill has finally reached its nexus.
10:43 — Laurence Maroney gets brickwalled by Osi Umenyiora, and a punt ensues. The Giants survive the interception.
Budweiser — A Rocky spoof featuring a horse and dalmatian. D’awwwwww. But how does the horse match up against a ferocious carrier pigeon?
11:56 — Thats not what happened at all. (The field goal.) Manning’s pass to Steve Smith gets bobbled and falls right into Ellis Hobbs’ gullet. We’re goin’ backwards.
13:27 — The Giants are in field goal range again. I say that because, well, that’s probably what will happen.
Wow. Too many commercials in a row right there. But I did check out the GoDaddy commercial. I agree. Danica Patrick’s beaver is out of sight.
Tide stick of detergent or something — The role of the annoying stain was played by Tom Arnold.
Cars.com — That one was all right, but it had to follow the FedEx one. Tough break.
FedEx — Carrier pigeons play well in the Sussman residence. Extremely huge carrier pigeons taking over the world? Winner.
Go Daddy — I have a feeling I wont’ be able to see Danica Patrick’s tits. But just to be safe…
G2 — Derek Jeter drinks it. I don’t know if it tastes like animal dung, but that’s reason enough.
Movie: Wanted — Much like the Bridgestone commercial, the guy totally missed Angelina Jolie.
3 7
14:57 — And Maroney takes the handoff, extends his pinky finger, and he’s across the goal line.
Doritos — They’re already getting to the point where they’re just doing regular old commercials. They’re not even worth rating, really.
Bridgestone Tires — Animals always play well on camera. But the car completely missed the squirrel. And they had time. They could have done another take.
Continue Reading February 3rd, 2008
This game has been tied for two weeks. Christ, somebody score already. Follow the first quarter football happenings and corporate marketing snippets after the jump.
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6:35 — Manning’s pass is batted in the end zone.
7:21 — It’s the same deal every third down. Manning gets slightly pressured, but finds someone in the middle of the field for the first down. They’re in the red zone. Redazona?
8:11 — That was either a dropped pass by Kevin Boss or the worst flea flicker in history.
Commercial Review: Audi R8 — Guy wakes up with some black stuff all over his pajamas. Oh my god, he killed a pressman! Oh, it’s motor oil, and there’s part of a car in his bed. Wow, did he have a crazy night last night!
Deadspin Commercial Rating
Commercial Review: Bud Light — Fire breathing. Ah, always good for a cheap laugh when it involves animals. Consider this approved.
Deadspin Commercial Rating:
First Quarter
11:05 — Another third down pass play that Manning locks down. Steve Smith catches it on the first down line and falls forward. Injured Patriots are just everywhere.
13:24 — Eli Manning’s first throw doesn’t land anywhere in the vicinity of suck. Plaxico Burress had a good solid 2-yard halo from suck. The 3rd and 6 play goes for 14 yards.
15:00 — Steven Gostkowski kicks to Domenik Hixon, who returns the ball to the 23-yard line. Such an average start.
Coin Toss
They have to make the coin flip way more complicated than it should be. “Roman Numerals is tails.” That’s inaccurate. Tails is tails. At least make it creative and put something like VeggieTales on the tails side.
Giants win the toss, because they called heads, which had like a desk on it or something.
National Anthem
Ah, she won American idol. So that’s where I’ve heard of Jordin Sparks. That first name could really use an “a” in there somewhere.
Pregame Babble
Joe Buck’s hair is perfect. His face is perfectly orange. He must want the Broncos to win this thing.
New England has scored 38 points four times this year, more than any other number. So I’ll take the Patriots 38-30.
Continue Reading February 3rd, 2008
So what’s gonna happen is in exactly two hours we’ll begin the live blog celebrations. This will give me ample time to nap, eat, and … wow, there’s been a Frosted Flake in my beard all this time, and nobody told me!
There will also be some good live blogging over at The Sporting News blog. The dude from Awful Announcing will follow the broadcast. Spencer “Orson” Hall “Swindle” will track the commercials. And two nice gentlemen will keep tabs on the actual game. Why I’m telling you this instead of keeping you all here for Deadspin’s live blog, I’m not entirely positive. Being nice, I guess. Which means now I have to step up my game and perhaps invoke both penis and fart jokes.
Until then, I bid you all a good collective power nap.
Continue Reading February 3rd, 2008
Know what’s great? (Besides those Jimmy Dean microwaveable breakfast sandwiches. Mmm mmm. I’m not actually sure why I brought this up, it’s really a tangential point to the entire post.) Opinion columns written by old men who complain about everything. Enter the fray, Robert Z. Nemeth, about how football is a waste of time.
It’s not even one of those Andy Rooney-style missives about how players in simpler times like Johnny Lujack could teach these Brady and Manning kids a thing or two about quarterbacking the single wing formation. It’s just a flat out screed against football and, while he’s at it, the entire concept of organized sports as a big business. It’s remarkably well done in the annals of crotchetiness.
At any rate, one of the reasons I’m not a fan is that the word derives from “fanatic,” and I refuse to be a fanatic about anything, least of all football, a game in which a bunch of behemoths do their best to cripple each other. I don’t happen to believe football is a religion, creed, human right or citizenship in an unruly tribe called Patriot Nation. It’s not a science, despite platoons of coaches, coordinators and analysts using high technology to determine the best way of advancing an oddly shaped pigskin 10 yards at a time.
And another thing! What’s this about my TV not working a year from now? Thank goodness I got the extended warranty on these rabbit ears. And Beatrice? We’re out of fig bars. I SAID WE’RE OUT OF FIG B… Mother Mary and Joseph, that woman wouldn’t hear a Kraut if he was yelling right in her face.
Super Bowl’s A Super Bore [Worcester Telegram & Gazette]
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