Archive for January, 2008
Continue Reading January 30th, 2008
Of all the Giants fans who were shocked by the team’s ascension to the Super Bowl, perhaps none of them were more taken aback than Roger Director, author of I Dream In Blue, an account of his year following the Giants around … LAST year. Here, he muses on the loss of his favorite player, Jeremy Shockey, and how he can make his presence felt this Sunday. Director will also be reading with us tonight at the Changing Hands bookstore in Tempe, Arizona.
What a throwaway nation we are. This is what I was thinking walking my Writers Guild Shift yesterday. People were talking about Hillary Clinton’s tumble from sure No. 1 draft pick status. Which only left me pondering the wastebasketization of someone way more important to the quality of life and the future security of our great nation — Jeremy Shockey!
Shockey!
Since Big Blue’s greatest warrior was carted off the field with a busted wheel six weeks ago, his place has been taken by Kevin Boss, a guy so huge he seems not to have a head. Boss has played great, and pretty much mistake-free, save for a holding call and a couple dropped passes, throughout the Giants’ Super Bowl run.
Some people are reacting as if Kevin Boss is the Tom Brady of tight ends, some future Hall-of-Fame diamond in the rough. Some people are saying the Giants don’t need Shockey! Some people are saying the Giants only made it to the Super Bowl because they don’t have Shockey! That Eli Manning’s quarterbacking, and the team’s performance, is better without Achilles at arms upon the Plains of Troy! Some have even mentioned to me that Giants would be wise to trade Shockey!
Those who entertain such thoughts will be rounded up and shot.
What a throwaway nation we are. Boss-ites go around trafficking in treason and taunting us aloud with: “Where is Jeremy Shockey?”
I’ll tell you where Shockey! is. Upon awakening in the recovery room following an operation on his leg, Shockey tore the tubes out of his arm and tried to get back to the Giants. Two burly orderlies tried to restrain him. But they were about as good at holding Shockey! down as the Dallas Cowboys defense. Two unconscious orderlies, one destroyed hospital ward and one SWAT team later, Shockey, still fighting to get back to the Giants, was finally multi-tasered. He was shackled and carted off in restraints to a maximum security holding cell at a Super Max prison on the high plains in Colorado.
That’s how much Shockey! wanted to suit up for Big Blue. So much even the Super Max couldn’t restrain him. He grabbed a couple crazed killers and, using them as human shields, broke out of SuperMax, zig-zagging on his not-yet-rehabbed leg through the spray of machine gun bullets and automatic arms fire. He laughed his way over the electrified, barbed wire fence only to find himself encircled by a ring of U.S. Army tanks and a voice coming through a megaphone telling him he wasn’t yet medically cleared to play.
So the Giants will go with Kevin Boss. Leaving Shockey! where, exactly? The trail’s gone cold, and I suspect his whereabouts are known only to a select few. The last I heard, he’d been sedated, locked in a cage and flown to a remote CIA outpost on a rocky island off the West coast of South Korea. The only way to know where he is and how much Shockey! wants to play in this Super Bowl are by the needle spikes on the seismograph in labs at Seoul and Manila.
But even without Shockey! the Giants will win. I know this because I am the same guy who predicted in my preview before the season even began that the Giants would wind up with the Vince Lombardi Trophy at year’s end.
The Patriots will score 17 or 20 points. They’ll score off a blocked Tynes field goal and you’ve got to figure Brady’s arm is worth another 10 or 14 more.
But the Giants will outscore them. They will pound down the Pats defense. Eli will throw three TD passes and Tynes will kick one of two through the uprights. The turning point in the game will come early on, and, ultimately, the Patriots’ and Rodney Harrison’s toe tags will read: Cause of Death - Brandon Jacobs’ knee.
It will be a great victory. One we can tape and take in the casket beside us to watch on our journey to the Great Blue Beyond.
But don’t tell me it couldn’t have happened with No. 80.
Continue Reading January 30th, 2008
Want your fill of barking, chewing and indiscriminate pooping that doesn’t involve a night out with Najeh Davenport? Then gather your Scooby Snacks and settle in for Puppy Bowl IV; the only part of Super Bowl Week that lives up to the hype. The starting lineups were announced this morning, and once again it looks like anyone’s ballgame.
Most of these puppies look like trouble, but if anyone is going to raise the bar of puppy mayhem, it’s probably going to be Bruin, the Alaskan Malamute. Look for at least 17 penalties from this puppy in the first quarter alone. And Jack the Mini Dachshund looks like he’d chew up your Super Bowl tickets without thinking twice.
But my favorite aspect of the Puppy Bowl (Sunday, 3 p.m., Animal Planet) is always the fine reporting of the event at Planet Haystack, which always treats it as, well, its Super Bowl. A snippet from last year’s coverage:
Look … it’s this simple: Whichever puppy dropped the fleece squirrel into the water bowl at the two-hour mark of PB 3, well … that puppy should’ve been flagged, ejected, suspended and fined. The Bowl Cam gave the viewer conclusive evidence that the puppy toy “went for a swim.” It was an obvious penalty — and there should be outrage over such a flagrant foul. There’s no room in the game for that. The game’s growth depends on it.
Secretly, Eli Manning is more interested in this game as well.
Meet The Puppy Players [Puppy Bowl IV]
MVP of Puppy Bowl III = The Puggle? [Planet Haystack]
Continue Reading January 30th, 2008
If you were confused about the timing of Stephen A. Smith staring his own blog, be bewildered no longer: At long last, the Philadelphia Inquirer has officially ended its relationship with Stephen A..
Stephen A. hasn’t written for the paper since August, when the paper dropped him to a “general assignment” reporter, a position he obviously wasn’t going to accept. There have been rumors of a lawsuit, but Stephen A. wasn’t talking yesterday.
But the days of typing out newspaper columns on a Blackberry are over. He is now, just like all of us, merely a blogger. We hope ESPN starts showing his URL below his name.
Inquirer Fires Stephen A. Smith [Philly.com]
Continue Reading January 30th, 2008
It’s probably best, at this point, to think of Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte as characters from “Mean Girls.”
Roger was the older girl who taught Andy how to be popular, and they were totally BFF. Then they both got in trouble for drinking on campus with alcohol that Roger had bought — he always wants to drink more than Andy; Andy is worried about upsetting her parents — and when faced with punishment by her strict, Fundamentalist parents, Andy sells out Roger, who was behind the whole thing in the first place.
The analogy holds even during the “What’s Happening To My Body” phrase.
Ward and Emery said they believed that Pettitte, who has acknowledged receiving H.G.H. from McNamee in 2002, will provide the first account of contemporaneous conversations with McNamee about Clemens’s use of performance-enhancing drugs in earlier years.
You SLUT! That was our secret!
The Honeymoon Is Over [Metroville]
Discussing Clemens [Baseball Musings]
Continue Reading January 30th, 2008
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is in no way related to Kevin McHale and who has taken the necessary legal steps to ensure that it stays that way. When he’s not building a life-sized Dirk Nowitzki out of LEGOs, he can be found making fart jokes at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• They did the monster mash. What does Mike Dunleavy Jr. think about Rasheed Wallace? “He’s one of the most difficult guys in the league to guard. When he wants to be a monster, he’s a monster.” Well, you can bet junior will be asking his mommy to check in the closet and under his bed for at least a week after Wallace dropped 24 points, 10 rebounds, and about 1.4 metric tons of trash talk on him during the Pistons’ 110-104 win over the Pacers. Actually, Dunleavy had a monster game himself (25 points, 7 rebounds, and 7 assists), but Wallace came up with two big blocks in the final minutes to help extend the Pacers’ losing streak to four. P.S. Just exactly what is Larry Bird mutating into?
• Look at me, look at me! Chris Bosh really wants to be an All-Star, and since he couldn’t earn a starting role through hilarity, he’s trying to take a reserve spot by brute force. To that end, Howard beat on the Wizards like a side of raw beef on his way to 37 points, 12 rebounds, and 3 steals. However, fellow attention whore Antawn Jamison was all like, “Uh, excuse me, I’m All-Star quality too.” ‘Tawn tossed in 24 points and hauled in 20 [!!] rebounds as the Wizards scored a 108-104 overtime win over the Raptors. Jose Calderon, the “other” All-Star hopeful in Toronto, contributed 23 points and 13 assists, while Andray Blatche impersonated Caron Butler (who’s out with something that sounds kind of painful) by scoring 19 points and nabbing 8 boards.
• I’ve got your Big Three right here, bitches. With Kevin Garnett (sore tummy muscle) and Ray Allen (flu-like symptoms) out of action, Leon Powe, Tony Allen, and Rajon Rondo transformed into the new new Big Three. Powe paced the Celtics with a cool 25 points and 11 boards, Allen had 20 points and 6 assists, and Rondo added 23 points on 8-for-10 shooting as Boston helped Miami start a brand new losing streak by delivering a brutal 117-87 beating. The Heat were led by Mark Bount’s 20 points. Yes, Mark Blount was Miami’s best player. By far. Meanwhile, Dwyane Wade’s 1-for-9 shooting performance sure looked like a desperate cry for help. Either that or for a swift and merciful death.
• NBA action…it’s yawn-tastic. Bulls! Timberwolves! It really was scalper’s night off in Chicago. Al Jefferson didn’t set another career high in scoring, so, not surprisingly, the Bulls trampled over the Timberwolves 96-85. Jefferson still put in 20 and 12, but nobody in blue and green had his back (shame on you, Antoine Walker!). The Bulls are missing four players - Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, Joe Smith, and Chris Duhon - but they were carried by the suddenly unstoppable Kirk Hinrich (27 points, 6 assists) Joakim “The Renegade Rookie” Noah (10 points, 13 rebounds).
• Let the bidding begin. Jason Kidd wants out of New Jersey - he thinks the logo makes him look fat - so he showed potential buyers what they’d be getting by scoring seven points in the final 1:42 to help the Nets break their nine-game skid with an 87-80 win over the Bucks. Kidd had 11 assists, too. But let the buyer beware: this former member of the Fun Police is currently shooting 36 percent from the field, which is 45th among NBA point guards.
• More monster mashing. If the Golden State/Houston game was a foreign horror movie from the 1950s, Yao Ming would have played the part of giant lizard monster and the Warriors would have been the city it stomped all over. Yao belched forth great flame (36 points) and hurled boulders (19 rebounds) while Golden State’s front court players ran around screaming in subtitles. Man, it’s a good thing the Warriors signed a big man who can’t run or play defense! P.S. Tracy McGrady missed the game with flu-like symptoms. Just like Ray Allen. Hmm…I wonder…
• They chose…poorly. Remember in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade how when the bad guy drank out of the wrong Holy Grail, he aged a thousand years in a few seconds and exploded into a cloud of dust? Well, that’s what’s happening to the Spurs right now. Tony Parker missed the game with a fake injury, leaving Tim Duncan (27 points, 12 rebounds) and Manu Ginobili (29 points, 7 flops) to carry their mummified teammates. Unfortunately, Tim Duncan left his potion of levitation next to his wizard’s cloak and 20-sided dice. And the whole 2-on-12 thing helped the Sonics end their 14-game winning streak with an 88-85 win. Kevin Durant scored 19 points and Chris Wilcox added 16 points and 10 boards for Seattle.
• The cure for what ails them. When a team is struggling the way the Lakers have been, there are only two things they want to see on their upcoming schedule: “Happy ending massage” and “New York Knicks.” Man, this one has “bounce back game” written all over it. So You know what? I’m just going to assume that Kobe Bryant scores a lot of points and the Lakers win this one.
Continue Reading January 29th, 2008
Against all our better judgment, we headed to the Pink Taco today for Media Day. We had heard from pretty much everyone we know who covers sports for a living that it’s a full platter of ridiculousness and that it wasn’t worth our time. Hearing that made us think we absolutely had to go. We should have listened.
That is to say: Media Day is a waste of time for everyone, and that doesn’t just mean the players and the media. Even the dope gimmick folks, the lady who wanted to marry Brady, or “The Tonight Show”’s Kelly Pickler (an actual collaboration which tells you all you need to know about both Pickler and “The Tonight Show”), or the mock astrologists (as if there were any other kind), seemed generally bored with their schtick. Everyone felt like they were going through the motions; it’s Media Day … we have to do something CRAZY!
Everyone kept telling us beforehand that it was a “circus,” but that’s an insult that would cause P.T. Barnum to turn over in his grave. A circus at least attempts to entertain. Media Day is 40 different press conferences going on at once, with neither the subject nor the interviewer even pretending to stifle their yawns, while an occasional Spanish language reporter shimmies by in something slinky while reports make a mental note to hit the Blue Moon strip club tonight. The whole thing was empty, stale air … and that was the best part. The schtick was the comedic equivalent of 30 separate Jay Leno monologues; it was like watching a public access reality show, punctuated by a vague, “Hey, isn’t that Trent Dilfer?” smidgen of recognition.
We were so discouraged that we couldn’t even make it through the whole thing. Sorry: Trust us, empty space is more entertaining that what we’d have for you here had we stayed.
Stadium looks great, though.
Continue Reading January 29th, 2008
By now, you might have seen the bizarre Tony Romo/Jessica Simpson singalong thing that the brain has yet to download, let alone comprehend.
Now that A.J. has left us, it’s up to others to try and fill his pointy, elfin shoes and feed us some delicious Cultural Oddsmaker pie. And I can think of no better place to start than with Tony Romo’s little black book. Now that Jessica Simpson is apparently out of the picture, who will be the next beauty to take his arm on a trip to Cabo? My bet is already down, but I’m not telling. OK fine, I say that he’s waiting for Dakota Fanning … although as Otter said in Animal House, “That could take years, and cost thousands of lives.” Rumors and Rants runs down the more practical odds.
Let’s see: Kelly Pickler is the favorite here at 5/2, although don’t count out wily veteran Bridget Moynahan (20-1) or the workmanlike Alyssa Milano (50-1). But hey … where’s Rice Girl?
Handicapping Romo’s Next Conquest [Rumors And Rants]
(ED. NOTE: We just got back from Media Day, and Kelly Pickler was there. There was no Romo.)
Continue Reading January 29th, 2008
It’s official (kind of): The Twins have traded Johan Santana to the Mets.
The Mets gave up a lot, but not so much that Metsblog is worried. They’re still trying to figure out a “six-or-seven year contract extension,” which means it’s possible, when this contract is over, we will be on our 46th president, and Citi Field will already be outdated.
Twins Agree To Deal Santana To Mets [USA Today]
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