Not sure if you noticed or not, but the Minnesota Vikings have a bye this week. And we all know what that means!
So how are the Vikings keeping themselves busy? The gang at Kissing Suzy Kolber imagine how the week off is going for various players, including our pal Mr. Smoot.
Monday: Discreetly find hooker and attach her to milking machine. Realize the atrium of City Hall isn’t discreet enough.
Tuesday: Call McKinnie. Discuss potential sexual encounters that do not involve the penis. Agree to try space docking.
Wednesday: Try space docking on woman flown in from Buckhead. Fail. Spray pussy with Lysol.
Thursday: Study coverage technique on tape. Realize tape is actually a copy of “The Country Bears”. Curse Misssissppi State education.
Saturday: Call Sly Croom. Congratulate him for being black.
Sunday: Watch Goodfellas. Tell friends Jimmy Two Times is favorite character. Go get the papers get the papers.
If the various scenarios posited here aren’t what’s actually happening in Minnesota this week, we’ll be extremely disappointed.
It’s hard to believe, but the NBA season is just around the corner. So come with us now as we present five tiny tidbits on each team, just to get you in the mood. Today we begin the Southeast Division, so do us a favor and send your tips to tips@deadspin.com.
• 1. The Highest Flyers In The NBA! The 1986 Hawks apparently had a slammin’ music video to the tune of “The Atlanta Hawks: Atlanta’s Air Force”, by the timeless supergroup T. Grose and the Varsity. And if that doesn’t grab you, how about a Tyrone Nesby rap? — (Thanks to Hotlanta Matt and J.E. Skeets).
• 2. Red Storm Warning. Speedy Claxton’s sister, Lisa, currently is in her second season as a point guard for the St. John’s women’s basketball team.
• 3. He’s Zaza, Dahling! Zaza Pachulia is possibly the best-dressed player in the NBA. “When I’m dressed nicely and when I feel good, I play well and my day is going good,” he said. According to Salim Stoudamire, “The best dresser is probably Zaza. He’s always got the Armani suits, stuff like that, with the little shoes that point up in the air.”
• 4. Two-Timer. Assistant coach Bob Bender is the only person to have played in NCAA title games with two different teams. He was a freshman on Bob Knight’s undefeated 1976 Indiana team, and was point guard at Duke from 1977-80, including an appearance in the 1978 title game against Kentucky.
• 5. The Lower 48. The Hawks haven’t advanced beyond the second round of any playoff format since 1961, the NBA record. They also hold the record for most consecutive years without winning an NBA title, at 48.
In case you had any doubt that Wizards superstar Gilbert Arenas is the most subtly weirdo human in sports right now, DC Sports Bog invites you to check out this month’s Esquire interview with Agent Zero himself. The level of pure oddity is pretty much off the charts. Some highlights, culled from DC Sports Bog:
The Machine trained himself to sleep on the couch, because he doesn’t like women touching him.
Gil felt like someone was controlling his shot from the stands when he missed those free throws against the Cavs.
The Stealth says he bites Awvee Storey while they wrestle. (Who doesn’t, really?)
Gil: “When I get a new cell phone, first thing I do is turn it off and call from my house phone and leave stupid little messages to myself. Like: “It’s me.” “It’s me.” “This is Gilbert.” “It’s me.” “It’s Gilbert.” I just fill it up, so no one can leave messages.”
This last one is our favorite. Just to get this straight, Arenas immediately turns off his cellphone and calls himself with messages so no one will call and leave messages. There’s a mad genius to that that’s just breathtaking.
Some of you may be a bit weary of Cory Lidle coverage by now, and if that’s the case, you are sympatico with Planet Haystack. The Maryland-based blog, as always, has a slightly different, definitely un-P.C. take on the entire affair. An excerpt:
Rodney Culver, a Detroit native who was Jerome Bettis’ teammate at Notre Dame, was the Chargers’ RB who, a year and a half after his Chargers were routed in the Super Bowl, died in that ValuJet crash in the Florida Everglades. Everybody forgot everything about Rodney Culver — but, that’s what ya get for crashing into a swamp. ESPN educated us on the glory of flamboyantly crashing a plane into somebody’s 40th-floor apartment in Manhattan. Swamps are filled with gators n’ snakes n’ slimey matter. NYC is full of pretty people with pretty apartments. Which is why there was a National Cory Lidle Day of Mourning.
We’re not sure that we agree — we can assure them that New York is certainly not full of pretty people, and definitely not full of pretty apartments — but certainly worth a mention.
As Madden 07 obsessives know, Washington Redskins lineman and ginger kid Ethan Albright is the lowest-rated player in the game, with a rating that barely gives him enough aptitude to stand up and walk in something resembling a straight line. We have wondered if Albright knows about this, or cares, and even though we don’t have an answer to that, The Phat Phree has a hilarious imaginary letter from Albright to John Madden himself.
You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Michaels or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.
Okay, i don’t want to be sexist, so i’ll clarify that Matt Hughes is not so much a racist cunt as he is a racist dickhead. So, being fair to the female genitalia, i will admit that the term “cunt” was used more for emasculating value, than for actual descriptive value (the description most accurate being that of a penis, as Matt Serra so accurately noted).
Well to start with, i have suspected for some time that Matt Hughes is a piece of shit Xenophobe. Actually, i haven’t so much suspected this as i have KNOWN it beyond a shadow of a doubt based on his fucked up comments before and after the LUCKY armbar he pulled off against Georgess St. Pierre. i think more than anything GSP was surprised that Hughes pulled that out of his bag of half a dozen jiujitsu tricks, when until then he had pretty much been stinking up the place and getting the shit kicked out of him by St. Pierre. In that regard, St. Pierre’s crime was underestimating Hughes amidst the ongoing suckage of Hughes against him.
Remember that shit before the fight? “No one wants to lose to a Canadian,” and all this other shit that was only confirmed to be the dead serious perspective of Hughes AFTER the fight when he said “That’s right baby, i’m American born and raised, and that’s where the title’s going to stay…” or something similarly as mindless and truck-stop-borne as that approximation.
Well again, i have to comment on how Matt Serra has really grown on me this TUF season. TUF shows how these dudes really are, and it has shown he’s a pretty cool, laid back guy for the most part. Conversely, Hughes has shown not only that he’s a fucking asshole, but that he’s also a racist piece of shit.
Hughes doesn’t fucking know Din. How in the fuck does he think he can talk about dude having “big lips?” What if Din talked about him having a small dick or more than likely smelling like a horse? If Din was like “Hey Hughes, you better put on a long sleeve shirt so your pasty ass doesn’t get sun burnt on the way out to the van,” TONS of people would be up in arms and demanding an apology from Din. Yet, this fucking hick thinks he can talk about some random black dude having big lips?
Did he ever consider that black dudes don’t have big lips? Black dudes were around long before white folks. White people have small lips in comparison. Who gives a shit? Small lips, big lips, slanty eyes, circular eyes, dark skin, light skin… Why in the fuck was that the first thing to come out of Hughes’ mouth? The reason is because when he sees Din, all he sees are ethnic differences; just like when he fought St. Pierre, all he could think of were national differences (rather than the fact that St. Pierre is about 1000 times better a fighter than him).
Matt Serra’s comments on the dick-head-ness of Hughes were spot on. Additionally, Hughes needs a reality check, because he seems to think that his lucky submission of St. Pierre makes him a more skilled fighter. St. Pierre needs to make sure that racist, xenophobic motherfucker stays out of his head with the bullshit intimidation mind games, and give him a major ass-whooping next time they meet up. God i wish they wouldn’t have stopped that fight with Royce and Hughes. Shit, just imagine how UFC 4 would have turned out if they had the rules that they have now. Royce would have lost for sure. Bullshit.
Anyway, “how about the defense to an arm bar.” St. Pierre should have said “Cool, i’ll teach you how to block the side kick that more than likely cracked your rib.”
Hughes is a cocky asshole. i’d love to see him fight someone who knows how to deal with their center of gravity better; neutralizing his WWF body-slam bullshit. Anyway, his day will come. Thankfully, more and more people see him for the dickwad that he has always been now.
In conclusion, Matt Serra’s “go bench press or something” comment about Matt Hughes was hilarious. Hughes is, as Serra said “a cocky jock.” Physique ain’t technique. Neutralize the body slamming and deal with the virtually impotent lumberjack, swinging blows, and Hughes couldn’t win a damn thing. His day will come.
Canvassing the blogs on the Mets’ 2-0 win over the Cardinals in Game One of the NLCS:
• Amazin’ Avenue. Last night was one of those must-wins, and the Mets won it. Tom Glavine was terrific, again, though he induced some timely at-em balls in the early part of the game that could have led to some St. Louis runs had they been placed differently. He had the fortune of a couple of very nice double plays, he kept his pitch count low, and he is in a good position to start a potential Game 5 on three days rest.
• Mets Geek. Last night was a huge win for the Mets in a game that they really had to have. A lot of that is because Chris Carpenter is going for the Cardinals tonight. Equally important are that they were coming off of a four day layoff, they were playing at home, and just the fact that it was the first game of the series and 1-0 looks a whole lot nicer than 0-1. As for Carpenter, things are not always what they seem. The guy is an oustanding pitcher, the best starter in this series by a good ways and probably the best pitcher in the National League this season. Having said that, Carpenter has some interesting splits that could work to the Mets’ advantage. As much as anything, Carpenter is significantly more effective against right-handed batters — of which the Mets have two in their starting lineup — than he is against lefties — of which, counting switch-hitters, the Mets count six among their starters.
• Viva El Birdos. All those replacement-level hurlers gumming up the rosters, and the series kicks off with a pitcher’s duel? Whatever. To me, that game embodied what the playoffs are all about — wait around, wait around, wait around until somebody makes a mistake and gets punished for it. If the rest of the games are as taut as that one, it’s going to be a well-remembered series no matter who wins it.
• Faith And Fear In Flushing. The email came at mid-afternoon: Two tickets for tonight, did I want them? I nearly broke several fingers replying in the hell-yes affirmative, then fired off a note to Greg. (You never know, he might have been busy tonight or something.) And so it was off to the ballpark for Faith and Fear — a rambling odyssey home, then to Penn Station for the securing of tickets, then out to Shea on the LIRR, then to Gate E where Mr. Prince was waiting, resplendent in his orange Mr. Met jacket. Were we lucky tonight? Maybe. Oh, make that probably. But you know what? Luck’s part of it too — balls with shoe polish on them and backup catchers not called for running inside the baseline and right-fielders making foolhardy but marvelous catches and balls hitting off the top of walls and rebounding right to outfielders and little rollers behind the bag and tagging one runner out and then finding a second bearing down on you. Luck, the kindness of friends and strangers, and thrilling baseball on an October night. I’m grateful for all three
• Bellyitcher. Is this the beginning of the October Bat Freeze? I know they can’t hit lefties, and there were a lot of hard hit balls. But, gah, let’s score some runs at some point during this series. I don’t think Rolen will play game two. At least, I really hope. His swing looks better, but I haven’t seen that many pop-ups since the Tino days. The bullpen continues to be lovely, however.
Yesterday, we talked about the 2004 National League Championship Series between the Cardinals and Astros, and how it was the best series we had ever seen. We, stupidly, did not mention the words “Carlos Beltran,” which was odd, considering the guy showed up in our nightmares for months afterwards. (That, and a snake in a vest.) Everything that guy hit that series was off the wall, over the wall, through the wall … it was unreal.
So we shouldn’t have been surprised when he smashed the Cardinals again last night, hitting a two-run homer in the sixth inning to give the Mets a 2-0 win in the NLCS Game 1. Jeff Weaver had been outstanding all evening, but the minute the pitch left his hand, you knew Beltran was going to get his Astros on. It was the only real moment in the game that mattered.
We are not too terribly upset: We’re somewhat distrubed that Albert Pujols seemed distracted all evening, but all in all, the Mets needed this game more and it’s hard to argue with six solid innings from Jeff Weaver. Tonight, of course, is the big game: If the Cardinals can’t get a win from Carpenter and a split at Shea … this could be over, like, really fast.
Not sure if you noticed or not, but the Minnesota Vikings have a bye this week. And we all know what that means!
In case you had any doubt that Wizards superstar Gilbert Arenas is the most subtly weirdo human in sports right now, 
Some of you may be a bit weary of Cory Lidle coverage by now, and if that’s the case, you are sympatico with Planet Haystack. The Maryland-based blog, as always, has a 
As Madden 07 obsessives know, Washington Redskins lineman and ginger kid Ethan Albright is the lowest-rated player in the game, with a rating that barely gives him enough aptitude to stand up and walk in something resembling a straight line. We have wondered if Albright knows about this, or cares, and even though we don’t have an answer to that, The Phat Phree has a 
Canvassing the blogs on the Mets’ 2-0 win over the Cardinals in Game One of the NLCS:
Yesterday, we talked about the 2004 National League Championship Series between the Cardinals and Astros, and how it was the best series we had ever seen. We, stupidly, did not mention the words “Carlos Beltran,” which was odd, considering the guy showed up in our nightmares for months afterwards. (That, and a snake in a vest.) Everything that guy hit that series was off the wall, over the wall, through the wall … it was unreal.
