Archive for September 9th, 2007
Continue Reading September 9th, 2007
Comparisons of the NFL’s opening weekend to March Madness have never rang truer. If you caught the end of the Broncos and Bills, you know exactly what we mean.
Cutler, with nary a fucking timeout to his name, marched his offense down the field on a drive that converted TWO fourth downs (that I saw) and sent the field goal unit sprinting onto the field with seconds to spare. Elam backpedalled into position and almost instantly charged forward to the ball…and fucking nailed it!
It’s a good thing I put on pants an hour ago, because I would have blasted my load everywhere. Holy shit, what a finish.
Continue Reading September 9th, 2007
What in the blue hell is up with this Taco Bell commercial where cops are doling out high-fives while strings of cheese hanging out of their mouths? Are we supposed to find that appetizing?
Chicago @ San Diego, Fox
Memo to Big Daddy Drew: Lovie Smith may run out of patience with his QB long before you run out of Cumslinger jokes. Sunny San Diego is no stranger to boat-loads of sea-men, but today Sexy Rexy is raising the bar. Oily bohunk Shawne Merriman says he intends to shelve his jackass “Lights Out” dance. We can only hope.
Tampa Bay @ Seattle, Fox
Former Buc Keyshawn Johnson appeared to be dressed as a Good & Plenty box on ESPN’s GameDay this morning. Who will be the lucky Seahawk receiver to light Ronde Barber up like a Christmas tree?
Detroit @ Oakland, Fox
If this is the only game you have, it’s most likely because you are a horrible person who has done awful things in this and/or previous lives. Turn off the the television and spend three hours thinking about the error of your ways. Repent!
Continue Reading September 9th, 2007
Since all of us PC folk are now watching these games via streaming video, these updates are just for you Mac people. But, hey, Jeff Goldblum still thinks, uh, that you’re, ah, a great guy-ee!
/end sorry Jeff Goldblum impersonation
New England 14, New York Jets 7,
If Wes Welker conceives Brady’s next child in 9 months, I won’t be surprised.
Pittsburgh 17, Cleveland 0.
You know you suck when Santonio Holmes is making plays on you.
Tennessee 10, Jacksonville 6.
Kerry Collins actually go in the game to launch a bomb at the end of the second quarter. JAX had six yards rushing in the first half.
Buffalo 7, Denver 6.
Roscoe Parrish ran 74 yards on a punt return for a TD. He still didn’t catch those dang Duke boys.Philadelphia 10, Green Bay 10.
Also…
Houston 10, Kansas City 0.
Carolina 7, St. Louis 7.
Continue Reading September 9th, 2007
We’re five long months away from the Super Bowl, and a lot can happen each week to change the complexion of the league. Still, it’s worth trying to pick your Super Bowl teams now, because if your picks do turn out to be correct, you can be that one fuckface that runs around bragging about how you predicted it. No one in the media misses a chance to do this, so we figured we should probably give it a shot as well.
Drew: Pittsburgh over Dallas
Punter: New Orleans over New England
Ufford: New England over New Orleans
UM: Washington over San Diego (shameless fucking homer)
flubby: New England over Philadelphia
Ape: Seattle over Baltimore
Leitch: New England over Chicago
Jeffri Chadiha (ESPN): Baltimore over Chicago
Sports Illustrated New Orleans over San Diego
Christ, are we a gutless bunch. Frankly, I picked New England to win it all as well, then switched to Pittsburgh just to make this thing look a little less uniform. Yours in the comments.
Continue Reading September 9th, 2007
By the way, this is exactly what the games will look like on my TV, but I don’t give a shit. Football is finally back! We’ll be in and out, and we’ll have updates as we go. Enjoy the games, everyone, and check back when the assgrooves in your respective pieces of furniture need a quick breather.
Continue Reading September 9th, 2007
Some of you have DirecTV. Most of you don’t. In that case, here are some of the sweet games the the NFL has deemed your area unworthy to watch.
Denver @ Buffalo, CBS
J.P. Losman will try to take the ball to the house. Get in there, ball, that’s your home! Are you too good for your home?!?! ANSWER ME!!!
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland, CBS
Have you heard the joke about the fire marshall walking into the firehouse where Steely McBeam and Brady Quinn were practicing CPR? You have? Oh.
Philadelphia @ Green Bay, FOX
Brett Favre will embark on another another sub-par season, unless his team can upgrade at wide receiver or someone else in his family dies.
Kansas City @ Houston, CBS
Fantasy owners have reacted strongly to Chiefs coach Herm Edwards’s decision to split Larry Johnson’s carries today. I hope Coach doesn’t take a motorcade through Dealey Plaza anytime soon.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville, CBS
David Garrard is now the starter. Leftwich is suddenly gonzo. This is why you should never wear suits as a coach. It’s impossible to make good decisions when you look so damn good.
Atlanta @ Minnesota, FOX
Purple Jesus prepares to ascend his throne, and Minnesota looks good at home in this one. Hey, remember “My Little Buttercup” from Three Amigos? You think Falcons QB Joey Harrington knows that song?
New England @ New York Jets, CBS
If the Jets finish worse than 12-4 OR lose their first game, I win $100. This is why all of your sports bets should be with women in Indianapolis.
Carolina @ St. Louis, FOX
I would have taken Stephen Jackson No. 1 this year in any fantasy league. I also like my coffee with sweetener and paste. One of those statements is actually true.
Miami @ Washington, CBS
Our very own The Maj will be in attendance at this game. Unfortunately, tiny black men show up terribly on television without HD. But then again, so do the Redskins.
Continue Reading September 9th, 2007
Last year, MJD provided you with regional coverage maps for the NFL, and we’re happy to have located them once again. Click on the links to find the game in your area, plus the assigned announcing team:
-CBS 1PM games
-FOX 1PM games
-FOX late games
