Archive for January 12th, 2008
Continue Reading January 12th, 2008
I’ll give Boston the benefit of the doubt and assume that most New Englanders know how to spell “asterisk” correctly. But when Stephen Savoia took this picture for the Associated Press, he made it a point to ensure that Johnny West, the man holding the sign, was called out for the misspelling, and that this wasn’t put on the Patriots fanbase as a whole.
We don’t know if Belichick’s playbook is rife with misspellings, but we do know that his team will be … hey, wait just a second. Maybe that’s the secret to a perfect season. Misspell everything in the playbook. Oh that genius.
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Fourth Quarter
6:39 — Gostkowski’s field goal puts the lead back at a touchdown*.
* - Would have to cheat and score the rare four-point conversion.
20 
31
6:43 — Wes Welker drops a 3rd and 1 pass. I don’t think the blonde chick in that KFC commercial saw that coming. Then again, she didn’t see the roofie in her drink slipped in by her male friend either.
8:22 — Oh, there’s that big pass play I’ve hard so much about. Brady threw it to Dante Stallworth who didn’t even have to break stride. That went for 53 yards. Randy Moss, by the way, has just one catch for 14 yards.
9:47 — Scobee’s field goal, after Matt Jones couldn’t grab a third down catch, puts the game within a “touchdown”
20 28
10:31 — Jones-Drew pretty much runs through Junior Seau. It’s as if the linebacker has lost a step or two after all these years.
12:18 — Another impressive catch, this one coming from Reggie Williams, just barely getting his hands underneath the ball and just barely eliciting a dick joke. He just kind of laid on the ground for a second or two before being playfully tapped by someone in the Patriots secondary.
14:31 — Ernest Wilford hauls in a very tough third down catch, then takes a late hit and improves field position by 15 more yards.
Third Quarter
0:00 — Jacksonville closes out the quarter with the ball, but at the 7-yard line. That’s disheartening, because it’s not like they can go that far to score a touch … do … wn …
0:51 — Tom Brady just sort of stands around, like a panhandler, then makes a conscious decision to try a “forward pass.” Benjamin Watson, standing around in the endzone like a different kind of panhandler, is grateful. Here comes that lead we’ve been hearing so much about.
17 28
Cialis allows the husband with E.D. to respond to Sally only when he’s ready. Unfortunately, Sally is the babysitter.
3:29 — Well, after a questionable roughing-the-dreamboat penalty, Maroney turns a draw play into, oh, let’s say 29 yards. That’s what GameCenter says. (Note to self: Don’t just go over to GameCenter entirely. It’s full of boring statistics, with none of the love.)
4:14 — After David Garrard was thrown around between Rodney Harrison and Mike Vrabel just long enough, Josh Scobee salvages the drive with a 39-yard field goal. Meh. Points are points.
17 21
5:48 — Matt Jones was apparently moved up on the Jaguars depth chart to “wide receiver” from “wide receiver?!?!” and catches yet another big pass, this one going for 29 yards.
8:49 — It doesn’t appear that Jacksonville, in their halftime adjustments, installed a cover-white-guy defense. Wes Welker had four receptions on that drive, including the touchdown.
14 21
10:27 — That was Brady’s first incompletion of the game? Sweet Jesus, he’s right. He completed his first 16.
11:20 — Until Maroney runs for another 20-or-so yards.
12:49 — Doing what they did their last drive — okay, not the one-play drive where they knelt, because that would be silly — the Patriots are just putting together good-but-not-too-good plays in succession.
I’m remaining staunch to a two-touchdown victory for New England. But I think I speak for all underdog lovers by admitting Jacksonville pulling out this win has a much better chance of happening.
Continue Reading January 12th, 2008
The team nobody wants to play is playing the other team nobody wants to play. I forget which is which. While the first half of the Green Bay-Seattle game was phenomenal, the remainder pretty much bit the jawbreaker. Let’s see if the Patriots and Jaguars can provide a full 60 minutes of entertainment. Are everyone’s final bets in? Good. Follow along with the commenters and me after the jump.
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Pregame Babble
Everyone outside of Boston probably wants to see an upset, even if it’s out out of spite, but rather they just want to see one of those timeless upsets. Jacksonville has the components to do that, but that’s assuming New England dusts off the playbook they used against Philadelphia and Baltimore. They burned that one long ago.
How about a comment from ESPN?
“Maybe the Pats can be beaten, but not by these guys. In fact, I’m insulted that you even think this might be close.”
Actually, that wasn’t the featured ESPN comment. That was from Bill Simmons.
Continue Reading January 12th, 2008
It appears that Winkles the Sockpuppet has found his way to Wisconsin, somehow, someway, to inspire Green Bay’s comeback despite a 14-point deficit way early on. Seahawks fans — everyone, actually — would be wise to follow along for the second half of this incredibly fun game and see if Seattle has any answer for Brett Favre’s goofy underhand shovel passes.
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6:49 — Shall I say it? Do you want to? Fine. “Something something ball, something something Atari Bigby on the play.”
7:11 — The snow is getting thicker. “AND LEON’S GETTING L-L-L-L-L-LARGER!”
8:43 — Just when Seattle starts moving the ball in a desperate plea to return this game to something interesting, a holding call just might have choked the drive.
10:25 — Brandon Jackson catches a dumpoff pass and hurries down the sideline. This game, once thought fun, is becoming Siragusa ugly.
17 
35
11:54 — A long third down conversion from Favre to Jennings. The old man might be placing these passes perfectly, but the Packers receivers are doing a hell of a job moving down field for extra yards. That 20+-yard play is followed by another monster run courtesy of Ryan Grant. I wonder if Maurice Morris is going to try and fumble a couple times when they get the ball back, just to have an out of sight fourth quarter.
14:12 — Quick three-and-out by Seattle. That gives the offensive more time to huddle around Josh Brown’s steaming trousers.
Continue Reading January 12th, 2008
Vince Lombardi’s grandson, also named Vince Lombardi, is Seattle-area lawyer, and despite his granddaddy’s legacy he’s rooting against the Packers. Jim Zorn’s children had no idea this was permitted and feel rather shortchanged. (Found through SPORTSbyBROOKS.) Here’s a big, hearty cheddar cheese soy Americano for twoeightnine for his technicolorshop work to anchor this first half live blog. Join us after the jump. Refresh early and often, but not too much or you may go blind.
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Second Quater
13:22 — On 2nd and goal, Favre floats the ball to the corner, and Jennings makes the basket catch. Both the Lambeau Field PA and FOX telecast go with “Bang On The Drum All Day” for the outro music. For some reason, they never play “Piss Aaron.”
14 21
14:54 — Well, now that it’s a new quarter, I have all the confidence in the world that this time, the teams will be careful to tuck the ball away and have some nice, clean, fo… all right then. Atari Bigby just went Yar’s Revenge on Marcus Pollard, jarring the ball loose, and Aaron Kampman moves the ball back inside the red zone.
First Quarter
0:00 — All right! Time to move to the other side of the field! Maybe now it won’t … nope. There’s snow on this side too.
0:20 — Mike Carey calls a lineman for holding. I love his arm motion. It’s got kind of a windup to it. Reminds me of a bitchslap. “Oh no you didn’t just move your team back 10 yards.”
1:06 — Grant is no longer Green Bay’s next most promising janitor. He’s won those cheesy fans back by tying the game. There shouldn’t be this many points on a snowy field.
14 14
2:25 - Ryan Grant has two amazing runs in a row, and suddenly they’re at the 1-yard line. This would not be the appropriate time for his third fumble.
During the Packers challenge, Tony Siragusa explains why it’s slippery on the field. It’s like Bill Nye for hopeless idiots. Next up: Tony Siragusa on why it’s warm in Hawaii. Referee Mike Carey says they’ll re-measure. And wow, they get the ball spotted further down the field, just enough to avoid 4th down.
4:46 — This is fantastic. Even the first down measurements are epic trials of coordination. I’m waiting for one of these guys to fall down.
5:04 — Favre’s pass is dropped and flutters toward Jordan Babineaux’s very being, but the ball might as well be a greased up Eskimo baby, because he can’t hold onto it. Also, he falls over. Then a bookcase falls over, hitting another, and another. Thanks a lot, Jordan Babineaux. You ruined the entire library.
6:26 — Matt Hasselbeck’s sacked. No he i– yes he — no, he throws i– wait… what the fuck just happened? Green Bay I mean, Seattle of course has to punt either way. The field is turning wintergreen, most likely some creative product placement, but it’s not going to work. No sir. Wow… I really want some gum all of a sudden.
7:08 — Fantastic outside move by Greg Jennings inside the 10-yard line to fall into the end zone. It’s no longer a laugher. More like a docudrama.
14 7
Green Bay’s moving the ball extremely well through the air. James Jones catches a pass for a huge gain.
9:54 — Ryan Grant gets the ball and moves to the right. He falls all the way to the ground, ball intact. Biggest confidence-boosting small yard gain ever.
Green Bay gets another kickoff, and the ball ends with a nice little forward progress scrum. Away from the action, two opposing special teams players continue to push and grab each other. There’s such a fine line between special teams blocking and impromptu hugging.
10:59 — And the Seahawks drive yet again into the end zone, and Hasselbeck strikes Bobby Engram in the back of the end zone for a touchdown. He appears to be forceout, so McCarthy cannot challenge the call at all. DO NOT QUESTION.
14 0
Packers take the kickoff, and Ryan Grant begins moving the ball on the field. Well, for a while. He puts the ball on the ground again. So that’s two fumbles by Ryan Grant in the first 69 seconds. Ick. Seattle takes over just barely on Green Bay’s side of the 50.
14:40 — Shaun Alexander begins and ends the drive with a one-yard touchdown. A shocking first 20 seconds.
7 0
Ryan Grant takes a swing pass in the flat, falls down, but gets back up because it’s a live ball. Then he drops the ball, and it’s picked up by Seattle and taken down to the 1-yard line.
15:00 — Matt Hasselbeck was not sent out to make the coin toss. So the Packers are going to take the ball first. I have no idea what their stance is on scoring.
Don’t worry, Josh Scobey. Take your sweet time getting off the field. It’s not like we’re trying to play a game or anything here.
Pregame Babble
Tony Siragusa must be busy, what with sideline reporting and doing the voice for Futurama’s Bender.
As Brett Favre was announced into the field, the wall of cheerleaders on either side was not perfectly aligned, but slightly curved so as to create a giant smile.
I really should have prepared a breakdown of the game, but you know how that goes. Quick, ESPN featured comment! Help us out here!
“Brett is past his PHYSICAL prime. Mentally, he’s at his peak, I think.” –Nance1347
Ah, I’m diggin’ what you’re plantin’. Packers by 11 then.
Continue Reading January 12th, 2008
All right, another after-Christmas NFL merchandise sale! It’s perfect for people with January birthdays, January anniversaries, or if you really, really enjoy Martin Luther King Day. There’s just one catch. The 30 percent price cut only applies to teams who really suck.
No, really. The only teams whose merch is 30% off are those that did not make the playoffs, with the exception of the Tennessee Titans. So if you weren’t gonna drop $249.99 on that authentic Jake Delhomme jersey, fret not. It’s down to — are you sitting down? — the low, low price of YOU’RE CRAZY, NFL SHOP!!
Actually, thumbing through the NFL Shop, they’ve got some really goofy items on sale. How about an Atlanta Falcons dog jersey? Or a plus-sized Eagles coaching polo shirt? And they’re still trying to unload their slew of Daunte Culpepper Dolphins jerseys. You’d be hurting the American economy not to buy these.
New 2007 End of Season Sale [NFLShop.com] (via Dealnews)
Continue Reading January 12th, 2008
It’s come to this. James Dolan is so bored at Knicks games games, he’s brought along Winkles the sockpuppet to entertain him. Of course, he could just replace Isiah Thomas with a more competent coach, but he clearly wouldn’t do that now, after all they’ve been through. After giving him a $24 million extension. After Isiah himself said he was apt. Himself! So it appears that downtrodden Knicks fans will just have to ride out … actually, let me finish that thought after I take a sip of orange juice:
Garden chairman James Dolan recently told confidants that he knows a coaching change must be made and that he is preparing to do just that.
Wasn’t expecting that.
Now I must know which one of Dolan’s advisors slept in this morning and forgot to cut out the NBA glance in the daily paper, replacing it instead with a coupon for Honey Nut Cheerios.
Source: James Dolan Leaning Toward Firing Isiah Thomas Before Season’s End [New York Daily News]
Continue Reading January 12th, 2008
After a loss to the Atlanta Hawks, Udonis Haslem looked at a picture of his family and saw his siblings fading out of focus. He had no choice but to set things right and change the past. See, back on December 18 against the Atlanta Hawks, a last-minute foul that should have gone to Haslem instead was attributed to Shaquille O’Neal. Thusly Shaq got a sixth foul prematurely, and had to make like a tree and sit down for the rest of the game.
The Hawks went onto win, and after commissary review, David Stern said to roll back to the clock and replay the 51.8 seconds, with Shaq picking up only his fifth foul. Know what would be great? If he fouls out ten seconds later.
It sounds like the Hawks stat crew has a history of blunders, which raises the great philosophical question: if there’s a scoring error in Atlanta, and nobody finds it until the next day, does it really impact the standings? Well, Christ, Atlanta was .500 before this game was taken away, and a .500 record is, like, second in the East, I think. So this might actually make some kind of ripple in the standings.
So Atlanta better play well in the final 51.8 seconds. If Dwyane Wade tries to drive to the basket, Al Horford would do well to deny him, or say, “Hey you, get your damn hands off the ball.” This, of course, might constitute a technical foul that would be charged to Joe Johnson.
Back To Fundamental Charlotte Basketball — So if Charlotte beat Boston, and Cleveland beats Charlotte, that means the team that beat the Celtics can’t beat the team who also once beat the Celtics and has also beat another team last year in the playoffs who once beat the Celtics this year. I’ll have a flowchart on your desk explaining all this first thing tomorrow morning.
LeBron James had 31 points, which he’s done several times, but he never had 19 or more rebounds before, and that happened. Anderson Varejao also had a career high in rebounds against the team that initially tried to sign him during that holdout. Awkward? As Charlotte left the court that night, Michael Jordan and Varejao casually caught glances of each other and a Kelly Clarkson song raced through each of their heads.
All Right, We’re Good — All is well in Boston as they got their 30th win against the New Jersey Nets, 86-77. And 30-4 is still just about as impressive as 30-3. Although, if it were my team? Yeah, I’d panic. Panic long and good. 30-4 is, like, a miserable record.
Oh By The Way, Dallas Won — During a break in the Mavericks-Sonics game, Jon Kitna tried to throw a t-shirt into the stands, but the shirt slipped out of his hand and fell harmlessly to his feet. Paris Lenon tried to retrieve the shirt for him, but he accidentally kicked it into the first row.
