When the Yankees lost the World Series in 2001, they responded by signing Giambi to a seven-year, $120 million deal even though, by then, anyone with even a modicum of intelligence figured he was using steroids. Nobody cared, though, because he hit a shitload of home runs, and when you hit a shitload of home runs, someone will give you a guaranteed seven-year contract in the nine digits. When news of Giambi’s BALCO grand jury testimony broke, the Yankees explored every option possible to drop his contract, not because they were embarrassed, but because he wasn’t hitting and looked lethargic. So, the guy starts doing greenies. Suddenly … he’s energized again, and hitting again. Steroids become less of an issue; after all, he’s hitting. He gets to keep his contract, keep his job and sign women’s breasts.
We cannot work ourselves up about this new “revelation” that Giambi tested positive for amphetamines. Yes, sure, we all knew he was on something the whole time. If we knew $120 million was on the line, we’d do steroids and amphetamines too. Jesus, who wouldn’t?
Pity poor Shane Victorino. The Phillies outfielder/journeyman is being honored with his own figurine at a Phillies game on June 3, which has to be a thrill for any major league baseball player. (It was certainly a thrill for Mr. Celery!) Why Shane Victorino? Well, he’s Hawaiian, and that makes him unique. We guess.
Therefore, the Phillies are giving out a figurine of Victorino dressed in a hula skirt and carrying a ukulele. Even better, it comes with its own sticky paper on the bottom so you can put it on your dashboard, and watch a Philadelphia Phillie dance and shake every time you hit one of those patented Philadelphia potholes.
So that’s the rub, Shane: You have your own figurine, but you’re wearing a skirt. We think it’s probably still worth it.
Sometimes, when a ballgame at Dodger Stadium is wrapping up, one has no choice but to pour beer on one’s self. Fortunately, she can take that famed Chavez Ravine subway home.
My buddies Sean, Jason and I used to play this game where we’d stand five to 10 feet apart and throw and catch a lighter with the back of one hand, usually while smoking cigarettes with the other hand. The goal was to see how many consecutive throws/catches we could make before it hit the ground. Of course, it was just about the stupidest thing ever, and, of course, we played it nonstop during the summers of ‘96 and ‘97. To this day, my backhand-eye coordination rules.
Anyway, Sean’s getting married, and Jason and I are throwing a bachelor party for him this weekend. Since we’ll be in West Virginia of all places, much time will be spend revitalizing our lighter game skills, even if we’ll never be able to step to these master showmen:
Robert Comer never flinched Tuesday morning as he was injected with a lethal cocktail of drugs that put him to death. Comer took a picture of his daughter into the death chamber with him and seemed defiant as he smiled and maintained eye contact with his witnesses as drugs coursed through his body. His last words were “Go Raiders!” and with that, his smile slowly faded until he passed out.
We can only hope that when we face the great beyond, our final thoughts turn to Michael Huff. But seriously, is this going to become a trend? Because eventually they’re going to run out of teams. And it would be sad if some poor wretch faced his final moments knowing that the only choices left were the Lions and the Buzzsaw.
Robert Comer never flinched Tuesday morning as he was injected with a lethal cocktail of drugs that put him to death. Comer took a picture of his daughter into the death chamber with him and seemed defiant as he smiled and maintained eye contact with his witnesses as drugs coursed through his body. His last words were “Go Raiders!” and with that, his smile slowly faded until he passed out.
We can only hope that when we face the great beyond, our final thoughts turn to Michael Huff. But seriously, is this going to become a trend? Because eventually they’re going to run out of teams. And it would be sad if some poor wretch faced his final moments knowing that the only choices left were the Lions and the Buzzsaw.
Oh yeah! There was a basketball game last night! Right!
It is telling, perhaps, that Spurs blog Pounding The Rock, as of 10:30 a.m. the morning after Game 2 of their conference championship series, had a post up about the NBA Draft Lottery, but not about the actual game. It is not just because of Greg Oden and Kevin Durant that all are enthused about the NBA Draft Lottery this year; it’s also because the on-court action is about as exciting as the opening of envelopes anyway.
The Jazz lost again to fall down 2-0 — not that Jazz blogs are noticing — and this series might be over before we even noticed it had started. The storyline is a simple one: Tim Duncan dominates, everybody else helps out and, ta da, Spurs are in the Finals again. We congratulate them on their achievement. Now, forgive us if we go back to our mock drafts.
Oh yeah! There was a basketball game last night! Right!
It is telling, perhaps, that Spurs blog Pounding The Rock, as of 10:30 a.m. the morning after Game 2 of their conference championship series, had a post up about the NBA Draft Lottery, but not about the actual game. It is not just because of Greg Oden and Kevin Durant that all are enthused about the NBA Draft Lottery this year; it’s also because the on-court action is about as exciting as the opening of envelopes anyway.
The Jazz lost again to fall down 2-0 — not that Jazz blogs are noticing — and this series might be over before we even noticed it had started. The storyline is a simple one: Tim Duncan dominates, everybody else helps out and, ta da, Spurs are in the Finals again. We congratulate them on their achievement. Now, forgive us if we go back to our mock drafts.
We find it incredibly strange that Jason Giambi is, once again, back at the forefront of the drugs-in-baseball debate. After all, has there ever been a more effective advertisement for the benefits of performance enhancing drugs than Jason Giambi?
Pity poor 
We’re a bit late on this, but alas:
Oh yeah! There was a basketball game last night! Right!
