Ask the Slouch
February 27th, 2006
These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about watching basketball on television:
1. Steve Francis and Stephon Marbury in the Knicks backcourt make about as much sense as Carl Lewis singing the national anthem at the All-Star game.
2. Walter McCarty singing the national anthem at the All-Star game makes about as much sense as Charles Barkley the Olympic ice dancer.
3. Bode Miller and I have a few things in common. Both of us went 0-for-5 with liquor on our breath; he started filming another Visa ad, and I started looking for a sixth wife.
4. You can have your Rasheed Wallace pumpkins. I’ll take my commemorative Derrick Coleman Rolling Rock bottles.
5. It’s February and NBA players are still griping about the dress code. Fellas, nobody ever told me I looked like a schlub wearing dookie ropes with a houndstooth sports jacket.
6. I’m not trying to say Dirk Nowitzki’s soft, but his autobiography’s going to be called “Nobody’s Afraid of the Large White Man.”
7. If Dick Vitale gets elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame, the guy who wrote the Eastern Motors theme song should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
8. 300 Duke undergraduates are already sleeping outside Cameron Indoor Stadium in preparation for the North Carolina game this Saturday. And they’ll all get As on their midterms Friday.
9. The Maryland Terrapins stand about as much chance of finding themselves playing in the NIT in two weeks as I do eating dinner alone tonight and watching “Celebrity Poker Showdown” reruns before sobbing myself to sleep in a booze-fueled haze.
10. Darko Milicic playing in Orlando makes perfect sense, given the fact that he’s both old enough to remember Grant Hill the All-Star and young enough to enjoy Country Bear Jamboree.
11. I sure do love to drink.
12. A world in which George Mason has a higher RPI than UCLA is like a world in which more people watch “American Idol” than the Winter Olympics.
13. I’m not trying to say the slam-dunk contest was fixed, but Spud Webb has liquid nitrogen burns over 30% of his body.
14. Woody Paige would make a good psychotherapist in the sense that Dr. Jerry Punch would make a good proctologist.
15. Now that Tony Parker’s a rapper, the time is ripe for Shawn Kemp and me to start that dating service.
16. Larry Brown’s life coaching service can’t be far behind.
17. Apparently all the kids are wild about this thing called Myspace. I know a thing or two about my space - it’s what my third wife said she needed!
18. Baron Davis’ shot selection would make Uwe Boll weep.
19. The three best things to come out of Pennsylvania this year are, in order, Rolling Rock, the Villanova Wildcats, and more Rolling Rock.
20. I’m not trying to say Mike Davis is a lame duck, but did you see Sister Helen Prejean sitting behind the bench at the Michigan State game?
21. Anybody who thinks Tony Kornheiser is an intellectual voice on sports talk radio probably grew up reading nothing but Harvey comics and novelizations of “Battlestar Galactica.”
22. Television needs bowling like Harry Whittington needs a pair of tweezers.
23. I’ll say this much about Adam Morrison and my second ex-wife: at least they have the same taste in facial hair.
Ask the Slouch
Q: The Hawks suspended Salim Stoudamire for “conduct detrimental to the team.” What might this be? (Paul; Norcross, GA)
A: Actually hitting a few shots?
Q: Which has been worse for you, Slouch: that ESPN cellphone or your first ex-wife? (Tony; Watertown, MA)
A: The cellphone, by far. According to the Wall Street Journal’s Walter Mossberg, “the phone’s Web browser goes only to sites approved by ESPN.” At least my wife encouraged me to look at other women.
Q: Complete this joke, Slouch: If Craig Sager’s suits played for Duke… (Greg; Von Stump, NC)
A: Pay the man, Shirley.
Entry Filed under: Basketball
