Continue Reading August 13th, 2007
If you can imagine one player in the NBA who would sing Neil Diamond’s “Forever In Blue Jeans,” who would you guess it would be?
Think.
Think.
Think.
Hey, you’re right … it’s Shane Battier! But you knew that.
Continue Reading August 13th, 2007
Before your proverbial panties are proverbially bunched by Pac Man Jones not really wrestling, the fine gents at Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom remind us that, in the olden days of 12 years ago, NFL players didn’t just wrestle, they headlined Wrestlemania. There was no worry about injury back then, though, because everyone knows you feel no pain when you’re on cocaine.
Continue Reading August 13th, 2007
It really has been bizarre to watch the reaction to Rick Ankiel’s triumphant return to St. Louis as a power-hitting outfielder. We understand that it’s an inspiring story — obviously — but it’s still odd to see a guy we’ve been quietly stalking following for seven years now suddenly leading newscasts. As we mentioned on Friday, it’s like turning on CNN and seeing a Breaking News Alert: “Mattoon, Illinois to open second Hardee’s store.” We’re touched that everyone suddenly cares … but Rick’s ours, you know?
Not for long, as the guy above shows: By Friday’s game, people were writing Ankiel’s name on the back of their shirts, and by Sunday, we actually saw our first legitimate “ANKIEL 24″ jersey. We are glad the gift is being shared with the world … but this kind of intense media attention is kind of what started this whole mess in the first place.
That said, we can’t help but contribute to the problem. By pure happenstance, our yearly visit to Busch Stadium coincided with Ankiel’s first games as a Cardinals outfielder. After the jump, a mostly incomplete and fuzzy report of our trip, specifically Saturday’s game, in which Ankiel hit two homers and a middle-aged woman nearly stuck her finger in our anus.
This is the second season for the new Busch Stadium, and we’re now getting used to it enough to stop calling it “the new Busch.” But for all the supposed downtown revitalization it was expected to inspire, downtown St. Louis remains a dump. There’s some alleged “ballpark village” that’s going in next door, but they haven’t made an inch of progress on it since we were last back in October for the World Series. The highways are too bunched together, the stadium is surrounded by gravel and dust and you’re perpetually one wrong turn away from fisticuffs. St. Louis could have a gorgeous downtown. Why doesn’t it?
Inside, though, the crowd was awash in Ankiel madness. Much to our relief, the majority of Cardinals fans were fully aware of Ankiel’s history and didn’t just think he was some rookie who came out of nowhere. Also: The ladies and those with alternative lifestyles love him. We informed some young woman that Ankiel was married, and she nearly punched us. See? Our man crush isn’t that severe.
It’s difficult to overstate how surreal it is to see “ANKIEL RF” in the lineup and on the scoreboard. We have seen every game Ankiel has played in the outfield so far, and we still aren’t used to it.
A friend pointed out that now-injured Cardinals second baseman looks like Bill Simmons. We agree, and note that, the way Kennedy has been hitting this season, it’s clear they both know an equal amount about the National League.
Anyway, you saw what happened: Ankiel homered twice, and we’re really not gonna say much more about it. We did not have an erection — thank you very much — but yeah: Good day. We’re not gonna go into too much more detail about it, because we kind of want you to still like us.
After the game, we headed to Paddy-O’s, which is St. Louis’ cute equivalent of a Wrigley Field bar. Cardinals broadcasters Al Hrabosky, Mike Shannon and Joe Buck all have similar establishments, but Paddy-O’s is the most successful, because if you stand close enough to the DJ stand, he pours shots in your mouth. This is not to be underestimated. Also: This is a bar that’s much more likely to play “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy” than “Ayo Technology.” Obviously.
You might think this guy is another one of those idiots who puts his own name on the back of his jersey, but you’d be mistaken: He’s actually honoring Baldus de Ubaldis, an Italian jurist who was, in fact, a cardinal. He also invented the notion of turning your baseball cap backwards in order to look more dope.
See, now here’s a definitive problem with having your bachelorette party at Paddy-O’s after a Cardinals game: Some asshole’s gonna take a picture of you dancing with your “Blowjob Bib” and put it on the Internets. You’d think that if she’d go through all this trouble, she’d find somewhere to put her purse.
Fortunately, we found our fun in less conventional places. Namely, with this group of oppressively drunk middle-aged women, one of whom came to us, seeing our Ankiel jersey, and pinched our ass. They offered our father and us a few beers, and we asked what the special occasion was. (They were, after all, dressed up like cheerleaders.) “Whaddya mean? It’s Saturday. It’s the Cardinals! IT’S THE CARDINALS!” They then hugged each other and, defying the laws of physics, jumped up and down and started a cheer.
Our father suggested we take a picture. They obliged. The woman to our left appears to be trying to grab our package with a lunch box, and the woman on our right literally tried to stick her finger down the back of our jeans. We kept it together for the picture. It was, after all, Saturday, and it was the Cardinals.
Continue Reading August 13th, 2007
Believe it or not, folks, the NFL season is much closer than you can possibly imagine. So close, in fact, that, if we’re going to fit in every NFL team preview by the start of the season, we have to go this early. So there you have it.
Last year, we asked some of our favorite writers to opine why Their Favorite Team Was Better Than Yours. Ultimately, we found this constrictive, and it also might have killed James Frey. So this time, we’ve just asked them to just run free, talk about their team, their experience as a fan, their hopes, their dreams, their desires for oral sex. All our teams are now assigned; if you sent us an email and we didn’t get back to you, we’re sorry, and we accept your scorn. But today: The Jacksonville Jaguars.
Your author is Dan Shanoff, who blogs daily and with remarkable shallowness at DanShanoff.com. His words are after the jump.
—————-
One year ago, in this space, I announced my newfound allegiance to the Jaguars. I was inspired by my interest to write a Deadspin NFL team preview; I really didn’t care which team, and the Jags were available. Of course, I couldn’t write the preview without rooting for the team, and I didn’t have an active NFL allegiance. Result: Instant Jags fandom.
It became an experiment to determine whether there is really all that much difference between “Super Fans” and “Sorta Fans.” (Short answer: There isn’t. The real hurdle is “Fan/Not a Fan,” rather than degrees of fandom. Just ask Pats fans, 90 percent of whom didn’t register their “die-hard” fandom until the 2001 season.)
But in the process, I grew to love “my” Jags, sort of like the way you grow to love a girlfriend after sleeping with her on the first date. Since we last talked about it, let me catch you up on what has happened with the Jags - and why there is even more reason for excitement as I head into Jags Fandom, Year 2:
WHUPPED THE CHAMP’S ASS
The good news: Absolutely annihilated the future Super Bowl champion Colts, 44-17, in the type of Week 14 win that makes you sincerely believe that your team has a chance at postseason success.
The bad news: Three weeks (and three straight losses) later, the Jaguars meekly finished the season 8-8 - and on the outside looking in at the playoffs.
Looking ahead: Football Outsiders is so baffled that the ‘06 Jags could perform so well yet so inconsistently that they have them picked as one of their breakout teams for ‘07. You might quibble with F.O. on some things (I don’t), but their track record on projecting overall team performance for the upcoming season is unmatched.
THE “SPACE-DOCK” BACKFIELD
The good news: Maurice Jones-Drew is a revelation at running back, a 5-foot-6 ass-kicking, stat-racking, draftnik-debunking, fantasy-rocking pinball who put up 15 TDs and nearly 1,400 yards combined rushing and receiving yards… as a rookie. Who’s Reggie Bush?
The bad news: If you fantasy-drafted Fred Taylor last season, anticipating him finally having a healthy season, only to see all of his TDs go to MJD. Not that I’m bitter.
Looking ahead: What sucks as a dilemma for fantasy owners rules in real life. Taylor and MJD are the poster pair for the hot new NFL trend to split the “feature” RB role (particularly near the goal line). It hedges a team’s risk and doubles their strategic options. And, consequently, it makes fantasy roster decisions an increasingly maddening process. In honor of Deadspin commenters and the Jags’ backfield, I’m dubbing the strategy the “Space Dock Platoon.” Because, like its real-life counterpart, you are effed either way.
LEFTWICH? IT COULD BE MUCH WORSE
The good news: QB Byron Leftwich is as healthy as he has been in years, in a contract year and paired with a trigger-happy new offensive coordinator (Dick Koetter of Arizona State) who seems to get along with Leftwich fabulously.
The bad news: Coach Jack Del Rio seems to hate Leftwich, to the point that it was an open secret that Del Rio would have liked the team to draft Brady Quinn. Brady Quinn! (I’m ready for Del Rio to go. The only thing less inspiring than the Del Rio Era would be replacing it with the Tice Era.)
Looking ahead: For those of us who consider ourselves Leftwich fans, the fact that the best QB competition that the team could find to pressure Leftwich is Tim Couch shows that the job is Leftwich’s for as long as he is healthy enough to waddle onto the field. (Yes, Leftwich remains so plodding that he makes Drew Bledsoe look like Vince Young.)
THE BEST NICKNAME IN FOOTBALL
The good news: The defense should be even better than last year, with the addition of first-round pick Reggie Nelson, affectionately known on Florida Gators message boards as “RFN”… as in “Reggie Fucking Nelson”… as in “Fuuuuck! Did you just see that play by Reggie Nelson?” When your new safety is so jaw-dropping spectacular that nothing less than the “F-word” can articulate it, you have something special there. (As opposed, say, to Brady Quinn, drafted one pick later than Nelson and more likely to earn the nickname “Fucking douchebag.”)
The bad news: The Jags still play in the brutal AFC, where they will have to beat out the Pats, Colts, Chargers or Ravens to escape the Wild Card round (and out-place the North runner-up, West runner-up, VY and the Mangenius just to MAKE the playoffs).
Looking ahead: One year later, I’m still a believer. Here was my litmus test: During the Yahoo Bloggers’ League fantasy draft, I was set to draft the Jags D as my token “Draft at least one player from a team you root for” pick. Just before my selection, Big Daddy Drew took them. I was crushed, so much so that I immediately drafted the Vikings (Drew’s team) in the hopes he would trade. After mockingly toying with me, he made the deal. I look forward to introducing him and the rest of the league - fantasy and NFL at-large - to Reggie Fucking Nelson.
Continue Reading August 13th, 2007
Far be it from us to impugn the trustworthiness of professional wrestling, but when a court order comes down saying that the headliner of your pay-per-view event “could not touch or be touched, grapple, shove, throw or have anything thrown at him by anyone working for or watching the show,” well, we’re probably not gonna order your pay-per-view. No offense.
Anyway, Pac Man Jones made his “wrestling” “debut” last night, and it was … well, it happened.
“Your contract won’t allow you to touch or be touched. Ain’t that a (expletive),'’ Ron “The Truth” Killings yelled to Jones. “We don’t have to worry about you whipping no one’s (butt) around here. You better watch your back, Pacman.'’
Amusingly, Jones left the event in a neck brace because of a backstage, off-camera “fight.” At least nobody blew up his car.
Pacman Jones Gets ‘Injured’ Without Wrestling [The Tennesseean]
Continue Reading August 13th, 2007
So you know Sonics fans were holding out hope that the Kevin Durant acquisition might spur the new ownership group — which hails from Oklahoma City — to keep the team in Seattle? We wouldn’t hold your breath on that.
In an incredibly odd interview with an Oklahoma newspaper, Aubrey McClendon, one of the new Sonics owners, blatantly admitting that they’re gonna move the team to OK City, even if it costs them money.
McClendon said the team would probably make more money if it stayed in Seattle.
“But we didn’t buy the team to keep it in Seattle; we hoped to come here,” he said. “We know it’s a little more difficult financially here in Oklahoma City, but we think it’s great for the community and if we could break even we’d be thrilled.”
A prediction: The team won’t “break even.” Unless Seattle fans — who McClendon keeps saying “kind of look down their nose at us” — burn down the Sonics’ offices, that team is gone, people, regardless of whatever apologetic press release McClendon sends out today.
Hard Work, Luck Make Billions [Journal Record]
Clay Bennett Is A Liar [Sonics Central]
Sonics Owner Aubrey McClendon: We Bought The Sonics To Move Them To Oklahoma City [Enjoy The Enjoyment]
Continue Reading August 13th, 2007
Peter King says it’s not official yet, but Yahoo Sports — sorry: Yahoo! — has the big scoop: Michael Vick will be suspended for the entire 2007 season.
King says the larger concern for commissioner Roger Goodell is allegations that people were gambling on the dogfights, which sort of makes sense; if you’re going to watch two animals rip each other the shreds, you should at least have some money riding on the outcome. The supposed suspension, according to Yahoo!, should come down this week.
We would point out that Vick has yet to be convicted of anything, therefore making it odd that you could deprive him of his livelihood, but, of course, Goodell’s making a habit out of this, Pac Man Jones, et al. (We’ll be back to Pac Man in a bit, by the way.) It’s probably unfair, but it’s consistently and fairly unfair, so, there’s that.
Meanwhile … we repeat: Vick’s not gonna ever start an NFL game again. Fortunately, you can still gamble on those.
Vick Suspension Near [Yahoo! Sports]
Newsmakers [SI.com]
Continue Reading August 13th, 2007
It’s Millar time! Um, actually, I’d like to apologize for calling the East for the Red Sox last week. In my defense, they were up by six and it … hey! Who threw that brick? OK look, Boston fans; it’s not the end of the world, no matter what the blogs are saying. It’s just going to take Eric Gagne a few days to get acclimated.
And Kevin Millar has left town … no need to worry about him for awhile. For those who are not Boston fans (and therefore do not have their heads in ovens right now), it was ex-Sox Millar’s game-winning home run that gave the Orioles a 6-3 win over the Sox on Sunday; while Jason Giambi was homering the Yankees to a 5-3 win over the Indians. And when the dust had cleared, Boston’s lead in the East had shrunk to four games. Well, time to buck up, Red Sox fans. So Joe Torre is talking serious smack,* so what? So it’s Boston’s smallest lead over New York since May 1, who cares? As a wise man once said, it wasn’t over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, and it ain’t over now. But how about some props for the Orioles, who faced Daisuke Matsuzaka, Josh Beckett and Curt Schilling in the three-game series and took two of three? (Boston had won 11 straight series from the Orioles prior to that). And my favorite part, aside from Amanda Theoharis’ wet t-shirt interview with Millar, above, is the post-game quote by Gagne, courtesy of AP: “We should have won three games out of three and I #### blew two of them,'’ Gagne said in a profanity-laced rant. “They brought me in to do a job and I’m not doing it. It’s ridiculous. These guys play eight great innings and I go out there and blow it. It’s a shame.'’ So if you want to crown ‘em, crown ‘em!
• Jenks Bellies Up To The Barr. Even though his team lost, Bobby Jenks pitched a perfect ninth for the White Sox on Sunday, breaking David Wells’ American League record and tying the major league record of 41 straight batters retired … giving me the opportunity to show you THIS! You are gazing on the features of former Giants hurler Jim Barr; a baseball card which I actually own, and may be worth more than ever now that Jenks has tied MLB record. Barr set the mark for San Francisco in 1972, the year after the Giants won the NL West and the year before they traded Willie Mays to the Mets. Anyway, Jeff Weaver threw his second shutout of the season and Adrian Beltre had a two-run homer to lead the Mariners on Sunday, 6-0.
• Moyer, The Ancient One. Ryan Howard’s three-run moon shot led the Sillies over the Braves 5-3, making a winner of Jamie Moyer (11-8).
• Mr. Met Does The Cabbage Patch Dance. And that’s good news for the Mets, who beat the Marlins 10-4 behind Moises Alou’s two home runs.
• Rockies 6, Cubs 3. Man, doesn’t anyone want to win the NL Central?
* = I feel compelled to point out that it’s a fake interview.
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