Continue Reading September 30th, 2007
Because we can’t exactly have you thinking we’re unaware of what went on at the Pink Taco on Sunday … a late night reminder after one of the most exciting sports days we can remember. And that is counting Buffalo. We’ll talk tomorrow.
Continue Reading September 30th, 2007
Steelers 7, Cardinals 7 — Coach Ken Whisenhunt, sure enough, found a time to use Kurt Warner in the game, which happened to be the fourth drive of the game, and he’s been in ever since. His touchdown to Jeremy Urban tied the game. Now, if Warner is the best quarterback to run the 2-minute-drill, no-huddle offense — and he’s more efficient in that than Leinart is from the huddle — shouldn’t he just, um, be the starter until further notice?
Chargers 16, Chiefs 6 — Taking a lead in the first half, Norv Turner solemnly made halftime adjustments in the hopes of making the lead smaller or non-existent.
Buccaneers 17, Panthers 0 — Why in the world does Jeff Garcia win with every team he plays for? Is the NFL actually some sort of Truman Show revolving about Garcia’s movement from team to team?
Seahawks 20, 49ers 0 — For some reason, Trent Dilfer is playing for the Niners. That’s … different. So if it’s any consolation, San Francisco, Barry Manilow and Brian Boitano will be in town in a couple months. Just tough it out.
Colts 28, Broncos 13 — Nothing of shock here, except that it took a while for the Colts lead to be more than one point. Move along, folks.
All right, nation. I’m done for the weekend. And tonight, you get Giants-Eagles. I get The Simpsons. Everyone wins! Except, well, about half of the football and baseball teams who played today.
P.S. - Five teams from the National League are in the playoffs. Did you expect fewer?
Continue Reading September 30th, 2007
As most of you have already seen, Tom Glavine’s outing today didn’t last too long — maybe he was double parked? — as the Florida Marlins lit up Mr. 300 with seven runs in the first inning en-route to an 8-1 win. With that, they needed Philadelphia to lose and force a tie. They’ve been counting on Phillies losses for a while now, and they never seemed to happen.
This means the Phillies are your National League East champions as Jamie Moyer essentially bored the Nationals to death with war stories in a 6-1 victory. Gee, I sure hope the New York tab-sheet newspaper — I forget which one it is — can think of something catchy for their back page about this.
San Diego is also about to suffer a collapse not as cataclysmic as that of the Mets, so we won’t use a Jenga analogy. How about Ker-Plunk? That was slightly less popular than Jenga. Their magic number was at 1 with two games left to play, so it is noteworthy. They’re losing to the Brewers in the final innings, whereas the Rockies are currently tied with the complacent Diamondbacks in the — oh, let’s say the seventh — inning. Barring a miracle comeback for the Padres, all the Rockies have to do is eke out a win over Arizona and they secure a one-game playoff with the Padres for the NL Wild Card.
And since we know the Wild Card won’t come out of the East, the Cubs will officially play the Diamondbacks in the first round. At least those tickets can be printed.
Continue Reading September 30th, 2007
Bills 17, Jets 14 — The J.P. Losman era in Buffalo might go the way of William Henry Harrison after Trent Edwards’ surprising 22-for-28, 234-yard performance. Jets fans are dismayed that their team lost, but encouraged that it was Chad Pennington’s fault, since his last-ditch effort at the end the game was intercepted.
Lions 37, Bears 27 — The Bears are 0-1 with Brian Griese as their quarterback. The Bears are 0-1 with Brian Griese as their quarterback. The Bears are 0-1 with Brian Griese as their quarterback. Update: No, this isn’t the official final score. But it should be, if for no other reason, so I don’t look foolish.
Cowboys 35, Rams 7 — I’m sure Terrell Owens is perfectly content with his 3-catch 33-yard outing in a blowout. Yep. Completely elated indeed.
Browns 27, Ravens 13 — Wow. I’ll never think little of the Cleveland Browns ever again. At least until next week.
Falcons 26, Texans 16 — Not a soul in the world lacks some fraction of sympathy for Joey Harrington, who has played moderately well in his team’s 0-3 start. His 23-for-29, 223-yard, 2-touchdown game has to feel good, like pajama pants right out of the dryer, especially against a surprising team like the Houston Texans.
Raiders 35, Dolphins 17 — Look, you can’t have every quarterback named Trent win on any given day. God didn’t intend for that to happen.
Packers 23, Vikings 16 — The Kelly Holcomb-patented football comeback was found not innovative by the USPTO and was ultimately nullified by Atari Bigby, who picked off Holcomb with about a minute left in the game. Green Bay is 4-0.
Continue Reading September 30th, 2007
Son of a Travis Henry, these Week 4 games are starting off boring. Let’s check how each game stood at halftime, because that’s how the other weekend guys were doing it, I think:
Browns 24, Ravens 6 — Who knew that a team with injuries of varying degrees to Trevor Pryce, Samari Rolle, Ray Lewis, Steve McNair, Jonathan Ogden, and Ed Reed would be losing to Cleveland by three touchdowns? Moreover, who knew Derek Anderson still had offensive touchdowns left in him?
Jets 0, Bills 0 — How Chad Pennington is 15-for-17 with 125 yards and no turnovers has zero points against the Buffalo Bills is beyond me. But in uplifting news, doctors say Kevin Everett finally sat up in bed and changed the channel by himself. This game’s well into the third quarter already, where Marshawn Lynch gave the Bills a 7-0 lead. How generous of him.
Packers 10, Vikings 6 — As mentioned earlier, Favre’s 16-yard strike to Greg Jennings gave him the career touchdown record from Dan Marino, which he’ll keep until about 25 years from now, when media experts agree Jimmy Clausen will break the record. Moreover, there will be no unauthorized biography of Kelly Holcomb, namely because Holcomb will approve just about everything written about him.
Bears 7, Lions 3 — Fox analyst Brian Baldinger equated Shaun Rogers’ blocked kick in the first half to Kevin McHale going up to block a basketball. Even Bill Laimbeer would have been a better outdated reference, since they’re in Detroit and all. However, the ultimate parallel would have been Ben Wallace, because it’s timely and pisses off Detroit Pistons fans.
Cowboys 14, Rams 7 — The only reason the Rams are in this game is because of Dante Hall’s kickoff return for a touchdown. Wait, Dante Hall plays for the Rams now?
Raiders 14, Dolphins 7 — Delayed at kickoff by a lethal combination of lightning strikes and disinterest, Dante Culpepper has two touchdowns already. In the rare times Trent Green didn’t throw the ball for an interception, he handed it off to Ronnie Brown, who has 90 yards and a touchdown. This game’s technically not yet at halftime, but I’m an impatient dude.
Falcons 20, Texans 10 — You’ve been waiting to say it for the first time in your life, now all together: “I can’t believe the Houston Texans are actually losing this game.”
Continue Reading September 30th, 2007
Whenever I see a baseball fight late in the season, I picture Colin Mochrie in front of a green screen trying to figure out what’s going on, saying “Well, it all started over a bowl of soup! And now … look at it!”
With the game already in hand, Florida Marlins’ catcher Miguel Olivo was ejected for charging at Jose Reyes with evil intentions. Reyes was not ejected, and eventually scored in the New York Mets’ 13-0 rout of the Attendanceless Fish. Hopefully this fight is the kind of event that will solidify this young Marlins team and will propel them to finish the season with a win. With just one game left and three games behind Washington for fourth place in the NL East, it won’t be easy to overcome, and some say it’s mathematically impossible. But it’s nothing that Jeffrey Loria’s money can’t solve.
On The Bright Side, That Second Inning Was Amazing. Charlie Manuel decided to pull Adam Eaton in the third inning with two on and one out. But nobody told Manuel that once you remove a pitcher, he can’t pitch later in the game. All things considered, Philly did escape the inning, and the bullpen worked 6 2/3 innings of 3-run ball, but the Washington Nationals only allowed two runs all game. You do the math.
The Phillies and Mets are tied for first in the NL East.
Oh, So That’s Where Mark Redman Went. An All-Star the year he had a 5.71 ERA, Redman is now with the Colorado Rockies and pitched five innings whilst allowing just one run as the Rockies kept their slim Wild Card hopes intact with an 11-1 win over the now-complacent Diamondbacks, who are finally NL West champions because…
Do You Know Who I Am? I’m The Hoffman! …the Padres blew it in the 9th inning and went on to lose in 11 innings to the Brewers, 4-3.
Playoff Scenarios. Christ, they’re complicated, but I think everyone’s favorite one is if the Padres lose, and the Mets, Phillies, and Rockies all win, for they’d all end up 89-73. For this reason, the Diamondbacks might want to consider losing.
So let’s explain how baseball will break this complicated four-way tie:
Monday: The Mets play at the Phillies, winner wins the NL East.
Tuesday: Loser on Monday plays San Diego in a “Wild Card semifinal” game. San Diego would play at home against New York, and they’d have to play on the road at Philadelphia.
Wednesday: Winner on Monday plays a home game against Colorado.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Colorado can also opt to play Tuesday, and Wednesday (if they win), with the only incentive being that they’d play both games at home.
In conclusion, the BASEketball playoff scenarios were easier to follow than this.
Obligatory American League Mention. Meanwhile, with the New York Yankees already aware that they will play the Cleveland Indians in the playoffs, Roger Clemens is already scouting the Indians’ lineup.
Continue Reading September 28th, 2007
All due respect to the playoffs next week, but we can’t fathom a much more exciting turkeyshoot than the National League this weekend. We’re three days away from the end of the season, and not a single team has clinched, with seven still in the chase. It’s insane.
The great Baseball Prospectus Postseason Odds report gives the following percentage chances on surviving the weekend:
• Chicago Cubs: 92.9 percent.
• Arizona Diamondbacks: 82.9 percent.
• San Diego Padres: 65.6 percent.
• Philadelphia Phillies: 59. 1 percent.
• New York Mets: 58.5 percent.
• Colorado Rockies: 34.0 percent.
• Milwaukee Brewers: 7.1 percent.
The series to watch are Washington at Philadelphia, Florida at NY Mets, Chicago Cubs at Cincinnati, San Diego at Milwaukee and Arizona at Colorado. Playoffs? Who needs playoffs?
Continue Reading September 28th, 2007
This young man is Bronson Sardinha, a September callup by the Yankees and a native of Hawaii. You can tell he’s from Hawaii, because he has the strangest middle name we’ve ever heard from a Major League Baseball player.
Sardinha’s middle name? It’s Kiheimahanaomauiakeo. We are heretofore demanding that he change his official player name to Bronson Kiheimahanaomauiakeo. Not only will it make his uniform incredibly entertaining to read — if he leaves the Yankees anyway — but it will make John Sterling’s head spontaneously combust.
Bronson Sardinha Profile [Yankees.com]
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