Archive for August 11th, 2007
Continue Reading August 11th, 2007
Rick Guttormson had it all. Baseball talent, beautiful hair, a last name that rolls off the tongue, and the adoration of countless Japanese fan dancers. When the American Dream doesn’t come through for someone, this is probably the next best thing. Then it all came crashing down in the form of a 20-game suspension from Japanese baseball for using the hair restoration agent Finasteride, a banned substance.
It’s not that the Japanese want players to lose their hair, but rather Finasteride can be used to mask other banned substances. The blog With Malice notes that Guttormson had been taking Finasteride for two years. Besides, nobody in baseball needs to be using Rogaine or other hair treatments. That’s what the hats are for. They protected Matt Williams from a perception of baldness for years. Although I suppose hats could also be used to mask steroids, provided you hid the syringes underneath the hat. Which might explain the 2003 season when Rafael Palmeiro insisted on wearing that British Grenadier Guard helmet.
So now Guttormson — who pitched a no-hitter last year in Japan — becomes the first ballplayer in Japan suspended under the new drug policy. Now he’ll just have to sit and stew in a miasma of shame and thinning hair, until his triumphant return with the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks, using his new-found aerodynamic cranium to blow the ball by unsuspecting Japanese batters and their jet-black luxurious locks.
Ex-Mariner Fails Drug Test In Japan [Seattle P-I/Associated Press]
Bad Hair Day [With Malice]
Continue Reading August 11th, 2007
Jake Delhomme. Bojangles chicken ‘n biscuits. It’s a match made in marketing heaven. (My tipster deftly notes how the black market biscuit dealer in the commercial resembles Vinny Testaverde. Somewhere, Gino Torretta is hocking imitation Sonic tater tots.) [Charlotte.com]
Continue Reading August 11th, 2007
And now, boys and girls, it’s time for a love story. It may resemble one you yourself have encountered, except this one involves people prettier than you. It’s a story we’ve all heard: boy meets girl, girl is a cheerleader, boy meets another cheerleader, girls lose jobs because of boy, boy wins back girl … um, somehow.
The boy is Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley. The cheerleader — one of them, the important one — is former Redskins cheerleader Christy Oglevee. They’re going to get married next May, despite a rendezvous two years ago with Cooley, Oglevee, and another Redskins cheerleader t hat resulted in the cheerleaders violating a policy of “fraternizing with players” (they use the unsexiest phrases, these corporate policies) and ultimately losing their jobs. The article does a poor job of delving into this get-together at Cooley’s house, or how Cooley stopped dating one cheerleader and began dating the next. Perhaps a Seinfeldian “switch” was executed to perfection. Thankfully, love persevered — it really doesn’t say how, so I’m just gonna safely assume “mind-blowing sex” — and now the happy, pretty people are an item.
If you think the bride-to-be’s family doesn’t approve of Cooley’s wild lifestyle, you should ask Mr. Oglevee, who, for his daughter’s 21st birthday party, partied with Cooley by each doing 21 shots of Jim Beam. I’m guessing whoever finished last had to wear the tight shorts.
Captain Chaos Finds His First Mate [Washington Post]
Continue Reading August 11th, 2007
Because Romeo Crennel can’t decide which of his Cleveland Browns should start at quarterback for the first preseason game, he’ll do the noble thing: flip a coin. Maybe before the game, refs will decide who receives the ball first based on which team performed best at training camp. [Sox & Dawgs]
Continue Reading August 11th, 2007
When we last left our intrepid yet suspended NFL hero, which was yesterday, we were speculating the possibility of wrestlers exacting revenge on Pacman Jones for what one of Jones’ lackeys did to a strip club bouncer-slash-wrestling hopeful. So either the Tennessee Titans are afraid something might happen to him during these rasslin’ matches, or they just don’t want Jones to earn any sort of paycheck this year.
The Titans received a court order saying Jones can’t fake wrestle, which is to take place on Sunday on pay-per-view. To the best of my knowledge, the court order says nothing of real wrestling. Rulon Gardner anxiously awaits.
Seriously, Pacman, why even try to make any sort of appearance on a cable channel not named the NFL Network? I mean, some households actually get pay-per-view television. If it’s danger you’re a-jonesin’ for, there’s always sword swallowing, walking on burning coals, BASE jumping, and having Navin Johnson’s wife throw knives at the balloon in your mouth. And none of those dangerous, thrilling sports compete with the NFL Network, because it’s all televised on stunning bootleg HDTV.
Titans Don’t Want ‘Pacman’ Wrestling [AP/Forbes]
Will They Make It Rain On Pac Man’s Face? [127.0.0.1]
Continue Reading August 11th, 2007
• Ha-Ha, My Win Cancels Out Your Win. Looks like the NL Central is the lone division that knows how to orchestrate a damn pennant race. The Chicago Cubs won 6-2 over the Colorado Rockies, and they remain just ½ game behind the Milwaukee Brewers. The Brewers also won, but with a smaller margin of victory, and they needed more innings to do it. Yet the wins are equal in nature. Doesn’t seem fair, you say? Well that’s because you’re a Cubs fan and looking for any excuse that allows the Cubs to scratch their way into first place. But we all agreed upon these rules over 100 years ago. It’s out of my hands.
• Final Score? Or City Unemployment Rates?. The bats were relatively silent in the Oakland A’s 16-10 win over the Detroit Tigers, namely because the bats were drowned out by this loud sucking noise emanating from the Tigers bullpen. Jack Cust hit a grand slam for the A’s — part of an 8-run sixth inning — and wound up with 7 RBI in all. In fact, the only Tigers reliever who pitched a scoreless inning was Fernando Rodney. Go figure.
• Go Phil Hughrself. Cue the “Here come the Yankees” headlines. Wait … they’ve already begun? Cue nothing then. The 21-year-old Phil Hughes shut down the Cleveland Indians lineup, allowing just one run over six innings in a 6-1 victory. Wilson Betemit did not contribute to this win.
• No, No, Throw Toward Your Teammate. After the first inning, the Philadelphia Phillies and Atlanta Braves were on pace to finish the game tied 36-36. This didn’t happen, and I’m out a grand. The only other time home plate was stomped on was in the seventh, thanks to a throwing error. The Phillies won 5-4, vaulting ahead of the Braves in the NL East. (For second place.)
• Fun Fact: They Also Play On The West Coast. A pitchers duel between the Minnesota Twins (Scott Baker) and the LA Angels (Kelvim Escobar) ended in Baker’s gun misfiring, prompting Maicer Izturis to hit his first ever grand slam. Isn’t that how it always goes? The Angels won 10-1.
