I’d like to extend my sincerest thanks to the NFL for allowing me to watch last night’s football game. In fact, If Greg Bryant Gumbel hadn’t been calling the action; I might have even considered it one of the most entertaining games I’d ever watched. (Seriously, he blows.) Did I jump off my couch when Brady went right back to Moss after the dropped long ball? Yes. And I have no legs! But hey, enough of about me — let’s see what the Internets are saying about the Patriots historic 38-35 win over the Giants…
• Eli Manning Plays for 30 Minutes, Tom Brady Plays for 60. Credit to Manning for playing a near flawless first half, but unfortunately for the Giants, football games are 60 minutes. And, obviously, congrats to the Patriots for going 16-0. Now there are only three things left to be decided in 2007: Will Bill Belichick win Coach of the Year (Peter King says yes!) Can New England win it all? And how will Mercury Morris cope? [The Fanhouse]
• Undeniable Patriots Best Giants, Reach Perfection. [Brady going for two after his record-setting TD] about sums it up. Sums up Brady, sums up the Patriots, sums up the game. Some players might be satisfied to have put their team ahead to preserve the undefeated season while breaking the all-time single-season passing record. Tom Brady wanted two more points. Immediately. This isn’t to say the Patriots were total stuffed shirts about the whole thing. Later, they took a team-celebration timeout as the final seconds ticked off the clock, probably the first such timeout I’ve ever witnessed. Bill Belichick cracked an untold number of smiles postgame. Brady was bounding about among his exhausted teammates after the game like a hyperactive kid fed Pixie Stix. [The Patriot Act]
• Was It Worth It? Now that it is over, and the Giants played well and lost — and lost, perhaps, up to three starters to injury — was it worth playing all the starters the entire game in an attempt to beat the Patriots and gather momentum for the playoffs? [The Fifth Down]
• The Hash Post Postgame Report. At least a couple of Giants thought they were hosed by the officials last night. I agree that the personal foul on Amani Toomer in the fourth quarter was ridiculous, but I don’t think Mike Carey’s crew set any records for poor calls. Of course, receiver Plaxico Burress would disagree with me. “That was the worst officiating I’ve been a part of in eight years,” he said. But on a night they pushed the best team in football to the brink, the Giants shouldn’t be whining about the officiating. I’ve seen much worse. [Hashmarks]
• New England Patriots Finish Greatest Regular Season = 16-0. Congratulations to the UNDEFEATED New England Patriots. Savor it, Patriots fans. I will. We have 2 weeks to talk about it all, so enjoy it for now, and Pats Pulpit will have much, much more in the next few days. Go PATRIOTS! [Pats Pulpit]
• Patriots vs. Giants Halftime Report. Get ready to celebrate guys, because these New York Giants just may do the impossible. Hell, even if they don’t, they beat the Patriots in one half of football. Who would have thought they could have done that? Well, I guess me and my colleague Michael Warren did, but… [Giants 101]
Better bust out the good potato chips for this one, folks. Instant history kind of demands an All Dressed rippled. The Patriots close out their 2007 regular season against the New York Giants tonight as they attempt to become the fourth team in the NFL’s 88-year history to finish a regular season undefeated and untied. People are a little bit excited.
Machochip has a few good tips for the Giants to pull off the upset — run the ball, takeaway the deep threat, hit Brady in his model/actress-kissing mouth — but I’d like to add one more: find and start quarterback Kent Graham ASAP! Trust me.
As you know, the game will be aired on the NFL Network, CBS and NBC (8:00 p.m., ET), so lots of choices, sure. But I’m still holding out hope that Goodell okays PBS to simulcast the game too. James Lipton and Norm from This Old House really are the best announcing duo in the business. Enjoy the chips!
Come on, guys, how hard is it to call a goddamn cab? Warren Moon arrested on suspicion of DUI and driving with a suspended license in Washington State. [The Seattle Times]
“No, no, Mom, we need two controllers so we can smash the hallway mirror, all of your fine China, Kate’s Precious Moments figurines, and Grandpa’s surgically repaired kneecaps in half the time. Duh!”
My Christmas holiday summed up in five words or less: Clementines, Toblerones and beer. No joke. A million thanks to Alphonso Jackson, Nancy K. Kopp and, of course, Rick Chandler for filling in while I was gone. Your ‘Body Shop’ gift certificates are in the mail. Now, on to the NBA Closer!
• By The Moon And The Stars And The Sky. I swear, every Saturday “NBA Closer” I write includes a picture of Dwight Howard dunking, some ridiculous stat-line and a Magic victory. Seriously. Howard had 29 points and 21 rebounds and Turkoglu capped a 22-point night with a huge 3-pointer with 11 seconds left as the Magic survived a career high 48 from Wade to beat the Heat 121-114 in OT. The win marked Stan Van Gundy’s first return to South Florida since his — monster finger quotes here — “abrupt resignation” two years ago.
• Aaliyah Was Right. The Blazers are too young. The Pistons are too old. Yes yes, we know. Super sophomores Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge combined for 43 points to push the Blazers over the Wolves for Portland’s league-leading 12th consecutive win. Meanwhile in another NBA arena, Billups, Rasheed and Rip Hamilton — all old — scored in double figures to give the Pistons their season-high seventh straight victory as they pulled past the Pacers, 114-101. Detroit has now won 14 of their last 16 games.
• The Power Of Zen. Kobe scored 31 points before sitting out the fourth as his Lakers beat the Jazz 123-109, giving Phil Jackson his 938th regular-season victory and a share of seventh place with Red Auerbach on the career list. As Naismith would have it, P-Jax will look to pass Red when the Lakers host the C’s on Sunday.
• Yoink! Jason Kapono scored 10 of his 15 points in the fourth quarter to lead the mighty Raptors past the dismal Spurs 83-73. San Ant shot just 32 percent from the floor and coughed the ball over 19 times. Holiday Nightmare Ant nods his mandibles in approval.
Big Daddy Drew’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
There is a phenomenon unique to being an NFL fan that can really, really, really fuck up your holidays. I call it the Nanking Special, wherein all your fantasy teams lose, AND your favorite team loses, all in a single weekend. Now, is it fair to compare a lousy day of football to the systematic bayonet gang rape of Chinese schoolgirls during a particularly brutal Japanese occupation during World War II? I say yes. I mean, we’re talking about one incredibly shitty weekend here. I don’t think it’s an inappropriate analogy at all.
One of the nice things about playing fantasy football is that, if your favorite team loses, you at least get a chance to salvage the week if your fantasy team wins. But when ALL of those teams shit the bed over the course of a single Sunday, it is a most unpleasant feeling indeed. The anal crowbar I got weekend was compounded by the fact that both my fantasy team and my real team not only lost, but did so in the most important games of the year. And not only did they lose, they got fucking killed. And not only THAT, but I had to sit through the Redskins’ beatdown of the Vikings while my parents watched with me, and peppered me with outrageously irritating questions, such as:
-”Say, who’s that Number 94? He’s a big fella! How much do you think he weighs?”
-”Do YOU weigh that much?”
-”Are the Redskins the ones in red?”
-”Is that the coach of the Vikings? He looks like a real dweeb. What kind of coach is he supposed to be?”
-”So, if they win, they make the playoffs? What happens then?”
-”Don’t you think some of these guys are gay?”
-”Have you seen Sweeney Todd yet? Johnny Depp is amazing!”
-”Do the Vikings always play like this? They don’t look very good.”
-”Has anyone ever come back from that much?”
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! FETCH THE CYANIDE!
So yeah, not a good day. I also lost to my Dad in Scrabble by one point. That fucking letter V. WHY CAN’T YOU MAKE A TWO LETTER WORD, YOU PIECE OF SHIT TILE?!
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Titans at Colts: Both the Redskins and Titans can clinch playoff spots this week by beating good teams with “nothing” to play for; playoff teams that will probably be resting their starters during the second half, if not earlier. I’m no expert at picking games, but I will tell you this: Either the Skins or the Titans will find a way to fuck it up. Don’t underestimate Jim Sorgi’s burning desire to impress his parents the one time a year he actually gets on the field.
Patriots at Giants: This game will be simulcast on both NBC and CBS on Saturday night. So even the NFL now acknowledges that the NFL Network sucks.
Cowboys at Redskins
Four Throwgasms
NONE
Three Throwgasms
NONE
Two Throwgasms
Niners at Browns Vikings at Broncos
One Throwgasm
Bills at Eagles: Most fantasy leagues are over now. If your fantasy league is still playing this week, go up to your commissioner and punch him in the nuts for being a fucking idiot. None of the games listed below have any playoff implications, outside of the 3-4 seeds in the AFC playoffs. Fuck ‘em.
Seahawks at Falcons Lions at Packers Jaguars at Texans Panthers at Bucs Bengals at Dolphins Chiefs at Jets Steelers at Ravens Rams at Cardinals Chargers at Raiders Saints at Bears
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
This is the week that most critics release their Top 10 lists for the year. This is also the week that most critics bitch about having to compile said list. “Wah wah! My editor made me do it! Wah wah! It’s not fair to rank art! Wah wah! I can’t possibly pick just 10! Wah wah! I have to listen to free music all day long and get paid for it! Wah wah! I have a gaping maw between my legs!”
Hey Mr. Critic Man, shut the fuck up and hand the list over. You know damn well you enjoy being an arbiter of taste and a factor in award consideration, so shut the fuck up. Top 10 lists are useful because they help readers find out if they’ve missed anything interesting over the course of the year, or if there’s a good recommendation for what’s out now. Get off your high horse and rank that shit. Here were my 10 favorite songs from this year:
1. “I’m Designer,” Queens of the Stone Age
2. “Reckoner,” Radiohead
3. “Misfit Love, “QOTSA
4. “Killing the Light,” Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
5. “Teddy Picker,” Arctic Monkeys
6. “The Prayer,” Bloc Party
7. “Era Vulgaris,” QOTSA
8. “Come Alive,” Foo Fighters
9. “Intervention,” Arcade Fire
10. “The Silence Between Us,” Bob Mould
Got ten you like? Post them in the comments. Then we can all experience the deep satisfaction of foisting our tastes upon others.
Embarassing Cassingle I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
“Scared,” by Dangerous Toys. “Scared” is Peter King’s favorite song. Witness this lyric:
“Hey man now, I think I like being scared,
And I wish you all were there,
Man I really really think, really think that I think,
I like being scared.”
The inspiration is unmistakable. I also assume King jerks off to pictures of Brett Favre while listening to “Teas’n, Pleas’n”
Fantasy Players That Deserve To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Tony Romo, Terrell Owens, Steven Jackson, Chad Johnson, Greg Jennings, Jeremy Shockey, Kolby Smith, LenDale White, Nate Kaeding, and the San Diego defense. Thanks for nothing, you assholes. Especially you, Shockey. I had to start Anthony fucking Becht in the championship game. I didn’t even know he was still in football. FUCK.
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Tony Romo (my PR-24)
• Jeremy Shockey (the man I hired to kill you)
• Chad Johnson (my CRV going 60 mph)
• Terrell Owens (my nina, then you know I’m straight trippin’)
• Greg Jennings (the razor wire trap I set up outside your door)
This Week’s Suicide Pick
Last week’s suicide pool pick of Minnesota was incorrect. Fuck. Off the board now are Minnesota, Baltimore, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, New Orleans, San Diego, Cleveland, Washington, Chicago, Seattle, Denver, Dallas, Green Bay and New England (Record for the year: 10-6). We once again pick a both a suicide pool team and an actual way of committing suicide. This week’s pick: Tampa Bay, and choking on vomit that is not your own in a mystery that is best left unsolved.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Leftover Christmas Cookies. You are looking at meringue mushrooms, and meringue mushrooms fucking rule. My mom didn’t make them this year. God dammit mom, step up to the plate.
I’ll eat any cookie, but some Christmas cookies are better than others. Those boringass sugar cookies you decorate? Those suck. I’ll take a gingerbread man or one of those nougatey things with the powdered sugar over that any day.
Gametime SCOTCH Of The Week
The Dimple Pinch. I got this as a gift this year. Best name for a Scotch ever? Fuck and yes.
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Ravens Fans
Monty Python Live At The Hollywood Bowl. There are three main Python films, but there’s also a sketch movie (And Now For Something Completely Different…), and this live film. I highly recommend it. It’s got Sit On My Face, the parrot sketch, the Whizzo Chocolates sketch, the argument sketch, Silly Walks, the albatross salesman, and more. Plus, the entire audience is on cocaine. Can’t beat that.
Looking for a good top 10 movie list from someone who goes to the movies more than once a year, unlike some big fat dipshit who’s too cheap to spring for a babysitter? Check out Christmas Ape’s choices. My favorite movies this year were “No Country For Old Men” and “Superbad.” But those were just about the ONLY movies I saw all year. At least I chose wisely.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Don’t be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I’m not wearing the hat.”
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: Tyra Banks in what appears to be a sweatkini. I’m not sure this is a great look on Tyra, but it may be just what you’re looking for. I know porn is broken down into fetish groups, but those fetish groups get awfully stale for me. You’ve got your latex fetishes, your stocking fetishes, your foot fetishes, etc. BORING. I think it needs to be far more specialized. I need a extreme denim cutoff subcategory. Or a knit bikini category. Or a tight sweater tank top category. That would be TREMENDOUS. Right now, there’s no easy way to search for a video of chick doing rails off a guy’s cock, and that’s a shame.
• For the gals: Friday Night Lights star Taylor Kitsch. If you’re into rock hard man-nips, bulgy veins, and windswept bangs, Taylor is your boy.
Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week
WE HEAR… that Bill Parcells will replace Cam Cameron with Romeo Crennel. But, if Crennel is not available, Parcells will then replace Cameron with some other kind of very fat puppet. Possibly Grimace.
Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend
“Call it.” -Chigurh
Enjoy the games, everyone. And a Happy New Year to all of you. New Year’s Eve is always the most overrated holiday of the year. Oooh, look! We get to pay $100 to stay at ONE bar all night! And we get to drink all we want, except for any non-well liquor or imported beer! And the line at the bar goes six deep, and there’s only one bartender! And I lost my wristband! What fun! Fuck that. I strongly recommend hitting a house party. You can come over to my place, if you enjoy going to sleep at 9:30.
Just in time for the final week of the NFL regular season, here’s a heartwarming tale of a dad, his 13-year-old son and a trip to a Redskins game. Meet Dick Meyer of the Washington Post, who contends that the level of public aggression, drunkenness and lewdness in the stands these days is at an all-time high. In fact, after his son was flashed by high school cheerleaders and doused with several brands of beer at Redskins Stadium, he compares NFL fan behavior to the decline of ancient Rome.
When the Redskins scored their first touchdown, four young women — I’m guessing they were in high school — turned around and did a little stripper’s dance that made my son blush as I cringed. Even putting aside their ages, it was too cold to bare flesh. Within 10 minutes of kickoff, I knew I had made a terrible mistake taking my son to the game.
So far it doesn’t sound too bad. Meyer disagrees.
I suppose depravity is a strong word. But what better describes drunken adult men, egged on by other grown beer-swillers, belly-shouting the most spectacular obscenities imaginable as they stand next to a 13-year-old boy? Every play was a competition to produce a more vile insult or a different suggestion about which Bear body part might be stuffed up which orifice.
I don’t see many games outside of San Francisco, where the only real controversy occurs when the guy seated in front of you refuses to remove his top hat. Apparently things get a little rowdier when you move east; beginning in, say, Oakland? Are making the stands more family-friendly something for Roger Goodell’s to-do list? Or are NFL fans behaving exactly the way nature intended?
I’d like to extend my sincerest thanks to the NFL for allowing me to watch last night’s football game. In fact, If 
Better bust out the good potato chips for this one, folks. Instant history kind of demands an All Dressed rippled. The Patriots close out their 2007 regular season against the New York Giants tonight as they attempt to become the fourth team in the NFL’s 88-year history to finish a regular season undefeated and untied. 
My Christmas holiday summed up in five words or less: Clementines, Toblerones and beer. No joke. A million thanks to Alphonso Jackson, Nancy K. Kopp and, of course, Rick Chandler for filling in while I was gone. Your ‘Body Shop’ gift certificates are in the mail. Now, on to the NBA Closer!
Big Daddy Drew’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon. 
Just in time for the final week of the NFL regular season, here’s a heartwarming tale of a dad, his 13-year-old son and a trip to a Redskins game. Meet 
