Free Neifi!:

Continue Reading July 6th, 2007

Neifi Perez, batting .172 with one homer, has been banned for 25 games for using “a banned stimulant.” As Abraham Lincoln once said: “Find out what it was so I can give some to all my generals.” [MSNBC]

Minor Enterprise: The Kansas City T-Bones Will Bag You A Possum

Continue Reading July 6th, 2007

What’s coming up in the world of minor league baseball … we proudly give you Rick Chandler’s Minor Enterprise!

Your team may don camouflage uniforms with our boys in the military in mind, but not the Kansas City T-Bones. The Independent Northern League squad has opted for a hunting theme this weekend, and their motto will be safety first, as one can see by the bright orange caps and sleeves in our photo here. Yes, it’s Redneck Weekend at CommunityAmerica Ballpark beginning tonight, and the T-Bones will be loaded for bear, or squirrel or whatever, in their set with the Winnipeg Goldeyes. One feature of the weekend: Injured players will not be placed on the DL, but instead darted with a potent tranquilizer and relocated further back into the woods (a big thank you to the U.S. Forest Service!).

More on Redneck Weekend, plus the winner of the Worst Song in the World competition and the majesty that is Potato Night, following the jump.

Other features of the T-Bones’ Redneck Weekend will include:

Tonight: Mullet Night (half-price admission to all those with the Canadian Neckwarmer), plus Director of Group Sales Brandon Smith will be getting a mullet haircut between-innings on top of one of the dugouts. There will also be a mullet contest.

Saturday: Redneck Wine & Cheese Festival; a benefit for the Kansas City Cancer Center. A $5 donation gets you two glasses of Franzia and all the Spam, Twinkies, spray cheese and crackers and Slim Jims you can eat.

Sunday: The Redneck Olympics. Three teams of two people each will compete all game long to find out who is the biggest redneck in Wyandotte County. Competitions will include road-kill pickup, corn huskin’ challenge, a watermelon crawl, and many others. That’s corn huskin’, not corn detasslin’, Will.

• The Amazing True Story Of Left Field Louie. One of my favorite logos in all of sports is that of the Joliet Jackhammers (Independent Northern League). But even greater is their star attraction at Silver Cross Field; the gigantic statue of Left Field Louie. It may interest you to know that Louie started out selling mufflers just outside of Minneapolis, Minn., before he was optioned to the Jackhammers to achieve professional baseball fame. Learn the inspiring origin story of Left Field Louie right here, and don’t be ashamed if the tale moves you to tears, or at least causes minor redness and swelling.

• Worst Music In The World Update. Long Beach Armada (Independent Golden League). You may recall that throughout the month of June, the Armada asked fans to vote for the worst song ever; an exercise which drew thousands of votes from all over the nation. The result? Apparently the Worst Song In The World is We Built This City, by Jefferson Starship; a worthy choice (I hear they were using it at Gitmo before Congress put its foot down). Fans were serenaded by all the “winning” songs during an Armada game on June 23, and the roster of badness can be seen below. Good luck getting these songs out of your head.

1.) We Built This City, Jefferson Starship
2.) Barbie Girl, Aqua
3.) Macarena, Los Del Rio
4.) MMM-Bop, Hanson
5.) She Bangs, William Hung
6.) Muskrat Love, Captain & Tenille
7.) Ackey Breaky Heart, Billy Ray Cyrus
8.) Rico Suave, Gerardo
9.) I’m Too Sexy, Right Said Fred
10.) Tiptoe Through the Tulips, Tiny Tim
11.) Disco Duck, Rick Dees
12.) Season in the Sun, Terry Jacks
13.) Party all the Time, Eddie Murphy
14.) My Heart Will Go On, Celine Dion
15.) Informer, Snow

Other promotions this week:

• Potato Night. Friday, July 6. Idaho Falls Chukars (Rookie Pioneer League). If you can attend only one promotional event this season, it might as well be Potato Night … and we don’t even know exactly what’s going to happen. What we do know: The Chukars are breaking in a brand new, $6 million stadium, and Idaho is very serious about its potatoes. If I could be assured of a potato-costumed mascot, I would attend myself.

• Irish Night With Gerry Cooney. Monday, July 9. Brooklyn Cyclones (Class-A New York-Penn League). Arrive early to be one of the lucky fans to receive a green Cyclones T-shirt, and then obtain an autograph from the one and only Gerry Cooney, former heavyweight boxer extraordinaire. Please to do not jostle Mr. Cooney. No multi-syllable words, please. If Mr. Cooney becomes disoriented, please exit the line quietly and without comment. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Night. Tuesday, July 10. Greeneville Astros (Rookie Appalachian League). On this special night, hot dogs are only one dollar … Believe It Or Not!

• Beat The Heat Tuesday. Tuesday, July 10. Fresno Grizzlies (Class-AAA, Pacific Coast League). Any Tuesday that the game-time temperature exceeds 100 degrees, the Grizzlies will deduct 50 cents from every field level reserved seat ticket for every degree over 100. It was 104 yesterday, by the way. Of course it’s also Tecate Taco Tuesday, where delicious tacos are $2 each, so there go your profits.

• Redneck Night. Thursday, July 12. West Virginia Power (Class-A South Atlantic League). The outhouse races alone are worth the price of admission.

• Bobblehead Of The Moment. Nora Roberts Bobblehead Day. Friday, July 6. Hagerstown Suns (Class-A South Atlantic League). Your son’s bobblehead collection will not be complete without this item, which depicts the author of romance novels such as Affaire Royale and Brazen Virtue. And Ms. Roberts will be there in person, so you can finally get that copy of The MacGregor Brides autographed.

We want your minor league tips! Send all stories, photos and muffler poetry to RickChand@GMail.com.

Stop Stealing, Ma: Jason Witten’s Forging Momma

Continue Reading July 6th, 2007

So, just to bring you back up to speed, in the world of outstanding sports moms, we have:

• The maced mom of LeBron James.
• Dwyane Wade’s crack addict mom.
• Drew Brees’ opportunistic politician mom.

To add to the list: Jason Witten’s forging momma.

According to investigators, Kimberly Witten said she obtained McQueen’s bank account information from a statement that was mistakenly delivered to her mailbox. Kimberly Witten said she had experienced financial difficulties and began withdrawing funds from McQueen’s account.



Police charged Kimberly Witten with 25 counts of forgery and theft over $1,000. Kimberly Witten is out of jail. She is scheduled to appear in court July 31.

We would ask why Jason couldn’t, you know, help out his moms a bit, but what do we know? We think she should probably run the players union, though.

What Is Roger Goodell Going To Do With This? [Deuce Of Davenport]

Home Of The Owlz We Follow Orders: The Orem Owlz Medium Is The Message

Continue Reading July 6th, 2007

For years, we have watched the totalitarian media/mind control tactics of the rookie-level Pioneer League team the Orem Owlz with a wary eye. They have sat there, in their megalomaniacal castle in Utah, acting as if they are the rulers of all the survey, wielding their power indiscriminately and without regard for any little people they might step on along the way. They have run unchecked for too long.

Finally, someone has bravely stepped up and challenged them.

Wanting to insure that everyone called their stadium the “Home of the Owlz” instead of Brent Brown Ballpark, the Owlz front office threatened to revoke press passes from any paper that didn’t follow the new decree. To which the newspapers said: fuck off. Two newspapers, the Deseret Morning News in Salt Lake City and The Daily Herald in Provo, said fine, be that way, we’ll just stop covering games.



“We won’t trade our independence for access to athletic teams or any other news source. We simply don’t let our subjects dictate how we report on them,” Daily Herald executive editor Randy Wright said.

It is one small step toward the independence of the fourth estate, but it’s one that future generations will always remember.

Mess With The Owlz, Get Your Press Passes Yanked [We Are The Postmen]

Great, The OTHER Japanese Red Sox Pitcher Won: Bad Day For Neshek

Continue Reading July 6th, 2007

Despite our our (and many others’) attempts to get out the vote, Twins reliever Pat Neshek finished third in the final All-Star voting. We wonder if perhaps he might have won if he’d had an extra few days in there, Rory Fitzpatrick style, but, alas.

It was a bad day all around for Pat, who suffered his first loss last night. Fortunately, his beautiful designed Web site — not that we should talk — will keep updating, and even putting up these in-no-way-uncomfortable-to-watch videos. Next year, Pat. Next year.

A Twin Will Keep Blogging Despite Losing An All-Star Vote [New York Times]
On The Road With Pat Neshek
Vote Neshek, Everybody [Deadspin]

Great The OTHER Japanese Red Sox Pitcher Won: Bad Day For Neshek

Continue Reading July 6th, 2007

Despite our our (and many others’) attempts to get out the vote, Twins reliever Pat Neshek finished third in the final All-Star voting. We wonder if perhaps he might have won if he’d had an extra few days in there, Rory Fitzpatrick style, but, alas.

It was a bad day all around for Pat, who suffered his first loss last night. Fortunately, his beautiful designed Web site — not that we should talk — will keep updating, and even putting up these in-no-way-uncomfortable-to-watch videos. Next year, Pat. Next year.

A Twin Will Keep Blogging Despite Losing An All-Star Vote [New York Times]
On The Road With Pat Neshek
Vote Neshek, Everybody [Deadspin]

Does He Prefer Furries, Mr. Belvedere Or His Stalker: The Brewers Meet The Furries

Continue Reading July 6th, 2007

When the Milwaukee Brewers played in Pittsburgh this week, they ended up staying at the same hotel as a Furry Convention. (It’s actually the Furry Convention.) That’s Bob Uecker and one of them above. The notion of the Milwaukee Brewers hanging out in the same hotel as Furries might seem funny to you, but not to Brewers broadcaster Jim Powell.

Virtually everyone, even those who looked otherwise “normal”, had a tail sticking out of their clothes in the back. Players and staff reported neighboring rooms generating loud animal noises, barking and other, deep into the night. At first it was kind of funny to see these people wandering around the downtown streets and filing into the hotel, but after the novelty wore off it just made everyone feel creepy. The “furries” seem harmless enough, but people who think they might be an animal trapped in a human body just are unnervingly odd, to say the least.

Perhaps this is why the Brewers struggled so much in Pittsburgh this week; it can be difficult to sleep when you’re hearing howls of Furries all night. It can be difficult to sleep just thinking about it now, actually.

A Hair Raising Time In Pittsburgh [Brewers Radio Network]
Anthrocon Furry Convention [Wikipedia]

Daily Closer: The Adventures Of Chip And Dale

Continue Reading July 6th, 2007

OK, so maybe the Atlanta Braves career home run leaders list isn’t the most imposing statistical group in baseball (Ryan Klesko is in the top 10). But Chipper Jones is No. 1, and you can’t take that away from him … at least until Jeff Francoeur passes him in 2012. Jones hit homers from both sides of the plate on Thursday — Nos. 371 and 372 — to pass Dale Murphy on the Atlanta leader list and help the Braves beat the Dodgers 8-6. Yes, Eddie Mathews and Hank Aaron both played in Atlanta, but the franchise has only been in that city since 1966 (Aaron hit fewer than half of his franchise-record 755 homers there). So the city’s official home run leader is a guy named Chipper and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it. Look, at least it’s not Pokey or Boof.

More important, the Braves are only three games behind the Mets in the NL East, setting up that potential Atlanta-Milwaukee NLCS that we’ve all been waiting for. Try and sit out that one, Hammerin’ Hank!

• Beckett Brings The Nasty … Or is it the cheese? We forget, but Josh Beckett did win his 12th of the season on Thursday as the Red Sox smashed the Devil Ray’s faces in with a board, 15-4. Coco Crisp update: Grand slam in the first. And Mike Lowell had five hits. It was Tampa Bay’s 11th straight loss, as if that wasn’t already marked on a calendar on your refrigerator door.

• The Extra C Is For Craptacular. Come on C.C. Sabathia, what’s up with this? SeeSee gave up three homers (Gary Sheffield, Carlos Guillen and Placido Polanco) as Detroit and Justin Verlander beat Cleveland 12-3. This takes some of the potential luster off of the All-Star Game, if such a thing is possible.

• Then Came Bronson. Bronson Arroyo homered and Barry Bonds didn’t, the Reds beating the Giants 6-3.