Watching the Knicks these days is a brutal, glorious experience; last night’s loss to the Celtics was the nadir in a season full of them. And the centerpiece of the madness is, of course, Stephon Marbury, the Tracy Jordan of the NBA. He’s mesmerizing; we can’t look away.
In order to understand Marbury, we think we must look into his past. Therefore, we’ve asked The Assimilated Negro to break down various Marbury-related videos from the past to try to get in the man’s mind. The first installment of Deconstructing Starbury is after the jump.
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In the past couple years Knicks fans have had to come to terms with the fact that their point guard and team leader is a true-and-living insaniac. A lot of the evidence for this is available on You Tube and the internet at large in the form of clips and interviews etc. So in the interest of trying to make some sense of the nonsensical we will begin the process of Deconstructing Starbury, the New York Knicks are not going to win an NBA Championship anytime soon, but at the least we can dissect Captain Crazy and see how this all happened.
Appropriately we will start at the beginning, the oldest video we could find, with then high school prep star Stephon Marbuy in 1994.
0 - 1:15
Highlights: Early Delusions of Grandeur, How To Fake Laugh, The Half inch of Humility, The Familiar Refrain.
Analysis: So right out the gate we can see how deeply rooted Stephon’s delusions of grandeur go when Sam Roberts asks “when did you start playing basketball?” Stephon tells him “2 or 3 years old.” Sam Roberts is stunned, and Stephon clarifies that by “playing basketball” he means “hitting the rim.” Then Roberts, still incredulous, presumably because he has seen a few 2 or 3 year olds in his day, and a few basketballs, and a few regulation basketball rims and knows a little about physics and gravity and such and with this knowledge you might be a little incredulous also, asks, “did you succeed?”
Of course he did. This is what the kids like to call “shit-talk.” It is the first language of young athletes, especially those in urban environs.
At 43 seconds in we get the perfect corny joke and fake laugh exchange.
“You weren’t this tall when you were 2 or 3?”
“Naw, hahahahahahah.”
Funny stuff. I don’t know if it tells us anything, but its good to isolate and identify these false moments. For the children.
One consistently confounding thing about Marbury’s particular strain of mental malaise is the extreme polarity. With Stephon’s insanity, and I can only presume with other crazies as well, a big part of that the willingness to represent oneself in fairly contradictory ways. For example, being both incredibly vain and incredibly humble. We see this in effect here when after likening himself to a two year old Hercules, Stephon self-effaces:
“Your’e 6′2″ now.”
“No I”m 6′ 1″ AND A HALF.”
Ahhh yes. Marbury? More like Stephon Modesty. I’d liken this to having a conversation with God and you point to all the heavens and the earth and say, “did you make all this” and God says, “well everything except the packing peanuts and condoms.”
“You didn’t make the condoms?”
“Naw, hahahahaha.”
This segment ends with a familiar response template for Knicks fans. I think Stephon has scored 19 after every game he’s played, and he also always does “alright, but not his best.” The only thing that has changed is the winning. Here he won, now he doesn’t. I guess he wins less as the competition rises. Stephon must know this also, deep inside. I suspect this will be a theme we see in future vids.
1:15 - 2:00.
We are introduced to Nunyo Demasio in this section. His breathing is strained, and he’s making me nervous. I’m not sure why he keeps looking at me/ the camera. No one else is doing that. Every time he does it I feel like he’s giving me, and only me, some sort of secret subliminal message about where Stephon Marbury hides his treasure in Coney Island. We all know Stephon has a treasure chest of money buried somewhere in Coney Island so that should anything befall him he can always go home dig it up and be ok. This is fact. Nunyo Demasio knows where it is. And he’s nervous about it. Now I am too.
2:00 - 3:33
This is an interesting section of the interview. First of all Nunyo and Marbury seem to square off a little for control of the interview. Unfortunately trying to riff on Stephon’s family leaves Demasio vulnerable to Marbury’s more intimate knowledge.
But we get an extended whiff of defensiveness from Stephon in the section on his brothers who were all high school basketball stars now doing regular, if not menial, work. His rundown of what his brothers are doing is somewhat telling. You can see the evolution.
One brother works at a boy club, just got his degree at Weaver State College. The unimpressive reality of this hits Stephon as he talks about his next brother causing him to blank out on something we figure Stephon — who’s been playing ball since 2 or 3 and has 4 basketball playing siblings — would never blank on. “He went to the Clippers for uhh, what was it … uh ….. CAMP>” Hmmmm, yes. NBA Training Camp. By the time his nervous licking of his lips comes around, I totally understand, ’cause my mouth is dry as well.
“You feeling self-conscious about your brothers?”
“Naw hahahahahaa.”
3:33 - 5:05
Nunyo tells us what’s behind the Stephon legend, while still talking directly to ME. He’s convinced that Stephon has a special charisma. Which with 13 years of hindsight we can now say is a dubious assertion at best. Not that some people don’t like Stephon, but it demands an articulation on the distinction between a likable personality, and someone who is afforded respect because they are talented and/or wealthy. Jury might still be out on Step; after all, he did bag that intern in the back of the truck, which likely demands at least a little charisma, but what we can tell for sure from this video is that Nunyo’s lack of charisma makes certain that he’d be impressed by Marbury regardless.
“You been laid recently, Nunyo?”
“Naw, hahahahahahaaaah”
5:05 - End
Perhaps the most important part of the video. In response to what he’s doing after school Stephon says he’s going to school and, “if i happen to make it to the NBA, you know, god willing, if i don’t, I would like to be a lawyer.”
Stephon Marbury Esq. Attorney at law-yer. I can see the infomercial now. Anyone hating on Stephon running the point should ponder that other possibility for the rest of the week.
The news you’ve been waiting for is finally here: The Barry Bonds steroids case is going to be made into a movie! When I first heard about it I was hopeful that it would co-star Tim Allen and involve Barry finding the true meaning of Christmas. But no, it’s going to be based on Game of Shadows; you know, the book that made reading cool again for kids.
HBO Films is planning to turn a best selling book about Barry Bonds’ alleged steroid use and the federal government’s wide-ranging probe into performance enhancing drug use in sports into a movie, one of the book’s authors said Thursday. Lance Williams, a reporter at the San Francisco Chronicle, said that Ron Shelton has been tapped to direct the flick and will co-write the script with “Tin Cup” partner John Norville once the Hollywood writers strike is settled.
Suggested working titles:
• Needle Park
• Vince Conte Hears A Who
• Mr. Magorium’s HGH Emporium
• Big
If Smush Parker wasn’t your favorite player in the NBA before this week — and dammit, he should have been! — he certainly is making a plea for your heart now.
Yomara McKenzie, 41, told police Parker injured her left arm in an attempt to get his keys at a condo building at 355 Biscayne Blvd on Tuesday morning. According to a Miami police report, Parker was told he owed a $12 fee but believed he had paid it the night before.
Smush is making $2.2 million this year, which you might think would allow him to easily afford a $12 parking fee, or at least not twist some lady’s arm just to avoid it. But a man’s gotta get paid, and christ, have you seen gas prices lately? Parker’s agent says he wasn’t near an ATM, hence his frustration. Been there, man … BEEN THERE. Freaking Bank Of America … $2.95 to get cash? Are you kidding? She’s lucky it was just her damned arm.
Of all the possible scenarios going into last night’s Epic And Unwatched De Facto NFC Championship Game, the one we hadn’t considered involved Brett Favre getting hurt and pulled in the second quarter. The only scenario less likely was Aaron Rodgers actually bringing the Packers back … and that almost happened.
That said, as Matt Mosely points out, Favre wasn’t exactly tearing it up before he hurt himself either. We just returned from a quick, one-day trip to Dallas — we left before the game started — and we had no idea Tony Romo had been promoted to Roger Staubach status. The guy actually was on the radio doing an advertisement for Curves, the female weight loss gym. The guy should run for mayor. Say what you will about Cowboys fans, but they don’t hold grudges; nobody remembers the whole playoff business from last year.
When you’re 11-1, we suppose it’s easy to let that slide. Favre’s supposed to be back next week, because he’s an American Hero.
We don’t blame Jerry Jones — seen here hugging Brett Favre after a Packers-Cowboys game from years past; you can tell it was a while ago, because you can’t see Jones’ skull — for not understanding that not every football fan can just switch from Time Warner (which doesn’t carry the NFL Network and therefore won’t be showing tonight’s game in the Dallas area). If owners understood what life was like for the average fan, well, they wouldn’t be owners.
Anyway, it’s the biggest NFC game of the season tonight, and millions of people won’t be able to watch it. And those who can will be muting Bryant Gumbel. It’s the Ice Bowl all over again, except it’s warmer in Dallas, everyone’s wearing appropriate protective gear and the players will have money to live off when they retire. Packers-Cowboys: Should be fun, if you’re into that whole “fun” thing.
Determined to ruin a good thing, the Boston Globe somehow decided that the Patriots need a theme song. The easy way to do this would be to search through Tom Brady’s iTunes folder until something clicks (Huey Lewis and the News!), but no, the Globe is putting it up to a vote. Poems, slogans and Christmas carols are also eligible, by the way.
Our friends at Gawker occasionally record random TV shows during the week, and they came across this episode of “Tyra.” Apparently this is a show.
Anyway, the program was a “transgender beauty pageant,” which helped serve as a vivid reminder of why America is so hated. But this woman/man/whatever claims that she once dated an NBA player before she told him of her “situation.” Fun! Our heart wants to say it’s Kobe, but, sadly, our head is guessing the late, great Eddie Griffin. It seems up his alley.
Big Daddy Drew’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
This weekend marks the end of the college football regular season. College Football: Where Momentum Goes To Die!™ For years, after the end of the college regular season, the NFL would broadcast two afternoon games on Saturday in December. But starting last year, when the NFL Network began broadcasting its own Saturday night game, those two afternoon games suddenly, and inexplicably, disappeared.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
This rant is aimed squarely at Paul Tagliabue, who presided over this idiotic scheduling change, and Roger “The Ginger Hammer” Goodell, who has allowed it to continue for yet another year. Listen very carefully, you two, to what I am about to say:
FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU BLIND.
Why the FUCK did you get rid of Saturday afternoon football in December? What possible purpose could it serve? Is it because you want the NFL Network game to be some kind of showcase game or some shit like that? Well, FUCK THAT. Fuck your network and fuck you. And fuck Bryant Gumbel.
“Ooh, look Cris! The (looks down at paper) Pack-ers of… Green Bay? Really? Green Bay has a team? I thought Green Bay was just a paper mill town! Anyway, the Pack-ers have scored another touchgoal! That bearded fellow throwing the goatskin is quite adept!”
I can fully appreciate a Saturday night game without being deprived of the previous games in the afternoon, thank you very much. Last I checked, the Sunday night games on NBC do just fine as part of a daylong triple-header. Ideally, December should be a time when you get an orgy of NFL football on both Sunday AND Saturday.
So why the fuck isn’t this happening? I remember hearing about the advent of the Saturday night game last year and thinking to myself, “Oh, great! Now I can watch three games that day!” I was excited to watch MORE football. See how that works, Tweedledee and Tweedlebuttfucker? When I found out the day games were eliminated, I didn’t think to myself, “Oh boy! Now I can really focus on that night game!” I thought, “FUCK THOSE FUCKING FUCKS. FUCK. KILL. MAIM.”
I expect this kind of stupidity from college football (”Hey, this season’s getting pretty exciting! Let’s all take a month off!”), but not from you. Without any NFL games on Saturday, there’s no football to watch at all. I have to watch college basketball a good eight years before it begins to get interesting, or the fucking Skins Game, or some other bullshit like that. It’s like the offseason has already started. And the NFL offseason is already SEVEN FUCKING MONTHS LONG, okay? I don’t need a reminder of that during the season, you two. Christ, it’s already Week 13. I’m running out of football here, God dammit!
These games are precious to me. I’d like to watch as many of them as possible. If you restore the Saturday afternoon games, fans like me can, you know, FUCKING WATCH THEM, and make even more money for the TV networks, and for you. See how that works? I’m blindly loyal to your product. Yet you seem to view this as some sort of problem. Why would you scrap those games? Now I gotta spend my December Saturdays talking to my wife, or reading, or carving my initials into my arm, or going fucking Christmas shopping. GAH, Christmas shopping! See what you two have reduced me to?
Two years ago, Tiki Barber and Larry Johnson staged one of the best fantasy back duels in recent memory on a Saturday afternoon. I remember watching it in a bar. It was awesome. And now, such a lovely Saturday afternoon is no longer possible. Why? Fuck if I know. So, Paul and Rog:
BRING THE FUCKING SATURDAY AFTERNOON GAMES BACK OR I WILL FIND YOU AND TEAR OFF YOUR SCROTUM AND THEN WIPE MY ASS WITH IT AND THEN FEED IT TO YOU.
I call that move the Pakistani Beef Jerky. Don’t make me give it a whirl.
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Packers at Cowboys: Are you a Packer or Cowboy fan that no longer lives in your hometown? Well then, you get to spend Thursday night in a crowded bar! Yes, the best NFC game of the year is only available on the NFL Network, and on local stations in Dallas Milwaukee, and Green Bay. This is the result of squabbling between the NFL and the big cable carriers. Here are some fun quotes from both sides of the debate. And by “fun,” I mean “retarded.”
Roger Goodell: “The NFL Network was created simply as a vehicle to bring more football to fans.”
Really, Rog? Is that why you then eliminated the Saturday afternoon games? To bring more football to me? I guess that less literally IS more! Oh, thank you, kind sir!
Comcast Chairdouche David Cohen: “We will protect our customers from having to pay for a network that we don’t think all of them would necessarily want to view.”
You mean there are cable networks that not EVERYONE would want to view? “Niche” channels, as it were? Say it ain’t so! I know I spend my time watching EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NETWORK available on my system. Can’t get enough of that Eternal Word! Or Fine Living! I can’t imagine a world where the purpose of cable television is to present customers with variety! Dumbfuck.
But wait, there’s more! From Time Warner VP Of Aggravated Idiocy Ron McMillan: “We’re not hearing from our customers about this.”
A cable company not hearing from customers? Could it be because they NEVER ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE?
And finally, from the Double-J himself: “The cable companies are screwing with our fans, if you will.”
Yes. The cable companies are fucking you over. But just them! The NFL is completely innocent! All it did was move programming that had previously been available for no additional charge onto their own network in order to get more money out of you! Don’t you see how magnanimous a gesture that is?
I hope both sides get ass cancer.
Jaguars at Colts: With all of the Colts’ injuries, along with their inevitable post-Super Bowl general malaise, there won’t be a better opportunity for the Jags to overtake Indy in the division. That’s why they’ll lose this game by about 30.
Four Throwgasms
Patriots at Ravens: The Patriots are a mortal lock to break the all-time team scoring record held by the 1998 Vikings. The coordinator for those Vikings? Why, Brian Billick, of course. Those Vikings scored 556 points, roughly 456 more points than the cumulative total of all Billick-coached teams since!
Bengals at Steelers: Stay tuned for World Championship Harness Racing on the Heinz Field turf just before the game! George Toma’s rolling over in his grave as we speak!
Three Throwgasms
Lions at Vikings: Purple Jesus is back! Just in time to shred all the other ligaments in his knee! Thanks, Brad Childress!
Seahawks at Eagles Giants at Bears Bucs at Saints Browns at Cardinals
Two Throwgasms
Bills at Redskins: Just this one time: Go Skins.
Chargers at Chiefs Texans at Titans Broncos at Raiders
One Throwgasm
Niners at Panthers Jets at Dolphins Falcons at Rams
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“I Get Wet”, by Andrew WK, who pulls triple duty as a rock star, a motivational speaker, and my personal online avatar. I love Andrew WK’s first album, and I really enjoyed seeing him in concert at Irving Plaza in Manhattan. He dropped balloons on the crowd! He carried an audience member on his shoulders! (But not me. He’s not stupid.) He grabbed a water bottle and did indeed get wet! Fuck yeah!
But even I have to accept that AWK’s philosophical musings are a touch, uh, incoherent. I dare you to try and read this interview in its entirety. I started off thinking AWK was saying something important. It was only halfway in when I realized, “Wait, this guy is kinda retarded.” Witness this passage:
What’s my perception of others, what’s my perception of myself? How had I been operating and how will I now operate with what I’d like to think is an increased awareness? Not just an awareness of what’s going on around me, not just attempting to perceive more, but to perceive more about what I’m perceiving and to think about how I think.
In other words, AWK is unsure of his perception of his perception, but will attempt to perceive more about what he is perceiving and how he perceives how he is perceiving. Wait, what? I think he just broke his meta.
Stick to more basic themes, AWK. Let your music be your guide. I’ll never stop loving “Take It Off”!
Embarassing Cassingle I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
“Deeper Shade Of Soul,” by Urban Dance Squad. The perfect hip-hop song to rap along to if you’re a suburban white kid with an average flow of 4 beats per minute. They spit lyrics in this song about as fast as Christy Brown can write his full name. I half expect the song to just stop after 60 seconds.
Did I rap along to this song? HELL 2 DA YAW. I used this song to patent my white rapper head bobbing technique, the technique used by all white rappers across the globe, even the good ones. Want to learn it? Just follow these five steps:
1. Tilt your head to the right.
2. Bob your head three times.
3. Tilt you head to the left.
4. Bob your head three times.
5. Repeat ad infinitum.
If you want, go ahead and throw in the classic Ad Rock half-smirk anywhere in between. It really drives the douchiness home.
UDS was a group from Holland. This video is clearly meant to brand the group as a bunch of laid-back Californians. But judging by this photo, the group somehow veered wildly off course and ended up becoming some sort of hip hop version of the Village People. Ooh! Ooh! Dibs on the army guy! He’s cute!
Bonus Cannibal Corpse Item!!!!!
We’re now full bore into the holiday season. And, instead of Christmas music this year, why not fill your home with the dulcet tones of Buffalo’s own Cannibal Corpse? I don’t listen to Cannibal Corpse’s music, but I have long admired them from afar, ever since first seeing them in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. I strongly urge you to check out CC’s discography, featuring some of the most poetic song titles in the history of music. You’ll get such classics as:
• “Meat Hook Sodomy”
• “Hammer Smashed Face”
• “From Skin To Liquid”
• “Puncture Wound Massacre”
• “Mummified In Barbed Wire”
• “Orgasm Through Torture”
• “Necropedophile”
• “Nothing Left To Mutilate”
You’ll also get such bonus tracks as “I Cum Blood”! Cumming blood? Sounds like someone’s been hanging out with one groupie too many!
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Cedric Benson. Well, well, well, Benson. It appears that you just had a season-ending injury to your leg. Wait, did I say leg? Because I think the real reason you can’t play again this year is because of your ENORMOUS VAGINAL CANYON. Your vagina is so big, I could park Laurence Maroney’s car in it. I could hold my company’s holiday party in it. Hell, I could probably lead a geological survey into it and find fossils dating back to the Mesozoic era. You worthless fucking crybaby.
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Santonio Holmes (ankle)
• Cedric Benson (mile-wide gash)
• Mike Shanahan (special teams)
• Donovan McNabb (Philly crowd’s affinity for inconsistent white quarterbacking over inconsistent black quarterbacking)
• Shawne Merriman (Puncture Wound FIESTA!)
This Week’s Suicide Pick
Last week’s suicide pool pick of Pittsburgh was correct. Off the board now are Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, New Orleans, San Diego, Cleveland, Washington, Chicago, Seattle, Denver, Dallas, Green Bay and New England (Record for the year: 8-4). We once again pick a both a suicide pool team and an actual way of committing suicide. This week’s pick: Tennnessee, and lighting yourself on fire.
“Why that’s a pretty blue!” If lighting yourself on fire makes you this goddamn funny, everyone should do it. An important lesson from Master Pryor here: “When you’re on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way.” If that’s the case, we should definitely light Frank Gore on fire. It can only help his numbers.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Mixed Nuts. I’m onto you, nut makers. For years, you nut people have “busted” out your canisters of mixed nuts thinking customers like me wouldn’t notice that your salty, oily cartel has, for decades now, conspired to keep all mixed nut assortments at least 50 percent Brazil nuts. Well, I NOTICED. I noticed big time, dammit. I’m onto your ruse.
That fucking Brazil nut is nothing more than a big goddamn space-eater, thrown into the mix to keep you from having to give up your more precious nuts, such as the cashew or the almond. Well, no more! I’m calling you out on it! J’accuse! Nobody eats the Brazil nuts. Ever notice that no one sells jars of nothing BUT Brazil nuts? I did. Know why? ‘Cause no one would buy that shit. Those big nuts are mealy and disgusting. They should be used to feed starving children, or to choke the dog with. Instead, I have to dig into the nut dish to make sure my handful is free of these Jupiter-sized albatrosses. Fucking annoying.
I’m also not wild about you, Mr. Hazelnut. Oh sure, dress you up in chocolate and you’re a tempting mistress. But on your own, you don’t have “it,” baby. You’re like Edgerrin James without the Indy o-line.
The next time you ladies head to a party, check the nut dish. If the host bought a mix free of Brazil nuts, then you know he ain’t no cheapskate. Take him upstairs and give him the oral pleasure he’s rightfully earned.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Yuengling! Yuengling is America’s oldest brewery. Which is funny, because for a solid five years or so, I could’ve sworn this beer was from Japan. Yuengling sounds like the name of a 13-year-old Kyoto concubine. “Come along now, Yuengling! Master needs you to stitch his trousers and make his tea! And to present him with your ‘Dewey Orchid’!”
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Dolphins Fans
Top Secret! I wish they all could be double barrel, wish they all could be double barrel gunnnnnnns…
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn’t - it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such.”
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: Fitness model Dana Hamm, whose last name should really be in the plural form.
• For the gals: Reader Smurphette submits this pic of a shirtless Jason Statham. “Too late! Too late!” will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by!
Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week
WE HEAR… that I accidentally left this item out of last week’s Jamboroo and no one gave a shit. Especially me.
Three Questions Sideline Reporters Should Ask But Won’t
• “Tony Romo! Are you aware that you’ve clinched the league’s smiling crown after just 12 weeks?”
• “Mister Wilbon! Care for some Pakistani beef jerky?”
• “Mister Bidwill, is there any truth to the rumor that all employee bonuses will be paid in Brazil nuts this year?”
Watching the Knicks these days is a brutal, glorious experience; last night’s loss to the Celtics was the nadir in a season full of them. And the centerpiece of the madness is, of course, Stephon Marbury, the Tracy Jordan of the NBA. He’s mesmerizing; we can’t look away.
The news you’ve been waiting for is finally here: The Barry Bonds steroids case 
If Smush Parker wasn’t your favorite player in the NBA before this week — and dammit, he should have been! — he certainly is making a plea for your heart now.
Of all the possible scenarios going into last night’s Epic And Unwatched De Facto NFC Championship Game, the one we hadn’t considered involved Brett Favre getting hurt and pulled in the second quarter. The only scenario less likely was Aaron Rodgers actually bringing the Packers back … and that almost happened.
Determined to ruin a good thing, the Boston Globe somehow decided that the Patriots need a theme song. The easy way to do this would be to search through Tom Brady’s iTunes folder until something clicks (Huey Lewis and the News!), but no, 
