Continue Reading September 17th, 2007
The Mighty MJD’s Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.
• Before we even get to the bar today, I glance the news that OJ Simpson is probably going to be arrested soon in connection with an armed robbery. Can you believe this guy? Where did he ever get the idea that he was above the law? Oh, wait.
• Good news … our waitress today has a fantastic body, and she is not shy about using it as a customer-relations tool. She’s flirting and flipping her hair and making sure I have a clear, unobstructed view of her belly button.
• There’s a guy here in an Odell Thurman jersey … the perfect jersey for the man who wants to make the statement, “I fully embrace all illegal activities.” The chances of someone being assaulted in here today just went up by about 75 percent.
• In the second installment under “interesting Bengals attire,” there’s another guy wearing an orange t- shirt that reads, “I AM BENGALS NATION.” If that shirt was purchased anytime before 2002, then this guy is the fucking man.
• Continuing the fashion watch for one more minute … here’s a Giants fan in a Tiki Barber jersey. I like it. Rare is the opportunity to show support for a team by wearing the jersey of a man who hates them.
• I can’t hear what’s going on, but there’s a pregame segment on FOX called “Wal-Mart Rapid Fire.” This gentleman finds that title ironic.
• Bad news … attractive, flirty waitress has been taken away. I guess we weren’t in her section, and that’s a shame, because I’d very much like to be in her section. She’s has been replaced by another attractive girl, though … but new girl appears to only have an interest in bringing us food and beverages. Pricktease.
• Oh, and The Juice estimates her tightness as “average.”
• There’s some pregame footage of Chad Johnson hanging out with a few members of the Cleveland Browns Dawg Pound … one of whom is hugging Chad. Die-hard Browns fan, that guy. If you can get that close to Chad Johnson, and you really love the Browns, you don’t hug him … you take a syringe full of nandrolone, ram it into his ass, and phone in an anonymous tip to league offices that Chad Johnson might be juicing.
• The Titans have an early 4th and inches against the Colts, and Jeff Fisher’s feeling froggy … he’s going for it. And the Colts defense displays a little bit of backbone. Hm.
• Willie Parker, sporting the Steelers 75th anniversary uniforms, including helmets that look like dirty Q-tips, is running all over Buffalo.
• The guy with the Odell Thurman jersey has been joined by a guy in a Patriots t-shirt. No one at that table has any sort of respect for the law or human decency.
• For the second week in a row, DirecTV is running an assload of promos for We Are Marshall on pay-per-view. I think they should turn it into a trilogy like Star Wars, where the good guys triumph over adversity in the first one, evil scores a victory in the second one, and then there are Ewoks in the last one. The second installment can focus on what it’s like to lose 48-35 to New Hampshire, and next year, the team should be comprised entirely of Ewoks.
• At 1:37 in the afternoon, Steve Smith already has two touchdown receptions.
• Early in the game, CBS is showing a “Stat Comparison” between Carson Palmer and Derek Anderson … you’re not going to believe this, but Carson’s numbers are considerably better. CBS might want to go with a headshot or Carson, a headshot of Anderson, call it the “Stat Comparison,” and underneath it, just have, “Is there really a fucking point?”
• So, um … Chris Henry is here. I kid you not. Chris Henry, suspended wide receiver of the Cincinnati Bengals, has entered the establishment. Very few people outside of our table are aware of this. All I know is … if he sits next to the guy in the Odell Thurman jersey, I’m getting the fuck out of here.
• My buddy Doug: “You think he knows the Bengals are playing?”
• He’s sitting in the opposite corner of the room, which would actually be about the worst vantage point to see the TV with the Bengals game on it.
• Jeff Reed, as always, is doing all the scoring in Pittsburgh. 12-0 Steelers.
• Holy shit. Chris Henry and two friends have now moved to our table. He’s with two other guys with him for a total of three, and we have two empty seats, much closer to the Bengals game … I guess he does know they’re playing. They grab a chair from the table next to us and sit down … and yeah, Chris Henry’s at our table.
• The Browns go up 13-7 … they apparently scored a touchdown, but I didn’t see how it happened, and you know what … fuck it.
Me to Chris Henry: Hey man, do you know how the Browns scored?
Chris Henry: (didn’t hear me/ no response)
Me again to Chris Henry: Hey man, do you know how the Browns scored?
Chris Henry: Oh, um … number 84 caught a pass.
Me to Chris Henry: Cool.
Short and curt, but polite enough, I suppose. So there you have it … an exclusive Deadspin interview with Chris Henry.
• I don’t know what I would have found more surprising, if you had told me these two things at the beginning of the day: that Derek Anderson threw a TD pass, or that I’d be asking Chris Henry about it.
• Jeremy Shockey catches a routine pass and acts like he just climbed Mount Everest, found Osama bin Laden at the top, and then killed him by reaching into his chest and pulling out his still-beating heart. I overhear some Giants fan yell, “YEAH, SHOCKEY, GET PUMPED! UGH!” Screw you, pal.
• TJ Houshmandzadeh is wide open in the endzone, and tiptoes down a touchdown pass from Carson Palmer … Chris Henry stood up as the ball was in the air and raised his arms as it was caught. It is difficult to see a television when Chris Henry stands up between you and the television.
• Actually, they’re going to review it now … Houshmandzadeh may not have gotten his feet down. I throw out a “Chris Henry would’ve caught that.” No response. But he does tell one of his friends, “You see that Cover 2? You gotta run that corner.” Enjoy that glimpse into the mind of an NFL receiver.
• Joey Galloway catches a pass from Jeff Garcia, and Joey Galloway … he still has his speed. From the 40-yard-line in, it’s a light jog. What if the Saints lose to the Bucs today … not only does it call into question everything we know about the NFL, but it’s going to set the city of New Orleans back at least a couple of months, since the Saints are rebuilding New Orleans, one win at a time.
• Some Bengal named Holt just took a vicious helmet-to-helmet to hit. The guy just had him lined up and speared him in the face. Ugly. No one in the area — absolutely no one — appears terribly concerned about this Holt fellow.
• Oh, no … Steelers linebackers James Harrison is being stretchered out of the stadium with his head and neck immobilized. Dammit, I hate this. This happened during the last play of the half, by the way, and they went to commercial with no mention of it. They’re just now getting to this news.
• Chad Johnson scores a touchdown and then acts like he’s going to leap into the Dawg Pound, but then has some teammates pretend to hold him back. At least, that’s my interpretation of what happened … I dunno. I’m getting a little bit tired of feeling like I have to gaze excitedly at the TV every time Chad Johnson scores.
• Here’s the replay of the hit that put James Harrison on a stretcher: He was being blocked, leaning inside, and his man pushed him that way … and his head ended up slamming into Casey Hampton’s ass. I’d have thought that area was pretty soft … but it’s hard enough to hurt someone, apparently. I just hope to God that James Harrison is OK … if this gets replayed on every news channel, like the Kevin Everett thing, Casey Hampton is going to develop a complex about the paralyzing nature of his ass.
• By the way, at halftime, Pittsburgh’s run 44 offensive plays, and Buffalo’s run 16.
• All right, now Derek Anderson has 3 touchdown passes … what the fuck is going on?
• Most games are at halftime now, which gives me a chance to catch up on how Joey Harrington’s doing today … I’m still holding out a little bit of hope for Joey. Falcons/Jags highlights, let’s see … Harrington drops back, and is sacked. Harrington drops back again … sacked again. Yeah, it’s still not going well.
• Chris Henry has left the establishment. I’m sorry that wasn’t more eventful, but I’m not that outgoing or gregarious a guy. He didn’t seem to be in the mood to chat with people outside of his little circle anyway … but, you know, he was perfectly well-behaved and polite. No one was drinking, and I didn’t even hear him curse. I think I can tell you pretty definitively that I have a much filthier mouth than does Chris Henry. He and his friends did waste an awful lot of french fries, though. I might call Roger Goodell and tell him that, maybe get a couple of games tacked on to that suspension.
• Chad Johnson scores again … and this time, he does dive into the Dawg Pound, amongst fans who appear to be happy to see him. He jumps in, gets a quick handj from the guy in the bulldog mask, and … all right, THERE you go, Browns fans. Someone poured a beer on him. That’s a little bit more respectable behavior.
• The fucking Browns have 40 points, by the way … this performance from the Bengals defense, I believe, mathematically eliminates them from Super Bowl contention.
• Adam Vinatieri has now missed an extra point and a 36-yard field goal … I find that strange.
• Vince Young competes a touchdown pass to some guy named Roydell Williams … and the Titans are within two.
• Here’s a call you wouldn’t have heard in the NFL 10 years ago … Lee Evans draws a 15-yard personal foul flag for “getting in the face of the official.” I like it, but for more street cred, Mr. Official, next time go with, “getting all up in the grillpiece of the official.”
• My brother’s stopped by … he happens to be passing through town and stops to make a rare Smorgasbord appearance. Now, my brother’s a married man, but he’s also a man who went through a phase where he’d sleep with just about anyone or anything. You put him in an environment like this, where the waitresses are exclusively young and attractive, and at least a portion of the customers are, too … and he just can’t handle it. He’s biting his lip and rocking back and forth in his chair anytime a female walks by. I realize that many of you think that I’m filthy, and don’t get me wrong, that’s completely warranted. But … if you could take a peek inside my brother’s mind on this Sunday afternoon, you’d see something that Larry Flynt would see and say, “No, I think that just goes too far.”
• Eli Manning is in trouble and backpedaling … and oh, that’s a Jake Plummer move. He lightly flicked the ball at the thighs of an approaching defensive lineman, who intercepts it. He did get in on the tackle, though, employing the rare “like a little girl, put your hands on the shoulders of the gigantic man with the ball and hope he loses his balance” technique.
• Green Bay, while we’re on the subject, is beating the hell out of the Giants. Not that I think really highly of the Giants, but … I didn’t see this coming. What if Green Bay is good? I think that would feel very strange. Not that I’m drawing that conclusion yet, because anyone could be 2-0 in the NFC, but … I don’t know, it looks possible. Green Bay might be good.
• And as evidence of that “anyone could be 2-0 in the NFC theory,” San Francisco has moved to 2-0 as Rams kicker Jeff Wilkins leaves a 56-yard potential game-winner short. 0-2 for the Rams, 2-0 for the 49ers.
• Alright, Vince Young has a chance to mount a 2:00-drive here and get the Titans in field goal range. Nice little run there to pick up a first down on 3rd and 9 … pass completed, another first down, we’re near midfield here … another nice-looking throw to — oh, you worthless son of a bitch. Some guy dropped a first down pass that would’ve put them in or very near field goal range for the win. The next play’s a total clusterfuck, and we’re done here. This is why, Tennessee Titans, it isn’t a good idea to spend as much money on your receiving corps as do the Mahoning Valley Thunder.
• Lady E overheard a girl in the ladies room tell someone that she hadn’t been home yet from the night before and was still wearing the same clothes. It’s after 4 p.m. now, by the way … she probably smells terrific. This is the kind of woman in whom my brother would be very interested.
• Cleveland has 538 total yards at the moment and has scored the very rare NFL half-a-hundred. And there’s even a lot of time left … I have absolutely no explanation. Even the fact that the Bengals defense isn’t very good … I wouldn’t have guessed that the Browns could have put up those kind of numbers in 60 minutes on an empty field.
• Sign in Cleveland’s stadium: “CHAD JOHNSON: ALL BLING, NO RING.” Yeah, because the Browns are famous for their rings. That one was right next to the, “HA HA, CHAD JOHNSON WEARS TOO MUCH ORANGE” sign.
• Before the Cowboys/Dolphins game gets underway, Jason Taylor goes over to some Cowboys fans and tears down a sign they had up. I know, the biggest unwritten rule of the NFL is that you don’t mess with a man’s Feng Shui, but come on … it was a completely innocuous sign, something like … “Cowboys fans from (some small hick town in Texas)!” It wasn’t like the sign said, “I gave Jason Taylor’s whore of a mother a dirty sanchez three times last week.” That guy should relax.
• The Raiders are back to more familiar offensive ways. Pinned inside their own two, they run two plays in which the call from the sideline was, “Please, we’re begging you, safety us,” followed by an interception on third down.
• My brother is out of control … he’s the horniest man in a peach sweater-vest that has ever walked the earth. Every 10 minutes or so, he’ll say, “OH MY GOD” and I’ll turn around and expect to see, like … I don’t know, a clown on a unicycle getting head from Courtney Love. But I look, and it’s just some random bar girl walking to the ladies room. If he were here every week, this would go from “The Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord” to “How a Sexual Assault Occurs, Step by Step.”
• The Bengals are at the 50 and have 33 seconds to get a TD … Carson Palmer drops back, he goes long, that’s going to be picked off, and we’re done here. Browns win. I just wonder if Derek Anderson was thinking “fuck Brady Quinn” to himself with every TD pass. This performance just blows my mind.
• I count six 4:00 games today … that seems like an unusually high amount. Is this a shift in league policy?
• CBS is showing their stat leaders of the day, and according to them, Steve Smith recorded 227 receiving yards. I don’t believe that’s accurate … and I don’t understand how CBS is screwing something like that up. Do they have Bill Cowher doing the addition now?
• There goes Devin Hester, doing what Devin Hester does … punt return for a TD, and it’s 14-0 Bears over the hapless Chiefs.
• Oh, now the Raiders have gone and done it … they’ve finally angered God to the point where he will no longer allow them to play football. The Denver/Oakland game has been delayed due to a lightning storm.
• I’d like to propose an idea, just for the safety of everyone at Mile High … let’s take Warren Sapp, cover him entirely in about six inches thick of tinfoil, and perch him atop the stadium to serve as a lightning rod. That would make me feel better about things.
• A gunner on the Dallas punt coverage team is forced out of bounds … and he plows into an assistant coach and just keeps motoring. He gets flagged on the play … because when you’re shoved out of bounds, you have to try immediately to come back in, which seems like a difficult rule to interpret/enforce … but I guess when you take out an assistant coach, though, it draws a little more attention.
• Sign in Arizona at the Cardinals/Seahawks game: “THE WIN STREAK STARTS TODAY.” If they were trying to design a sign that would get maximum usage in Arizona … that’s pretty brilliant.
• Kellen Clemens is not off to an auspicious start for the Jets against Baltimore … his QB rating is currently hovering in the 35 range. I guess someone had to be Derek Anderson today.
• The Denver/Oakland game is back on … either the lightning storm has passed, or Roger Goodell has decided that no one would really miss any of the Raiders, and if it was a Bronco that was killed by a lightning bolt, eh, they’re used to it by now.
• Cecil Sapp sashays into the endzone for the Broncos … what, were you expecting Travis Henry to get all the goal line carries? No, Mike Shanahan hates you and your fantasy team and would like to see you have an aneurysm.
• In this week’s “NFC East Team Struggles With Miami” encounter, Tony Romo, with Joey Porter wrapped around his knees, throws a short TD pass to some guy I’ve never heard of … the Cowboys take a 3rd quarter lead.
• Of course, Dallas is about to pull away in this week’s “NFC East Team Struggles With Miami” encounter, for two reasons … one, they’re better than the Redskins, and two, Trent Green just threw that pass like he thought Chris Chambers was a much faster (and more alive) version of Andre the Giant. Interception.
• Hey, it’s a Jerry Porter sighting … remember when he was going to be a good wide receiver? Yeah, that idea never really took off. Anyway, he gets loose in the Denver secondary for a touchdown, and the Raiders are somehow within 7.
• Wow … and now Jay Cutler is safetied, making it 17-12 Broncos. This game was an offensive pass interference call away from being 24-3 Broncos, and now the Raiders are threatening to actually win in Mile High. That would almost be as shocking as the Cleveland Browns having a potent offensive attack today.
• Rex Grossman … ick. He just overthrew a screen pass by about five yards, and that’s going the other way. Without Devin Hester, this game isn’t worth … well, it’s not really worth watching anyway.
• Hey, the win streak is going to start today … Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander fuck up a handoff exchange, the Cardinals pounce on the fumble, and handsome Neil Rackers hits a 42-yard field goal to give the Birds the win. CAW.
• Derek Hagan of Miami makes an absurd catch … it means absolutely nothing because Miami is terrible, but even on a day with some great catches, that one’s the best. He tipped it with his right, then his left, in traffic, with a man hanging on him … and it serves the noble purpose of keeping the Dolphins within 17 here today.
• Justin McCareins drops what would have been a game-tying TD … wide open, Kellen Clemens hits him in stride from long range … and it bounces off his hands.
• Minnesota and Detroit, in a collective show of futility, both miss potential game-winning field goals in the last minute. This one’s going to overtime … and I’m not going to care that much about what happens from there. Green Bay might actually be the best team in this division. I feel weird about that.
• Ray Lewis, because he’s God’s linebacker, intercepts a pass in the endzone to bring the Jets/Ravens game to a close.
• The Vikings fumble a snap in overtime … the snap is something you’d think they’d have worked out before they got to overtime, but Tavaris Jackson is just intent on being a turnover machine today.
• Meanwhile, Josh McCown throws an interception, which is making overtime in that Oakland/Denver game quite likely. The Raiders will lose, but … this one’s gotta count as a moral victory, yes?
• The Cowboys/Dolphins game, which was on the main TV, has ended … which means that I’m now seeing and hearing the sound from the “Countdown to the Emmys,” and I’m not sticking around for this. Jason Hanson hits a game-winner for Detroit on my way out … but Oakland and Denver, you guys are on your own. The return of the lightning wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world .
A night game in Philadelphia always seems, to us, like asking for trouble. Even if fans actually do go to work today, if they leave at 5 p.m., they’re gonna have enough time to really mess some matters up. Or, you know, paint their bodies.
If you were watching the “Today” show this morning — and we know you were — you might have seen self-promoting fashion designer 
News and notes from Week 2 in the National Football League.
If you ask me, 