Technically, this is an elimination game for the NFC wild-card chase, but it’s difficult to be too inspired by that; let’s just go with the Storied Franchises label. It’s the last hope for Redskins fans and Bears fans. Let’s see how many names and football terms Bryant Gumbel gets wrong.
Curt Schilling, on his immaculately typed blog this week, blasted the new Baseball Writers Association rule that says anyone who has an incentive in their contract to win an MVP or Cy Young award will be ineligible. There’s money to be lost, but that doesn’t seem to be his issue; actually, we’re not sure what his issue is, though it does give him license to hammer Bill Conlin, which is kind of funny. (Check your email, Curt: An angry missive is surely coming!)
Anyway, the “Schilling Clause” got Mental Floss thinking: What are the weirdest contract clauses in history? Our favorite is their favorite, the case of one Charlie Kerfeld:
After a spectacular rookie season in 1986, the rotund reliever who always pitched in his lucky Jetsons t-shirt needed a new contract. Kerfeld asked for $110,037.37, matching his number 37 jersey, to pitch in 1987. On top of that, he received 37 boxes of orange Jell-O in the deal. The Astros would soon regret this delicious bonus, though; Kerfeld, who was famously caught eating ribs in the dugout that season, would battle weight and injury problems and get sent down to the minors.
Actually … now that we’re thinking about it … someone should check Schilling’s contract for a Jell-O clause, as well.
Big Daddy Drew’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
Over Thanksgiving weekend, I watched two college games that went into overtime. One was the LSU-Arkansas game. The other was the Tennessee-Kentucky game. There was nothing about either of these games that was not beyond fucking awesome. At one point, I totally thought LSU was gonna win. Then I totally thought Arkansas was gonna win. And then I went BACK to thinking LSU was gonna win. And so on. I was riveted. And I don’t even give a shit about Louisiana, Arkansas, Tennessee or Kentucky. Those are retard states. If an asteroid destroyed all of them, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be sad, especially if Emeril Legasse were killed in the blast.
Now, I know this space is usually reserved for cheap, gratuitous dick jokes and flagrant displays of my music and film taste. And rest assured, it still is. Like this one time I was masturbating and I cleaned it up with Charmin, only Charmin’s a very delicate tissue, so little bits of it stuck to my cock, then I had to spend a solid five minutes trying to get the residual pilled Charmin off my cock, only to end up turned on again. We’ve still got plenty of time for things of that nature. But the Jamboroo is also a haven for new and crazy ideas as well. Who called for the abolition of the PAT? I did. Suck on that, Football Outsiders.
That’s why I’m calling on the NFL to switch to the college overtime format. Now, I know this idea is totally original and revolutionary. No one could have possibly thought of it before me. Perhaps you aren’t prepared for just how fucking radical this is. That’s why I’ve prepared a simple FAQ to help answer your questions about it.
Q: Why switch to the college overtime format?
A: Because it’s fucking sweet. There’s a shitload of scoring, and going for it on 4th down, and two-point conversions, and all the exciting stuff that makes football great. It’s like regular football, on steroids. In fact, since regular football is already on steroids, it’s like regular football, on steroids that haven’t even been synthesized yet. Remember that Boise St.-OU Fiesta Bowl? Imagine that kind of ending during a playoff game. I’d need a catheter, it would be so cool.
Q: But doesn’t that dilute the sanctity of the game?
A: I thought about this as well. And here was my conclusion: FUCK THE SANCTITY OF THE GAME. Who gives a shit? Are there any fans of college ball who wish they had the NFL’s overtime format? Or that they had ties back? No. The purity of the game is overrated. The whole reason these games are played is to entertain fans. And college overtime is kickass entertainment. The average NFL overtime game now consists of one team winning the toss, mounting a decent drive, then positioning themselves for a lameass field goal to win the game. BOR-ING. I like it better when you gotta match the other team TD for TD. SCORE OR DIE, BITCH!
One other bonus: You get to squeal with delight as you watch the players go through the agonizing roller coaster of emotions during the overtime. You should see those college kids on the sideline. They treat it like it’s life and death! It’s great theater for me, the viewer who has nothing on the line. Put it in the NFL, and there’d be so much handholding on the sidelines, Jeff Garcia would stain his girdle.
I don’t give a shit if it’s a gimmicky way to end a game. I like gimmicks. Hey, when’s the next Weird Al Yankovic album come out? That’s guy’s hysterical!
Q: Yeah, but if they went to the college overtime, wouldn’t pussy coaches like Joe Gibbs kick a field goal on first down at the 25 and then pray his defense hangs on?
A: He sure would. And that’s what I like about the college overtime: It weeds out all the pussy coaches. Only the coaches with balls the size of Stephen Furst’s head survive. Say goodbye to Joe Gibbs, and say hello again to Buddy Ryan!
Q: What about stats? It’s kinda lame when a QB is credited with 5 TD passes, 4 of which came during the overtime.
A: It is kinda lame. Then again, the fuck do I care? So some records get broken in an unnatural form. BFD. Does it really take away from your enjoyment of the game? No. Let me tell you one more reason why college overtime would be awesome in the NFL: FANTASY STATS. Let’s say you’re playing against Tom Brady this week. Looks like you’re really up shit creek, right? Not so fast! Turns out you’re playing Horse Balls Anderson the same week he has a 10-TD performance in a 7-overtime shootout! Plus he got lots of crazyass two-point conversions! Nice!
Q: Yeah, but couldn’t you get fucked over in fantasy for the same reason?
A: Yeah, I guess. But still, what a way to lose! There’s nothing more fun in fantasy than bitching to friends about how your team got completely ass-raped thanks to some fluky performance from one of the other guy’s players in the Sunday night game. (”I was up by 40, but he had Romo! Motherfucker!”) Now it can happen every week!
The real reason I want the college overtime to happen is because it’s another chance to watch MORE football. Same reason I want Saturday afternoon football back. Most NFL overtimes don’t last very long. And, if they do, it’s because both teams fucking suck. At least, with the college overtime, those sucky teams would find new and creative ways to piss the game away. A regular Dolphins-Niners game would be tantamount to skull rape. But that same game going into college overtime? MAGIC!
Think about it, league officials. If the games are longer, then that’s more ad revenue for you. Why, soon we could do away with “60 Minutes” altogether. And that would be great, because if I see one more goddamn piece about a child piano prodigy, I will burn a fucking Steinway in effigy. So make it happen, Goodell. And don’t listen to Paul Zimmerman when you do it. He’s an old pile of shit.
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Steelers at Patriots: To those of you that would like to see the Pats go 19-0 just to shut up the ‘72 Dolphins, I’ll reiterate a point I made earlier in the year I made on KSK: Are the ‘72 Dolphins or their fans really that annoying? So they have a drink every year when the last unbeaten team loses. Big fucking deal. It’s not like they do it on live TV. Besides, they’re all practically dead now. And it’s not like you get obnoxious Dolphins fans at the bar running around going, “14-0 in ‘72, BABY!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”
Jesus, that’s nothing compared to the tidal wave of douchebaggery that would wash up if New England went undefeated. It could last fucking decades. Belichick will replace the Dolphins’ annual tradition by ritually slaughtering a baby calf and consuming it raw. Fuck, those Patriot fans are annoying as shit RIGHT NOW, and the season isn’t even finished yet. Are you telling me that’s worth shutting up Larry Csonka? The cure is worse than the disease, I tell you!
Four Throwgasms
Cardinals at Seahawks: Again, it’s Leitch vs. Ufford! And this time, the playoffs could be on the line! The stakes are even higher! Whose writing is more florid? Who gets to boast more about how little sleep they get? Who’s befriended more fellow writers? Who’s more likely to listen to a TV On The Radio CD from beginning to end? This could decide it once and for all!
Giants at Eagles
Three Throwgasms
Colts at Ravens: Those Ravens are so poised! I’m not even sure the Baltimore players know they have a coaching staff.
Redskins at Bears Chargers at Titans
Two Throwgasms
Bucs at Texans Vikings at Niners Cowboys at Lions Panthers at Jaguars Rams at Bengals Raiders at Packers Browns at Jets Chiefs at Broncos
One Throwgasm
Dolphins at Bills: It’s time to call it. The Dolphins are gonna go 0-16. Their best shot at winning at least one game came and went with the Jets game. Not only did they lose, they got fucking destroyed. And the Bills, the team they nearly beat, get them at home this week. Left on the schedule are Buffalo, Baltimore, New England and Cincy. They’re screwed. I’m sorry, Dolphin fans. I really am. It blows. At least you’ll get a chance to draft Colt Brennan now, or whichever college QB is arbitrarily thrown at the top of the world’s mock drafts.
Saints at Falcons
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“It’s So Easy”, by Guns N’ Roses. I remember the first time a friend lent me a dub of Appetite to listen to. And when this song came on, and when Axl shouted out, “You think you’re so cool. Why don’t you just… FUCK OFF!” well, that was just about the greatest thing ever. I felt like I was listening to something I shouldn’t have, and very few songs make me feel that way anymore. Except for the occasional Cannibal Corpse song, of course. Should I be listening to “Hacksaw Decapitation?” No, I should not.
“It’s So Easy” is just such a fucking MEAN song. It really fit in well with my attitudes towards girls back then. Back then, girls wouldn’t give me the time of day. So when I heard the lyrics:
Ya get nuthin’ for nuthin’ if that’s what you do,
Turn around bitch, I got a use for you.
Besides, you ain’t got nuthin’ better to do,
And I’m bored.
Man, that really puts things in perspective for me. Was I the most well-adjusted kid on my block? Fuck and yes.
For about a year, I thought Slash was the guy who sang this track, because the vocals on it are so diametrically opposed to the Axl’s on “Jungle”. And sometimes, I still like to imagine that Slash really is the one singing it. I don’t know why. Maybe because Axl went insane, gained 700 pounds and started making techno music. That might have something to do with it.
Embarassing Cassingle I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
“Roam,” by The B-52’s. Jesus. I really liked this song once? Christ, I’m gay. I feel like The Big Lead. Though I bet that Kate Pierson was an absolute wildcat in the sack. Very bouncy lady. Remember “Candy?” You know damn well Iggy Pop hit that shit.
If I may, I’d like to say how very nice it is to have the musical technology that we have today. I remember getting excited in the 1980’s when they introduced the clear cassette tape to music buyers. Until then, all cassettes came in the same off-white color. When they switched to clear plastic, my mind was blown. “Holy shit! You can see the tape spools! That is awesome! It’s like I’m listening to the future!” Yeah, those clear cassettes aren’t so impressive anymore.
Bonus Christmas Music Rant
They play emo Christmas songs at my gym. I’m not kidding. This is a real musical genre, and it must be destroyed. Listen to this steaming wet pile of shit at your own risk. My associate Maj said it best, “Holy crap, that song makes me want to go to the mall and start throwing seventh graders off of the second floor.” Indeed. I realize that liking music is totally subjective, and I don’t like people who judge the musical taste of others. But if you like songs like this, you deserve to have a chainsaw shoved up your ass.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Laurence Maroney. Fuck you, Laurence Maroney. Not only do you suck, but you’ve managed to suck while playing for the most prolific offense in NFL history. Way to go, Laurence. If you were a flavor of Kool Aid, you’d be Bloody Stoolade. Assface. And only Fishburne gets to rock the Laurence with a U. I’m downgrading you to Lawrence until further notice.
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Jeff Garcia (back)
• Chris McAlister (composure)
• Jonathan Ogden (Hammerheadism)
• Kenoy Kennedy (frozen in carbonite)
• Jon Kitna (God not actually real)
This Week’s Suicide Pick
Last week’s suicide pool pick of Tennnessee was correct. Off the board now are Tennnessee, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, New Orleans, San Diego, Cleveland, Washington, Chicago, Seattle, Denver, Dallas, Green Bay and New England (Record for the year: 9-4). We once again pick a both a suicide pool team and an actual way of committing suicide. This week’s pick: Jacksonville, and driving off a cliff with Geena Davis in the passenger seat.
Was Geena Davis hot? My penis and I have wrestled with that question on occasion. She’s got lips like Jolie. But she’s got the body of a WNBA power forward. And she changed by the movie. Thelma & Louise Geena was nice. Accidental Tourist Geena was dowdier than a CalTech grad. I’m not quite sure what to think.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Wasabi peas. I’m not down with wasabi peas. I like my rice cracker/nut mix just fine. There’s no need to add this bizarre Japanese astronaut food to it. And they’re fucking HOT! You may as well insert them directly into your sinuses. The burn lets you know they’re working!
Japan has contributed so much to international cuisine. Sushi is tremendous. And if everything I ate were fried in tempura batter, I wouldn’t object. Yet some of the shit Japanese people like to eat is beyond disgusting (and I say this knowing full well we Americans more than reciprocate). I went to Japan once. 97 percent of all Japanese desserts are made with some sort of jellied bean paste. I assure you it’s as horrible as it sounds.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
King Cobra Premium Malt Liquor. 40 fluid ounces of pure alibi. You can’t be held accountable for what you do after downing a bottle of this shit. You’ll black out and wake up in Moscow, only to realize you’re right in the middle of orchestrating an international shipment of methamphetamine while simultaneously fucking a pony.
I like the fact that King Cobra, like all malt liquors, is named after something that can kill you. It’s very appropriate. This is some aggressive, deadly shit. Once you get to the bottom third of the 40, we’re talking about drinking pure turpentine. Beware!
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Dolphins Fans
No Way Out, which features one of the bitchinest sex scenes of all time (they do it in the limo! And the jolly black chauffeur almost gets to watch!), and is a damn good movie to boot. Here’s the plot: Kevin Costner gets involved with the mistress of Gene Hackman, who is his boss. Then, one night, Hackman murders her in a fit of rage, which Costner witnesses. As Costner flees the scene, Hackman sees him running away from the house but doesn’t recognize him. Costner is then assigned by Hackman to find the guy he saw fleeing, so that Hackman can pin the murder on him. In other words, Costner is charged with tracking himself down and framing himself! Now THAT, my friends, is a complicated plot. That’s why Sean Young’s tits are there, to give your noggin the occasional breather.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“I’ll join! I’m filled with piss and vinegar! At first, I was just filled with vinegar!”
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: Former Playboy model Brooke Richards. Fact: 40 percent of all Playboy models are named Brooke.
• For the gals: A shirtless Milo Ventimiglia. I’m getting a little tired of “Heroes” killing off characters only to bring them back an episode later.
Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week
WE HEAR… that Joe Gibbs had to ask a referee if he could call back-to-back timeouts. He then asked the same referee what year it was, then requested a copy of that day’s newspaper to verify it.
Three Questions Sideline Reporters Should Ask But Won’t
I’m ditching this section. It’s dumb. Well, dumber, I should say.
Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend
“I don’t like people who come here: ‘Ooh, we did it this way, we did it that way.’ I just wanna go do it this way. If you like. If you don’t… Team playing? I call it team individuality. It’s a new, it’s like a management style. Again guilty, unorthodox, sue me.” -David Brent
Considering the charges against him — and the public opinion forces, going all the way up to President bush — one would think Barry Bonds’ legal team would be coming together and preparing a fierce, scorched earth strategy to take down what are arguably pumped-up charges. One would be wrong.
Much of the disarray can be traced back to Mr. Bonds’s advisers. Unlike many celebrity defendants who respond to legal woes with flotillas of high-paid lawyers and public-relations experts, Mr. Bonds has largely depended on a high-school friend who works as a private investigator and bodyguard for guidance on hiring lawyers and laying out legal strategy, say several people working on the case. Meanwhile, his legal team has been spearheaded by Michael Rains, an attorney who usually defends police officers accused of misconduct in state court and who has little federal experience. In August, the slugger added John Burris, a plaintiffs lawyer with whom Mr. Rains has a contentious history, and whom Mr. Rains didn’t want on the case.
Bonds is scheduled to be arraigned in San Francisco tomorrow; we find it amusing to imagine Lionel Hutz is representing him. “Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I’ll be defending you on the charge of… lying under oath! Wow! Even if I lose, I’ll be famous!”
• Subscription to newsletter, Baseball Alumni News
• Official MLBPAA Polo Shirt
• Official MLBPAA Embroidered Baseball Hat
• Two (2) $5 coupons to MLBPAA Legends Clubhouse E-Store where you can buy autographed memorabilia and MLBPAA apparel
• 10% off all purchases on MLB.com
• Alumni membership card and certificate suitable for framing
• “Members Only” opportunities to access former players at Alumni sponsored events
• Four (4) Free Tickets to MLBPAA Legends Games currently held in Clearwater, Florida
• Ability to forward memorabilia and/or fan mail to Alumni members (limit 6 per year)
• 40-60% off Nike Merchandise
• $10 of your membership dues will go to support our Legends for Youth free baseball clinics
You know, what makes someone feel like more a member of the team than the ability to “forward fan mail to Alumni members (six per year)?” We know this association is serious, though; if you look at that page again, you’ll see they’ve misspelled “Ripkin.” If you join, you can correct them, but limit six per year.
One of the stars of the Diamondbacks’ improbable 2007 season was Micah Owings, the pitcher who could hit better than almost everybody else in Arizona’s lineup. In the offseason, teams look for every advantage they can find, to fill every hole. The D-Backs are getting creative; they’re thinking of putting Owings at first base.
Micah Owings’ bat could get a little more play next season, and we’re not just talking about pinch-hitting appearances. Owings, who last season made 27 starts out of the Diamondbacks’ rotation and posted a 4.30 ERA, could find his way onto the field, perhaps at first base. “It’s potentially, depending on how our roster looks, an option,” manager Bob Melvin said Tuesday during a Q&A session with reporters.
As much as we might enjoy a Brooks Kieschnick situation, we know, oh how we know, that sometimes this doesn’t turn out the way one might hope. It might be fun to see, though; we bet he hits better than Cesar freaking Izturis.
Andruw Jones signed with the Dodgers yesterday — the money seems a bit high, but the two-year commitment wouldn’t seem crippling to us — and Dontrelle and Tubby McTubberson headed to Detroit, and that’s pretty much all that came out of baseball’s winter meetings, which end today. So, perhaps Johan Santana can move on with his life now.
For all the talk that blogs and talk radio spread unsubstantiated rumors and hearsay, just about every team has been associated with a Johan Santana trade, when, in fact, nobody knows anything. The Yankees, with Hank Steinbrenner doing his undignified gallop to catch up with this father’s ghost, have dropped out (until they haven’t), the Red Sox are waiting around and now the dipping their toes in. Strangely, they’re resistant to add Jose Reyes to a trade; we can’t imagine why. There isn’t a single story about baseball in the last month that hasn’t included Johan Santana’s name, and not a single thing has happened. Nobody knows anything.
The NBA Closer is written by our own Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he’s not busy scouring the box scores, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast. Huzzah!
• Wasted. I hate having to throw food out that’s gone bad. It drives me nuts. “Oh, look, pork chops are on sale,” my girlfriend will say. “We should pick up a few extras. Throw ‘em in the freezer for later.” OK, sure. That makes sense, right? NO! It doesn’t! You want to know why? BECAUSE WE NEVER THROW ‘EM IN THE FUCKIN’ FREEZER FOR LATER! Instead we get home, she throws eight or nine perfectly good meat products into the fridge, we forgot about them, they eventually go bad, I yell, she yells, I really yell, she cries, my ass is on the couch. Repeat every three weeks. Segue: Allen Iverson is an expired pork chop. A.I. tied a career best with 33 points in the first half and finished with 51 (!), but the Nuggets couldn’t hold off Kobe and his Lakers in a 111-107 loss.
• Sans Stars. LeBron sits with a sprained left index finger; Cavs lose 105-86 to the Wizards. Kidd sits with a “migraine” (ahem); Nets lose 100-93 to the Marbury and Curry-less Knicks. Duncan sits with a rusty robotic leg; Spurs beat the Mavericks 97-95. *Scratches head* Don’t worry, man. It’ll all make sense when we’re stoned.
• Labcabincanada. Leandro Barbosa scored 35 points, STEPHEN J. NASH had a season-high 18 assists and Shawn Marion picked up a double-double (two milk, two sugar) as the Suns set a season high in points, out Runnin’ the Raptors 136-123. “Offensively we were just awesome,” Suns coach Mike D’Antoni said. “They’re a good defensive team. They’ve been holding people to 43 per cent. But c’mon, they’re Canadian.”
• Whodunit? Kevin Garnett scored, Paul Pierce rebounded and Ray Allen hit a few threes. Final score: Celtics 113, Sixers 103. OK, now to good stuff. According to the AP report, Pierce scolded a few teammates for having too much fun and screaming to some music before the game. Any guesses? I’ll say Mrs. Pollard in the locker room with The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me”. You?
Curt Schilling, on his immaculately typed blog this week, 
Big Daddy Drew’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon. 
Considering the charges against him — and the public opinion forces, going all the way up to President bush — one would think Barry Bonds’ legal team would be coming together and preparing a fierce, scorched earth strategy to take down what are arguably pumped-up charges. One would be wrong.
Always wanted to get close to your favorite baseball players, but only in a corporate, officially licensed, non-transferable type of way? You’re in luck: 
One of the stars of the Diamondbacks’ improbable 2007 season was Micah Owings, the pitcher who could hit better than almost everybody else in Arizona’s lineup. In the offseason, teams look for every advantage they can find, to fill every hole. The D-Backs are getting creative; they’re thinking of putting Owings at first base.
Andruw Jones 
The NBA Closer is written by our own Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he’s not busy scouring the box scores, he can be heard on 
