OK, so we formally apologize for taking until 10 a.m. today to get to this. It’s been a busy morning.
But yes: Eddie Griffin. Ah, Eddie. By now you’ve certainly heard the news: The Timberwolves center has been nailed with a civil suit claiming he caused a car accident while drunk and masturbating to a porn film. When the arrest was originally made in March, Griffin told the Pioneer Press that the accident happened because “he was reaching for a cell phone that had fallen off his lap.” Which is one way to put it.
It’s worth noting, by the way, that the accident — and alleged self-fornication — happened in the parking lot of a grocery story at 2:30 in Minneapolis. One would have thought one could be safe self-pleasuring at that time, in that place, in one’s vehicle.
OK, so we formally apologize for taking until 10 a.m. today to get to this. It’s been a busy morning.
But yes: Eddie Griffin. Ah, Eddie. By now you’ve certainly heard the news: The Timberwolves center has been nailed with a civil suit claiming he caused a car accident while drunk and masturbating to a porn film. When the arrest was originally made in March, Griffin told the Pioneer Press that the accident happened because “he was reaching for a cell phone that had fallen off his lap.” Which is one way to put it.
It’s worth noting, by the way, that the accident — and alleged self-fornication — happened in the parking lot of a grocery story at 2:30 in Minneapolis. One would have thought one could be safe self-pleasuring at that time, in that place, in one’s vehicle.
We don’t think we even made note of it at the time, but T-Wolves PF/C Eddie Griffin was picked up for DUI back in March.
Technically it wasn’t a DUI, as the officers apparently drove him home without any messy “legal complications” like blood tests or the like.
This didn’t sit well with the driver of the car he hit, and now said driver is suing Eddie in civil court. The witness accounts of Eddie’s behavior after the accident is quite simply awesome.
Abed Hassuneh, who is the brother of the victim, said Griffin told him, “That he was masturbating himself going down that street. That’s how the accident happened because he was not paying attention. He’s paying attention to that video and all of a sudden he’s shoveled somebody’s car on the top of the sidewalk.”
You can watch more of the surveillance video here. Our favorite part is either when Griffin offers to buy the guy whatever car he wants “tomorrow” if he’ll not blame it all on him or when the above quote is said by the guy’s bro.
Something about the way he makes it all sound so matter-of-fact is pretty special. We imagine being in that situation, and there’s not much to stop us from laughing while explaining our account.
What’s Griffin thinking anyway? We can see maybe pulling the “Yeah I was drunk - look, I’ll hook you up wth a new car tomorrow, okay?” However, the “Yeah I was drunk and masturbating [while driving] - look, I’ll hook you up with a new car tomorrow, okay?” is a stretch.
BTW, Basketball Boobs is an actual porno - Google leads you to the funniest things. Our workload was cut tremendously thanks to the miracle search engine.
(NOTE: KG - still thrilled to be a T-Pup. Thanks to TrueHoop.)
Now that the draft is out of the way, we can get to the real fun stuff - free agency and trade season!
With guys like Iverson on the block, and others like KG, Jermaine O, and Boozer possibly moving, the excitement is in the air.
At least it better be, because the free agent class is a little thin. ESPN has listed the top 25 contract seekers, and when the #1 is aging .054% free throw shooter Ben Wallace…well, it’s thin, like we said.
Here’s the top 10:
Ben
Al
Jason
Nene
Bonzi
Joel
Nazr
Peja
Jared
Matt
That’s right - this class is so huge, they’re all one-namers. Our predictions? Ben goes to Not Detroit, Al goes to Not Atlanta, Britney Spears poses naked and pregnant, we get really upset, then take a break.
Jason stays in Dallas, Nene goes - NENE is the fourth best free agent in 2006? That’s horrible. We’ve already forgotten who Joel, Jared, and Matt are, so let’s get those trades going.
Everyone says Iverson is going to end up in Boston, which seems weird, huh? Not just because you expect the guy to get to go somewhere he can contend, but because Allen Iverson, Boston Celtic seems weird. It’s all very circular.
And for those about to pipe up - no, AI in green doesn’t make Boston a true contender. You still need some sort of inside presence, and the Perkolation machine ain’t enough.
As for other trades, many are perkolating (and denying) KG goes to Chicago. That’d be interesting and scary, leaving the Cavs with no choice but to sign-and-trade Drew Gooden for Carlos Boozer, which we’ve heard from several reputable sources. Could we live with that?
(Disclaimer: Nobody has actually said Boozer to Cleveland - we’re trying to start internet rumors.)
• “Popcorn is versatile. It’s interactive. Some people like it simple, others prefer it decadent. There’s something for everyone.”
• “Popcorn is emotional. It makes people feel good.”
• “The popcorn revolution is growing.”
So, yeah, there’s that. Even as people make compelling defenses of Isiah’s likability, we still can’t help but shake our heads at the continued incompetence. Not that it’s not always incredible to watch.
But seriously: One year is all it’s gonna take. We can’t wait.
By the way, we find it amazing that Isiah didn’t find a spot for Syracuse’s undrafted Gerry McNamara. Must have been the damned college newspaper reporters who got him.
• “Popcorn is versatile. It’s interactive. Some people like it simple, others prefer it decadent. There’s something for everyone.”
• “Popcorn is emotional. It makes people feel good.”
• “The popcorn revolution is growing.”
So, yeah, there’s that. Even as people make compelling defenses of Isiah’s likability, we still can’t help but shake our heads at the continued incompetence. Not that it’s not always incredible to watch.
But seriously: One year is all it’s gonna take. We can’t wait.
By the way, we find it amazing that Isiah didn’t find a spot for Syracuse’s undrafted Gerry McNamara. Must have been the damned college newspaper reporters who got him.
Forgive us a tiny bit of indulgence here, but our ultimate takeaway from the NBA Draft last evening was not the million Portland trades, Isiah Thomas’ fumbling, Dan Patrick and David Stern’s pissing contest or even the insane convergence of Michael Jordan and a guy who cries with two second left in an NCAA tournament game and with your team still having the ball.
OK, so we formally apologize for taking until 10 a.m. today to get to this. It’s been a busy morning.
We don’t think we even made note of it at the time, but T-Wolves PF/C Eddie Griffin was picked up for DUI back in March.
Now that the draft is out of the way, we can get to the real fun stuff - free agency and trade season!
Just to be cheap and pile on, we found this site which allows you to 
Forgive us a tiny bit of indulgence here, but our ultimate takeaway from 
