We don’t know about the rest of you, but as the National League makes its mad scramble to the finish, with still no playoff spots secured, the team we’re developing an emotional attachment to are the Colorado Rockies.
Over the next four days, the Rockies will play the Dodgers tonight and then host the Diamondbacks for three games with everything lining up perfectly. We know you don’t know the Rockies well: Their starters for the next four games are Franklin Morales, Jeff Francis, Mark Redman and Ubaldo Jimenez. Whoever the heck these guys are, they’re awesome! They’re riding a 10-game win streak at the exact right time, and they’re messing with everything that was supposed to be sacred and set about the National League race. Do you realize that if the Rockies win their next four games, they could end up with the best record in the National League? The Rockies!
We couldn’t be more excited, and we’re not alone. Ride on, Rockies, whoever the heck you are and plan to be.
We are not experts in legal matters — we leave this to Deadspin LLP — but we’d have to think Jose Offerman is gonna have a difficult time convincing a jury that he didn’t attack a minor league pitcher with a bat. But what do we know? Maybe he’ll use the “I thought I saw a mosquito” excuse.
Yes, Offerman has pleaded not guilty in his August attack. His lawyer’s explanation: “Offerman’s attorney Frank Riccio has said he does not believe his client struck the players with a bat.” Oh. OK.
We remind everyone to check out the slideshow, considering there is no video. We think Offerman’s case is incredibly strong.
In the tradition of Michael Jordan (or Derek Jeter) cologne comes a flavor of Jones Soda that’s designed to make your mouth a-water: It’s perspiration soda.
Jones Soda Co. announces today its limited edition Seahawks Collector Pack of five new football-inspired flavors which includes: Dirt Soda, Sports Cream Soda, Perspiration Soda, Natural Field Turf Soda, and Sweet Victory Soda.
“Throughout their career, the average NFL player will spend 2 years of their life in the gym, eat 3 pounds of dirt and perspire 10,000 gallons of sweat. These players must withstand incredibly tough conditions to be ready for every game, which is why we thought we’d bring the fans the full experience in a bottle,” says Peter van Stolk, President & C.E.O. “Now, you can enjoy all the sweat and dirt an NFL player experiences, along with the ultimate taste of Sweet Victory.”
Mmm! If only they could somehow combine the flavors, so we could drink Ball Dirty Sweat Turf Soda Cream. We think that might have been what they were spraying on A-Rod in that last photo.
We’re not sure what we can add to this photo. It’s all yours. But we are curious: Wasn’t it a little weird to see the Yankees celebrating so manically?
That is to say: Isn’t this team three games behind the Red Sox? They’re still in the race, after all; technically, the Red Sox clinched the wild-card a few days ago. Maybe they just don’t like alcohol over there. Not that we wouldn’t enjoy a “GUARANTEED THE WILD CARD AT LEAST” Red Sox T-shirt.
It just seems bizarre to see a team that’s still, technically, in a division race celebrating before the team they’re chasing. We know all that really matters is that you make the playoffs, but this is kind of like breaking out the bunting and streamers when your team is down 7-4 in the ninth.
We think it was just an excuse to do that to A-Rod.
We’re going to be at Shea Stadium tonight to see our Cardinals one last time, but the real drama will be with the Mets, who are imploding in a rather dramatic way.
The Mets have lost three in a row at home, are just one game up on the Phillies and have the look and feel of a team that died three weeks ago and is just now starting to stink. And Mets fans have had enough.
This team sucks. And they don’t suck in a wet-behind-the-ears way that makes you want to see what they’ll turn into next year. They suck in a way that makes you want them to just go away. Which it certainly looks like they’ll be doing at the end of the week.
And really, honestly, how can you care about this pathetic baseball team? Horrifying mental mistakes, stupefyingly dumb tantrums at umpires, ludicrous mismanagement of the bullpen and roster, listless play and innings and innings and innings of bad baseball — which part of this rancid stew makes you want to remember your boyhood heroes, or daydream about green fields and summer nights? And should the Mets somehow pull out of their death spiral, which part of it makes you want to fork over $75 a night to watch them sleepwalk through the first week of October against the Cubs or Padres?
We caution against that mindset somewhat; we could have said the same thing about our Birds last September, and that turned out rather well. But if the Mets fall behind early tonight, and the Phillies take a lead on the Braves … Shea’s gonna be an ugly place to be tonight.
Big Daddy Drew’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
I do 90 percent of all my NFL viewing from the couch in my living room. Due to a long history of back problems, no doubt exacerbated by my love of Nutella, I cannot sit upright on the couch with any comfort. I must lay sideways on it, with a pillow between my knees. Federal health inspectors have ordered me to incinerate and replace my crotch pillow after every 40 days of use. My wife is convinced that years of accommodating my fat ass have left a sizable depression in the center of the couch.
Mrs.: We have to replace that couch.
Me: Why?
Mrs.: Because it’s sagging the middle.
Me: No, it isn’t.
Mrs.: Yes, it is.
Me: No, it isn’t.
Mrs.: Yes, it is.
Me: No, it isn’t.
Mrs.: Yes, it is. You keep laying on it, and now it’s not comfy to sit on.
Me: Why can’t you just love me?
Mrs.: Jesus.
I’m assuming one day my wife will simply replace the couch without consulting me. And I’m all right with that, as that means I won’t have to take any sort of action. Because that’s what watching the NFL is all about: inaction. It’s about spending an entire day doing as little as humanly possible. Work is for the players. I prefer to remain flat and lifeless, like a dried-out Saharan riverbed.
To that end, it’s important that you not only try and make your viewing setup nice and comfortable, but that you make it extremely uninviting to potentially distracting visitors and family members. Even if I could sit up on my couch, I wouldn’t, because that would be an open invitation to other people to sit on the couch. And I don’t want that. I like to monopolize the entire room, so that everyone else feels unwelcome.
I also like sticking my hand down my mesh shorts, like so.
It’s important to make sure that wrist extends well past the waistband. You need to get a firm grip on those nuts, or else your wife will come grab them, and force you to do things like look at paint sample books, shop for guest room linens, and such and such. Not cool. Don’t forget to sniff those fingers occasionally. It smells bad, but it also smells kinda good. I can’t help myself. I’m also a big fan of not showering, talking only to the screen (”Run a goddamn draw, motherfuckers!”), and leaving all the lights off in the room, so that I blend in with the scenery.
I only get 21 weekends of this a year. So, to be blunt, I’m goddamn entitled to act like a college sophomore who’s just getting over a bad case of scarlet fever. And so are you.
The Games
All games in the Jambaroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Broncos at Colts: Bronco Superfan Tim McKernan, aka Barrel Man, is apparently retiring. I don’t really understand how you retire from being a fan. It’s not, you know, a job. Nevertheless, we should probably pay a quick tribute to Tim, who showed up to every game wearing nothing but a barrel. Which, judging by McKernan’s frame, was not something he considered a piece of novelty clothing. On the contrary, it appears the barrel fit Tim like a glove. According to the article:
McKernan had serious health issues in 2003, when an abdominal aneurysm ruptured. “I still don’t have any stamina,” he said.
I, naturally, am curious as to when McKernan had any stamina to begin with. This guy couldn’t drive a 10K, much less run one, regardless of tummy problems. Still, I salute his 30 years of service showing up for games dressed in a barrel, even though no one asked him to, and even though I’m not sure what the barrel is supposed to signify. There’s probably a hole in that barrel somewhere. I doubt you want to go looking for it.
Four Throwgasms
Patriots at Bengals: Though it’s a long shot, I’d like to see the Bengals pull off the upset here. But, more importantly, I’d like Carson Palmer to find a store that can sell him an upper lip, because I’ll be damned if the guy wasn’t born without a mustache landing pad. Maybe he and Tate Donovan could share one. When Palmer smiles, he looks like he just smelled a stale fart.
Three Throwgasms
Steelers at Cardinals: Russ Grimm and Ken Whisenhunt vow to strike a blow against Affirmative Action when they host the Steelers and the cocky young black guy who…
But there’s additional intrigue to this battle. Kurt Warner, aka “Mark Rypien Jr.,” stepped in last week and nearly rallied the Cardinals to a victory against the Ravens. I think Warner was getting a little bit tired of Jon Kitna taking over the mantle of Official Quarterback Of God. Christians, as you well know, get extremely competitive with one another about just who is giving the most glory to God. After all, the Heavenly Father has many, many children. Surely, he has a favorite or two. I bet his favorite sons get first dibs on nailing Miss Elizabeth up in heaven.
Bears at Lions: Sitting in between the false bravado of Rex Grossman and the drunken everyman that is Kyle Orton is Brian Griese. As you may or may not know, I “interviewed” Griese last year before the season began, and “talked” to him point blank about my good friend Jeremy, who had sex with his ex-girlfriend, who was a cheerleader at Florida State. I’d like to think having sex with an FSU cheerleader is one of those things in life you never stop being proud of. But I’d never know. The only time I had a sexual encounter with a cheerleader was when I dressed up as Maria Bello in A History Of Violence and re-envisioned her sex scene as a one-man play.
Bucs at Panthers: Either the Bucs are surprisingly good, or the NFC is just a total shitheap. I think I’ll go with the latter.
Seahawks at Niners Eagles at Giants
Two Throwgasms:
Chiefs at Chargers: Michael Silver this week argued, quite well I might add, that the Chargers should shitcan Norv Turner right now and either promote Ron Rivera or rehire Marty Schottenheimer, so that they at least have a chance of regaining their footing for the year. What’s astonishing to me is that we’re only three games into the season, and Norv Turner has already fucked up so badly that major figures in sports journalism are proclaiming him a complete train wreck. I’m not sure anyone has fucked something up so badly in such a small amount of time. Except perhaps…
Check out this quote Silver got from a former Oakland player:
“That team is a mess, and you know the players are wondering what the hell is going on… They’re looking to Norv for answers and leadership, and they won’t get it.”
And that’s from a guy in Oakland! If anyone knows something about fucking up, it’s that guy. That place is loaded with shabby leadership. Even in Oakland, Turner stood out as incompetent. Holy shit.
Ravens at Browns
One Throwgasm:
Raiders at Dolphins: Back in the late 80’s, I liked to strap on my Walkman, lie on my bed, listen to “The Call Of The Ktulu” by Metallica very loud and go into a deep and dark place in my mind. Just me and my anger. I imagine this game and the four below it can produce the same effect.
Rams at Cowboys Packers at Vikings Jets at Bills Texans at Falcons
Five Players Who Could Fuck Your Fantasy Team Over
• Brian Leonard (RB) - He’s starting, but the Rams may not run more than 15 times.
• Clinton Portis (RB) - He’s on a bye. My logic is ironclad.
• Antonio Gates (TE) - This is the week LT gets the ball 700 times.
• Steve Smith (WR) - Good Tampa pass D plus girly QB = another dud week
• Marc Bulger (QB) - Oh, NOW you tell us about your 3 cracked ribs? Thanks for nothing, dickface,
Five Players You Might Want To Think About Starting, Only To Have Them Screw You Regardless Of What You End Up Choosing To Do
• Greg Jennings (WR) - No one can run against the Vikings. Then again, running against the Vikings isn’t necessary in any way, shape or form.
• Cedric Benson (RB) - Teams in a rut go to the ground game…
• Brian Griese (QB) - …and, if they’re playing the Lions, the passing game as well.
• Brandon Marshall (WR) - I have no pithy remarks about Brandon Marshall.
• Chad Pennington (QB) - His favorite restaurant is Cracker Barrel. And hey, who doesn’t like crayon mazes on place mats?!
NOTE: All fantasy advice poorly researched and inserted here strictly to confuse you. Last week I suggested benching Derek Anderson, Reggie Bush, and Anquan Boldin, all of whom scored two TD’s. In fact, I STARTED Anderson last week, going against the advice of this column. So even I think I’m a retard. Oh, I also suggested starting Lee Evans, Chester Taylor, and Jeff Garcia. Don’t thank me. Just send me a portion of your losings.
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Steven Jackson (groin)
• Steven Jackson Owners (slashed wrists)
• Kevin Curtis (aggravated letdown)
• Kyle Boller (full body vitiligo)
• Rudi Johnson (Kenny Watson)
This Week’s Suicide Pick
Last week’s suicide pool pick of New England was correct. Now that the Pats are off the board, I’m kind of fucked. We again pick a suicide pool team and a way of committing actual suicide. This week’s pick: Dallas, and constructing a guillotine to chop your own head off (credit to Rob Iracane). Let’s hear a quote from the police chief on this one:
“I can’t even tell you how long it must have taken him to construct,” he said. “This man obviously was very determined to end his life.”
Indeed. I think there’s something truly awesome about making your death your crowning lifetime achievement. Making death life’s payoff is a razor sharp idea. That’s a life that has a straight upward trajectory, my friends. I think this guy’s family should bronze his head, and the wicker basket it fell in.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Curly fries. Sure, regular fries are tasty. But man, they sure are straight. Curly fries are both delicious and make me feel like I’m playing with a Slinky. The curly shape also provides better ketchup retention, as I can drag the curly fry through the ketchup and sort of fill it up, like a cannoli. Plus, curly fries have spicy shit on them. I don’t know what’s in the spicy shit. Probably paprika. And suet. Regardless, it’s fucking nice. Curly fries look like springs, yet they are completely devoid of springing action, which is exactly how I feel after eating a basket.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Bull Ice. Holy shit, you do not fuck with Bull Ice. Take Bull Ice lightly and you will end up lying on the floor of a bread truck covered in blood and sawdust. According to the label, this is “high gravity ice brewed malt liquor.” And that “high gravity” claim is no joke. One sip of Bull Ice increases gravity threefold. Your natural attraction to the ground will never be stronger. Think Coldcock was a strong malt liquor? Bull Ice is 8.2 percent alcohol and 91.8 percent wood polish. A friend of mine finished two 40’s of Bull Ice once. He immediately went on a five-state killing spree. And he didn’t remember a single second of it.
By the way, if you ever wanted to understand just how fucking annoying beer snobs are, check out these reviews of Bull Ice. “Fine sudsy lacing”? What a fucking dipshit.
Sunday Afternoon Film Of The Week For Bills Fans
Nobody’s Fool, based on a book by Richard Russo that I have not read. Russo was a professor at my college. And by “professor,” I mean “famous guy who is technically on the faculty but hasn’t set foot on campus in over a decade.” Instead, my creative writing class was taught by Russo’s friend, an incredibly nice man who, after I graduated, became a woman. Needless to say, he was not a fan of my work.
Nobody’s Fool is a fucking great movie, and not just because Paul Newman gives one of his greatest performances. No, the whole key to the movie’s success is the cameo made by Melanie Griffith’s tits halfway through. I know Griffith’s face and body are now comprised mainly of joint compound. But in 1994, her breasts looked pretty goddamn good. Memorable quote: “You don’t need a leg. You need a parrot.”
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“He’s a foreigner who takes perverted videos of you when you least expect it. He’s Rowdy Roddy Peeper!“
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: Laetitia Casta. Bathe her, and bring her to me.
• For the gals: Aussie actor Guy Pearce, who cleans up pretty nice when he isn’t playing a character who’s gone showerless for seventeen consecutive weeks.
Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week
WE HEAR… that Fox studio host Curt Menefee has not spoken with biological son Kenan Thompson in over twelve years.
Three Questions Sideline Reporters Should Ask But Won’t
• “Reggie, when do you plan on being good?”
• “Peyton! Peyton! I saw into your mind. It was completely devoid of any sexual thoughts. Why am I not surprised?”
• “Rex! What are you still doing here?”
Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend
“You think I’m some guinea fresh off the boat, and you can kick me! But I’m too big for that now! I’m sick a’ taking this crap from you, Leo. I’m sick a’ marching into this goddamn office to kiss your Irish ass! And I’m sick a’ the high hat!” -Johnny Caspar
Correction:
Last week, I forgot to correct an error in the Week 2 Jamboroo that said Tony Romo’s botched snap against Seattle in the playoffs was on an extra point attempt. It was a field goal attempt. I also traded for Lee Evans last week. I’d like to correct that, but fucking Fleaflicker won’t let me.
Reader Andrew Z. would also like me to stop mentioning him in the Jamboroo. He writes:
“I’ve been bombarded the last two Thursdays with emails, the gist being: ‘Dude, you’re so gay.’ More so than usual.”
Noted, Andrew Z. I absolutely will not mention your name in the column again, Andrew Z. No more Andrew Z. here!
Enjoy the games, everyone. Especially you, Andrew Z.!
Rick Chandler, San Franciscan, Giants fan and associate editor of this here site, muses on Barry Bonds’ last home game as a Giant.
And so Barry Lamar Bonds is a Giant no longer. He made his final appearance at AT&T Park on Wednesday, making three unremarkable outs and then departing a bit prematurely in the seventh inning, like Professor Marvel in his hot air balloon. Barry! You were supposed to take us with you! Sigh. All that’s left is Eugenio Velez in left field and an ache in our hearts. And Barry now heads off to that place where all creaky, formerly great players go … the Yankees.
Willie Mays and Willie McCovey were in attendance on Wednesday, and Bonds fans milled about like excited munchkins, holding enormous signs and cheering their hero. Meanwhile, at the Federal Correctional Institution in Dublin, Calif., it was Unlimited Dessert Night, and Greg Anderson had three helpings of lime jello. It is unknown whether Bonds’ former trainer was allowed to watch the game, which the Padres won 11-3. Sometimes they only let you watch one channel in the TV room, from what I understand. I just hope it wasn’t the Democratic debate.
Anderson is in the slammer for refusing to answer grand jury questions on Bonds and steroids; a scene that they omitted from the Bonds tribute video that was shown in the stadium following the game. To me, the real fitting tribute would have been a montage of times that Barry failed to run out ground balls, but I realize that there were time constraints. Whew. Was it really 15 years ago that Bonds arrived at Candlestick Park, comparing his talents as an entertainer to those of Michael Jackson, and wearing a size 7 1/3 cap? From a business standpoint, Bonds may have saved baseball in San Francisco. From a moral and practical perspective, he may have destroyed it for years to come. Yes, when it comes to Barry, “You have my statement.” Even though I’m a lifelong Giants fan, I’ve never liked the guy. Put that in your syringe and smoke it.
But now what? I think that for many of us, we’ve lost our archenemy. Who is Holmes without Moriarty? Luke without Vader? The Meeces without Mr. Jinx? I have all of this cardboard and paint around the house and no one to mock via signage! I feel a little empty inside, and it’s not the Colonblow. Goodbye, Barry. I hated you, and loved every minute of it.
Lions wide receiver Roy Williams is making $1,515,000 this year, which is actually a little less than you might think, considering Jon Kitna is being paid $5 million. Therefore, Williams, under such obvious financial constraints, has to keep a close eye on his bottom line. That is to say: He’s amazingly cheap.
I am cheap, I’m a cheap date. Get you some McDonalds, with some cheese on it and I’m just really cheap, man. I’m very low key, I like to stay home. I like to go bowling on Monday nights and I go to the casino every once and awhile. Other than that, you won’t see Mr. Williams out at all.
There’s no such thing as a tip. But I am really polite and I say ‘Thank you sir.’ … The pizza man knows, when he comes to my address, he’s coming for free. I might just take [a date] to the casino and get her a free buffet. If I did take a date out to a nice place, I’d take her to a nice place, like a Red Lobster or something. It wouldn’t be Morton’s or nothing like that.
For the record, Red Lobster is vastly underrated, particularly on that budget.
We are not experts in legal matters — we leave this to Deadspin LLP — but we’d have to think Jose Offerman is gonna have a difficult time convincing a jury that he 
In the tradition of Michael Jordan (or Derek Jeter) cologne comes a flavor of Jones Soda that’s designed to make your mouth a-water: 
We’re not sure what we can add to this photo. It’s all yours. But we are curious: Wasn’t it a little weird to see the Yankees celebrating so manically?
We’re going to be at Shea Stadium tonight to see our Cardinals one last time, but the real drama will be with the Mets, who are imploding in a 
Big Daddy Drew’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
Lions wide receiver Roy Williams is making $1,515,000 this year, which is actually a little less than you might think, considering Jon Kitna is being paid $5 million. Therefore, Williams, under such obvious financial constraints, has to keep a close eye on his bottom line. That is to say: He’s amazingly cheap.
