NBA Playoffs: Free Darko Playoff Pants Party: Suns Vs. Spurs

Continue Reading May 4th, 2007

Even though there are still two first-round series still going on, the second round starts tomorrow. Two matchups are set already.

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With the Warriors having blown the hinges off the gates that guard basketball, these playoffs have changed. It’s not just that the “Phoenix or Dallas” narrative of the season has been shattered into so many Texas tears. Suddenly, Golden State has proven that up-tempo play can yield stable, productive results, that it need not doubt itself in the face of the Spurs or Mavs (SPURS JR.). The Warriors may have won the war, but this right here is the battle we’ve all fretted over since the Suns first found themselves. In recent years, no team has epitomized methodical gloom like San Antonio, and none symbolized freedom of body and mind like the Suns. When the two met in the 2005 Western Conference Finals, it was a clash of styles unlike any before or since. It was also a bloodletting with San Antonio’s thumbprints everywhere.

Here’s the dirty little secret of this year’s Phoenix Suns: They’re not so crazy anymore. For one, the whole operation revolves around a pure point guard who makes Stockton’s inner loins quiver. Steve Nash may be shaggy, hate war and throw the ball around at kooky angles, but he’s a dying breed. While I hesitate to bring out the pop culture bag, Nash is the drugged, sex-crazed Fisher kids taking over dad’s mortuary business; he’s not changing the position, he’s just updating it a bit. Amare Stoudemire learned how to play basketball while rehabbing, making him far more of a real inside presence. Raja Bell is a stopper, Marion is to Buck Williams what Nash is to Stockton, Barbosa is a speedster. The Suns still score a ton, care little for clock management and don’t understand the concept of pressure. However, they now do these things with semi-standard position roles and a somewhat set offensive system. In the wake of the Warriors, the Phoenix Suns’ long road to respectability is beginning to look a hell of a lot like assimilation.

I know, I know: The Spurs can run. This was actually truer in the 2005 playoffs, when Manu was better than Wade. But hey, the Mavs could run, too, and it didn’t save them. When these ultra-disciplined teams go fast, it’s a strategy, not an identity. While I hate to get this simplistic about things, the Spurs have Tim Duncan, who is so fantastic a power forward that even talking about it is an insult. That implies that there’s still a case to be made, when in fact no one’s even fucking with his status as G.P.F.O.A.T. If the Suns are at all emboldened by the Warriors’ epochal triumph, they won’t be thinking about Popovich’s brain ridges, Tony Parker beating Nash off the dribble or Robert Horry and Michael Finley hording their vital energies till just that exact right moment. They need to go at the Spurs and ignore whatever well-concocted response they get; unfortunately, that’s still going to leave Duncan, who can reassert the old path with a dominant big man series. If you think Timmie can’t get 35-20 every night on Phoenix, you’re letting that millennial hype rot out your brain. The difference between the Spurs and Mavs? One has the best post player alive, and the other tried heartlessly to turn Dirk Nowitzki into a tough guy.

After last night, the Suns aren’t just playing for a Phoenix championship. Despite having moved away from Golden State’s mass chaos model, the Suns are still fun, exciting outsiders. They can still strike a momentous blow for the cause and would be more than capable of a Warriors-like freak out if that matchup came to pass. The question for this series, though, is if they’ll learn from Mavs/Warriors and embrace unorthodoxy. In a weird way, their revolutionary credibility is on the line; the Suns have to prove to us that, despite their many alterations, they still believe in the power of the imagination. The more they cleave to their roles, the harder it will be to neutralize the Spurs’ rock-solid construction. Predictability and form play right into Pop’s cold, dead hands and will run smack dab into Duncan’s latest bid for immortality.

Call me a zealot: I think D’Antoni can see the writing on the wall. We saw in 2005 that San Antonio can live with Nash scoring at will, or Amare dropping 40. Get the whole team scattered and deranged, though, and the Suns can put the Spurs on the ropes. It would make it feel more like an upset opportunity, but honestly, Phoenix can only get through this if they make themselves into brash, aggressive underdogs. Let Duncan have his the way San Antonio did with Nash and Stoudemire, while he watches all hell break loose around him. Stephen Jackson doesn’t care because he has nothing to lose, and thus is invincible. Take this to heart, Phoenix Suns, and this series can be yours in seven. Otherwise, Spurs in six.

Matt Leinart: That’s All We Needed Was MORE Paris Hilton Jokes

Continue Reading May 4th, 2007

So that Peyton Manning on SNL appearance that we all liked a little more than we were expecting? Well, turns out the main reason Matt Leinart fired his agents last week is because that wasn’t him on the show.

The main reason Leinart rejected the representation superpower is he was enraged that Peyton Manning, also a CAA client and repped by Condon, got to host “Saturday Night Live” before he did. Seriously.

We think it’s awfully presumptuous that Leinart would think he’d get the spot above the guy who had just won a Super Bowl … but, frankly, matters haven’t quite been right for Matty since the Rose Bowl his senior year. As Buzzsaw boosters, we are concerned. Fortunately, he continues to have his family life to calm him and bring him peace.

Jealousy Of Peyton Led To Leinart’s CAA Departure [Sports By Brooks]
Peyton Manning Much Funnier Than Anyone Could Have Guessed [Deadspin]
Cameron Family Just Pleased As Punch With Matt Leinart Right Now [Deadspin]

Matt Leinart: That’s All We Needed Was MORE Paris Hilton Jokes

Continue Reading May 4th, 2007

So that Peyton Manning on SNL appearance that we all liked a little more than we were expecting? Well, turns out the main reason Matt Leinart fired his agents last week is because that wasn’t him on the show.

The main reason Leinart rejected the representation superpower is he was enraged that Peyton Manning, also a CAA client and repped by Condon, got to host “Saturday Night Live” before he did. Seriously.

We think it’s awfully presumptuous that Leinart would think he’d get the spot above the guy who had just won a Super Bowl … but, frankly, matters haven’t quite been right for Matty since the Rose Bowl his senior year. As Buzzsaw boosters, we are concerned. Fortunately, he continues to have his family life to calm him and bring him peace.

Jealousy Of Peyton Led To Leinart’s CAA Departure [Sports By Brooks]
Peyton Manning Much Funnier Than Anyone Could Have Guessed [Deadspin]
Cameron Family Just Pleased As Punch With Matt Leinart Right Now [Deadspin]

Minor Enterprise: We Need To Talk About Your TPS Reports

Continue Reading May 4th, 2007

What’s coming up in the world of minor league baseball … we proudly give you Rick Chandler’s Minor Enterprise!

See, the thing is Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy. It’s just that I don’t care. So you know what? I’m going to go ahead and ask you to move along, because I’m going to head out to the game now. Yep, the Bowie Baysox (Double-A Eastern League) are having Office Space Night on Monday, and you’re invited. What? You’re not familiar with this, one of the greatest movies of all time? OK, I’ve brought a clip, as they say on the talk shows. And now you can relive the glory of the Mike Judge classic throughout the Baysox game with the Reading Phillies, fittingly scheduled for Monday, May 7, at 7:30 p.m. Among the activities will be a flair contest, and our favorite, the opportunity to smash office stuff.

There will be a “Smash Technology For Charity” event outside the stadium main gates prior to the game. For just $1, fans can take a swing, with a baseball bat, and smash up some of the office equipment that frustrates you in cubical land every day — including printers, scanners, and fax machines. Proceeds from the event will go to Families of Virginia Tech victims.

If they’re also giving out red Swingline staplers, I am so there.

So, yeeahhh … if you could just go ahead and come in on Monday, that would be greeeaaat.

Other promotions this week:

• Cinema At The Ballpark. Saturday, May 5, Colorado Springs Sky Sox (Triple-A Pacific Coast League). Not to be outdone, the Sky Sox are showing the movie The Sandlot at Security Service Field, with gates opening at 7:30 p.m. Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with Benny Rodriguez! No, there’s no game; the actual team is in Portland. So anyone who wants to be a can’t-hack-it pantywaist who wears their mama’s bra, don’t show up.

• Erik Estrada Night. Saturday, May 5, Altoona Curve (Double-A Eastern League). The Curve’s Retro Celebrity Series gets off to a rousing start when Ponch arrives to sign autographs, kick some ass and take some names for Cinco de Mayo. Gather ’round kids, but don’t touch the bike. Or the truss. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Spider-Man Appearance. Saturday, May 5, Birmingham Barons (Double-A Southern League). Or, as the Barons spell it, “Spiderman Appearance,” making his name look like he’s an accountant from Queens. Anyway, someone in red-and-blue tights will be signing autographs all day at Regions Park.

• Mascot of the Week. Muddy, Carloina Mudcats, Double-A Southern League. Hey, is Muddy … yes, I believe if you look closely, you can see he’s giving the finger! “Fuck you, cops! You’ll never catch me!” Screeeee! “Kiss my negatively buoyant ass!”

• Headline of the Week. Braves’ Burrus Burns Biscuits.

• Bobblehead Of The Moment. Bulletin! Bulletin! The Clearwater Threshers (Single-A, Florida State League) have announced that Chase Utley Bobblehead Night has been switched with Cole Hammel Bobblehead Night! We’re sorry to be the ones to have to break the news like this. The Hammel bobblehead will now be given out on Friday, May 11, while the Utley bobblehead giveaway moves to Friday, July 27. Details are sketchy as to what happened … some sort of kiln accident, we heard. Please adjust your schedules accordingly.

We want your minor league tips! Send info on upcoming events, photos, or poems about Larry Wilcox to RickChand@gmail.com. And thanks!

NBA Playoffs: Free Darko Playoff Pants Party: Pistons Vs. Bulls

Continue Reading May 4th, 2007

Even though there are still two first-round series still going on, the second round starts tomorrow. Two matchups are set already.

And now, Dr. Lawyer IndianChief, from Free Darko, after the jump. Enjoy.

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I ran into Andres Nocioni on the bus the other day. Of course, I asked him about his thoughts on the upcoming series with the Pistons, how he planned to guard Tayshaun Prince, whether he secretly loathed Carlos Delfino, if he had any insight into the general outcome of things. He told me he had just returned from visiting an ancient Argentine mystic harbored in the back room of the restaurant, El Nandu, on West Fullerton. Over empanadas and blood sausage, they evidently discussed the Bulls’ chances in the second round, and — I’ll have to paraphrase what Noch told me — the mystic explained that there were three challenges that the Bulls would face on their way to the finals, each of them instilling a new lesson.

THE CHAMPIONS: This first challenge has been overcome. Taking down Pat Riley and his 15 Hobbled was no small task. Obviously, the key step to becoming a champion is dethroning the previous champion, and the Bulls absolutely Randy-Moss-off-the-coast-of-Boca boat-raced the stumbling Heat. I haven’t heard Shaq this subdued since his second verse on “Biological Didn’t Bother.”

THE TEAM: This challenge encapsulates the second round series, and the Bulls’ current opponent, the Detroit Pistons. The Pistons are the consummate “team.” Four of their five starters have been together since their 2004 championship, and the other one, Chris Webber, will sacrifice any personal gain to attain a ring.

THE INDIVIDUAL: The mystic predicts that LeBron James will advance to the conference finals, pitting the individual vs. the collective in a way that your bullshit Western Philosophy 101 Hobbes-vs.-Rousseau curriculum could only dream of. If the Bulls advance, they must face he that is greatness personified, which in essence constitutes every player facing the innermost potential in themselves.

Of course, even mentioning the Bulls even in the same paragraph as “Eastern Conference Finals” is premature. The Pistons are a legitimate title contender, and to save a lot of spirited long-winded dissection and histrionics, let me just say that I think Detroit will be able to win this series handily. Unfortunately, the truest cliché in sports is that the NBA playoffs are all about matchups, and this one clearly favors the Pistons. The two teams are virtually identical in form, yet different iterations of each other. Conceptually, the Pistons are the Bulls, except possessing extra limbs, stronger teeth and more attractive girlfriends.

Tayshaun Prince is a smarter, more defensively polished version of Luol Deng. Chauncey Billups is a more battle-tested, clutch-er version of Kirk Hinrich. Rip Hamilton is a more role-defined Ben Gordon. Rasheed Wallace is either a more versatile, sleeker P.J. Brown, or a wilier version of Andres Nocioni. And at the center position, the offensive craftiness of Chris Webber cancels out the defensive prowess of Ben Wallace. Chicago’s bench may be deeper, but it still resembles a daycare center in comparison to old souls like Antonio McDyess, Dale Davis, and championship ring-owners such as Lindsey Hunter and Nazr Mohammed.

The only domain in which the Bulls hold a clear advantage is coaching. Not to overcook my favorite topic, but Flip Saunders is a playoff nightmare. Of his many postseason deficiencies, his tardiness in making adjustments is perhaps the direst. Skiles, on the other hand, as he proved last series — in outwitting the great Riles — is a master of adaptation. That said, with the Pistons, there is nothing really to adapt to — you know going in what their tactics and what their rotations are. It is thus up to Skiles to force a wrinkle into this series, as Saunders is poor at playing catch-up. I’m not sure what exactly such an innovation would entail: Out-athleticizing the elder Pistons by running up and down more? Giving Tyrus Thomas more burn simply to wreak havoc? Amputating, then bronzing the apparently anacondian arms of Thabo Sefolosha and hanging them from the United Center rafters to signify entitlement? I fear that the surprise will be there is no surprise. We may be in for simply six solid games of gritty, blue-collar workmanship.

Obviously, I am writing this on the heels of the Warriors’ victory over the Mavericks, wondering if the playoffs are now sapped of any further emotional intrigue or astonishment. Chris Webber’s search for redemption is a charming story, as is the Bulls’ attempt to recapture Jordan-era glory. However, they are mere trinkets compared to what we just witnessed in Oakland. The Warriors’ series has completely annihilated our capacity to FEEL: What would have been a noteworthy subplot of revenge — Ben Wallace attempting to disprove his old coach’s knocks on his offensive game vs. Detroit attempting to prove they no longer need Wallace’s services to win a championship — is completely overshadowed by the fact that Don Nelson just peed on the caviar of a billionaire who owes him over six million bills. The standards for intrigue for the 2007 playoffs have been raised. I can no longer simply watch good basketball — I want proof of existence. ‘Sheed, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

NBA Playoffs: Look, There Was Another Game On Thursday Night

Continue Reading May 4th, 2007

Lest we forget, in all the Warriors hub-bub, that another series took a fun turn last night, with the Jazz tying the Rockets 3-3 with a 94-82 win in Utah. The key Jazz star was Andrei Kirilenko, who shined late despite, you know, crying like a little girl earlier this series because he wasn’t getting enough playing time. We could have done without this quote, though.

“I was definitely ‘AK-47′ tonight,” he said, smiling.

Sure, dude, whatever. Anyway, the Jazz win sets up the playoffs’ first Game Seven matchup, Saturday night in Houston. And, more than anyone else, Tracy McGrady will be the center of everyone’s attention. If the guy can’t make it out of the first round this time, with the Jazz vulnerable and Golden State sitting there, tantalizing, in the second round, then Mr. McGrady is going to have almost as much explaining to do as Mr. Nowitzki.

Kirilenko Saves The Day, Jazz [Salt Lake Tribune]
It’s On You, Tracy McGrady? Then It’s On You [The Fanhouse]

Daily Closer: Brett Myers IS Your Daily Closer

Continue Reading May 4th, 2007

Notes from a day in baseball:

• The Philadelphia Story. We were all ready to send Charlie Manuel off to the laugh factory when he sent Brett Myers to the bullpen a little while back, although the move did generate from Myers our favorite baseball quote of the year so far: “Let me let you direct that question to my arm.” On Thursday, Myers closed a game for the first time, um, ever, and got the save in the Phillies’ 9-7 win over the Giants. He pitched the ninth in place of the injured Tom Gordon, retiring all three batters he faced. Meanwhile, Jimmy Rollins continues to perform at a pace that will eventually draw the attention of Lex Luthor; tripling twice and driving in two runs. And suddenly a season that looked hopeless just a couple of weeks ago looks promising. Giants starter Matt Cain and his 1.54 ERA didn’t last past the fourth inning, with the Giants losing for the fifth time in seven games. Rollins, a native of Oakland, had to miss his Warriors’ win over the Mavericks, which occurred at the same time right across the bay.

• I’m A Walking Candy Apple! The Rangers’ Sammy Sosa was hit in the helmet with a pitch on Thursday, but it appears that he’s OK. So hard not to make a steroids joke here, so we’ll simply recount the Seinfeld episode in which a bird collides with Elaine’s head, killing it. Bystander: “It’s like that bird couldn’t avoid your head. I’ve never seem anything like it.” The Yankees won the first game, 4-3, behind Hideki Matsui’s tiebreaking double in the eighth. Then, Mike Mussina (1-1) allowed one run and four hits over five innings in his return from the DL in New York’s 5-2 win in the second game.

• We Know. The Bases Are Like Pillows. No one quite admires his own handiwork like Manny Ramirez. The ball that went for his second homer on Thursday — breaking an eighth-inning tie with the Mariners — was already back in the dugout before Manny even got to first during his home run trot. Boston won, 8-7, despite falling behind 5-0 in the first. Seattle had happy amazing fun time with Boston starter Daisuke Matsuzaka, who walked the first three batters and struck out only one over five innings. He gave up seven earned runs.

• Lust In the Dust. The Mets begin packing all of their stuff today to move to their new permanent home: Arizona’s Chase Field. New York has won 11 straight there, including Thursday’s 9-4 victory in which Damion Easley and David Wright each had three-run homers in the ninth. Arizona’s last victory over the Mets in Phoenix came on May 11, 2004, according to AP.

• May We Introduce To You, The One And Only Jamie Shields. James Shields (3-0) gave up three runs over 7 1-3 innings for the win and Rocco Baldelli had a two-run homer in the Devil Rays’ 6-4 win over the Twins.

NBA Playoffs: We’d Keep Our Distance From Mavs Fans This Morning

Continue Reading May 4th, 2007

It was not a good night to be a Dallas fan last night — it really hasn’t been a good year to be a fan of any Dallas sports team — but it’s really not a happy experience to be Dirk Nowitzki right now … and it probably won’t be for quite some time, writes True Hoop.

And now, instead of a champion, Nowitzki is only, until further notice, a pretender. I wonder how he’ll feel, next week, when — most likely — he is summoned somewhere besides a Dallas home game to pick up the MVP trophy. It’s a trophy he has earned. As much as he is in character fading from tough defensive schemes in these playoffs, he was also in character scoring 53 taking similar shots this time last year, and dominating all regular season long. The MVP is a regular season award, and this was his regular season.


But the more Nowitzki is lauded as the MVP, the more he is responsible for his team. And the more he is responsible for the team, the more he has disappointed. I wonder if that trophy will make him feel anything but worse. That little trophy, assuming he gets it, will be, in a perverse way, the precise reason someone somewhere is probably writing a column right now saying that Nowitzki should be traded. If this becomes the first MVP trophy ever to be tossed off a bridge, I won’t wonder why.

And Mark Cuban remains silent.

The Spotlight Is Burning Dirk Nowitzki [True Hoop]
The City Of Dallas Is Experiencing One Of The Worst Sports Years Ever [WBRS Sports Blog]